In Part 1 of this Marriage UPGRADE post on cultivating a better marriage relationship, Dawn reminded us of the "smitten" love newlyweds have, something that is often lost in the years to follow.
"It's not a matter of becoming crazy and irresponsible, but rather, learning to appreciate and grow with the one God has so graciously given us," Dawn says. "It's about building on and strengthening attraction, not letting it wane."
Dawn continues with Part 2 . . .
I love to watch elderly couples who are so obviously in love.
It's not something that just happens. They have to build on that early "smitten" love and make the bonds of attraction even stronger.
I'm not a marriage expert, but here are my top 5 Suggestions to Build on the "smitten" part of your marriage:
1. Build Communication
- Share your appreciation.
- Be transparent and communicate what's on your heart; something more than family business.
- Focus in on your spouse instead of your "next sentence." Graciously take turns speaking.
- LISTEN.
- Don't expect your spouse to read your mind. Your spouse can't act on a request never made.
- Ask God to see something fresh in your spouse as you "dig a little deeper" in conversation.
- Use your tongue wisely (James 3:6). Ask: "Would I want my spouse to talk to me this way?" You may need to adapt or change not only your words, but your tone of voice and body language.
- Be quick to say, "I love you!" and to follow through in ways that show you mean it.
- Dream together. Talk about plans for your future together.
2. Build Grace
- Learn to be a good, quick "forgiver" (Colossians 3:13). Keep short accounts with each other. Forgive as Christ has forgiven you — and in case you need a reminder, that's a LOT!
- Deal with your own bitter or angry attitudes right away (Ephesians 4:31-32).
- Be quick to say, "Please forgive me; I was wrong."
- Own your own issues. Don't project them onto your spouse.
- Think about your spoken and unspoken expectations ... and give them to the Lord.
- Judging belongs in a courtroom, not a marriage. "I'm sorry you feel that way; can we talk about it?" is always better than a pointed accusation.
- Let love and grace rein.
3. Build Selflessness
- Think service, not selfishness. We're already called to serve the Lord (Galatians 5:13) and this should carry over into serving others (Mark 10:43).
- Try putting your spouses's needs above your own and watch that kindness blossom (Philippians 2:4).
- Consider ways you can help your spouse shine in public.
4. Build Fun
- Yes, it really is OK to laugh together. Remember how you did that when you dated? As newlyweds? Even when those crazy kids came along? Laughter cushions many of the bumps in marriage. Ask God for a joyful heart (Proverbs 17:22).
- Be quick to say "yes" when your spouse offers time together. What you allow in your schedule indicates your priorities. Is everything else (work, housework, volunteering, children, etc.) more important than your husband?
- Learn how to relax together. To rest. It's important to peace in your relationship and home. All work and no play can be a recipe for disintegration.
- ENJOY each other in as many ways as you can: emotionally, mentally, spiritually, socially and yes, physically.
5. Build Strength.
I probably should have put this one first, because it's a core building block.
Spiritual intimacy can be the glue on days when you feel like life is falling apart.
- Plan ways to grow spiritually together.
- Pray together, if your spouse will agree to do so.
- Seek God's will together in the Word.
- Worship together.
- (NOTE: If your spouse will not participate, that shouldn't stop you from praying, seeking and worshiping the Lord. God honors those who honor Him.) - Commit to each other every day; never letting the word "divorce" move from your thoughts to your lips. In fact, give those destructive thoughts immediately to the Lord and align your thinking with scripture.)
- "Think on" and talk about the things that will make your marriage stronger (Philippians 4:8).
I encourage you to return—eyes wide open and wiser—to "smitten." Give it more effort, and give it time, but start today! Plan now to be one of those elderly couples who still enjoy that special "smitten" relationship.
Ask the Lord to help you be STRONGLY ATTRACTED to your spouse.
Which of these 5 "Smitten" builders might help you build this stronger bond today?
Dawn Wilson, founder of Heart Choices Today and Upgrade with Dawn, is a contracted researcher for Revive Our Hearts. She and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.
Graphic of senior couple: courtesy of Morguefile.