Deb DeArmond cares about relationships—all kinds of relationships. In this Friendship UPGRADE, she offers insight to help us cultivate our friendships with other women.
It’s the test," Deb says, "of any friendship: the vacation without husbands, kids or other friends to cushion the shock of 24 hours together. On the ocean. In a cabin. For seven days."
That sounds heavenly to me (Dawn), but I'm sure there could be challenges. It's important we learn to grow up in our friendships.
Deb continues . . .
It was a bit on the early side of the Alaska cruise season, so Cindy and I landed an incredible upgrade with spacious digs, attentive staff, and a week of total luxury.
Fabulous meals, beautiful ports, and interesting folks on board.
And a lot of togetherness.
Girl-friendships, even for Christians, have often been challenging.
“Am I her favorite? Does she like me best?”
Remember in third grade, when the “new girl” was introduced to the class? We eyed her nervously, concerned she’d replace us in our bestie’s heart. We worked for that position and protected it fiercely.
Step back, newbie. She’s mine.
We may be adults, but women still compete for that top spot—and the enemy will try to use these relationship needs against us if we’re not careful.
I’m blessed to say it’s something Cindy and I have not struggled with.
Why not?
She and I are an unlikely twosome. Californians, now living in Texas. Close in age, married 40+ years. Adult kids and grandbabes. But that’s about it.
We’re wired differently, choose different hobbies, and we think differently; our needs and preferences are dissimilar. We’re an odd couple.
But that doesn’t mean we aren’t compatible—we both love God and His Word fiercely.
God created us to need others.
- Read Genesis. Even though God was with Adam from the start, He saw the need and created Eve.
- The disciples numbered twelve, but three—Peter, James, and John—were those Jesus held close in the best and worst of times.
- David and Jonathan.
- Ruth and Naomi.
It’s a biblical pattern. We need relationship.
Cindy and I discussed our friendship on the cruise. That it’s risen to the level of importance it holds in our lives is surprising.
Here was our Alaskan epiphany: we don’t compete. With one another or for one another’s affection, time, and that all-important top spot in one another’s life.
We’re never fearful the other is “cheating” on us with other friends.
We have other friends. Close friends. And we’re grateful for each of them: colleagues, neighbors, quilting buddies, and writing partners.
We don’t see one another as often as we’d like. But we do life together, just not usually in the same place.
We don’t live in one another’s pockets. We can’t. She recently moved three hours away, but the distance has deepened our relationship.
We’re more intentional about staying connected.
So maybe that, too, is a gift. If we need one another—for any reason, day or night—we’re available and fully present.
We’ve confided in one another, knowing it’s “in the vault.” Trusted. No judgment. A genuine gift from the Lord.
How do we do it? Here are three tips we discovered.
1. We have healthy expectations of one another.
She doesn’t need me to provide what only God can deliver. I’ve not made her the center of my emotional well-being—that’s His job.
Sometimes when women are lonely or need encouragement they turn to their bestie instead of God. Not in addition to God, but instead. If that one gets mixed up, it’s a quick trip to trouble.
2. We rely on one another—for companionship, truth telling when needed, mercy (always needed) and the joy of experiencing life with one who helps to make the other better.
I can count on her to sharpen me, challenge me and pray for me. She depends on me for the same.
3. We are champions for one another.
Because we don’t compete, we can genuinely celebrate the other’s success. Everyone needs a cheerleader!
God expects us to grow up, and that includes our friendships.
“When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things” (1 Cor. 13:11 NLT).
I’d like to have the energy and youthfulness I had in third grade or the calorie burning ability of days playing hopscotch. But I’ll take grown-up God-given relationships over those schoolyard alliances any day!
Which of those three tips need improving in your own friendships?
Deb DeArmond’s passion is family—not just her own, but the relationships within families in general. Her first book, Related by Chance, Family by Choice: Transforming the Mother-in-Law and Daughter-in-Law Relationships explores tools and tips to building sound 
relationships between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. Book #2, I Choose You Today, helps couples strengthen their marriages. Deb's newest book on marital conflict, Don't Go to Bed Angry, Stay Up and Fight! was co-authored by her husband, Ron. They live in the Fort Worth area. For more about Deb, visit her "Family Matters" site.
Graphic adapted, courtesy of RawPixel at Pixabay.