You Can't Move from Broken to Beautiful Overnight

Yvonne Ortega is a survivor, but also a thriver! I know her uplifting UPGRADE story about change will encourage anyone who feels broken by circumstances.

“For years, at least five times a week, I sat at the beach with my journal and cried until my head ached and my eyes were swollen,” Yvonne says. “My mind swirled with questions: Will I ever be strong and stand up for myself? When will I feel free and peaceful? When will I laugh and enjoy life again?”

Ever struggle with those thoughts? I (Dawn) did when my husband and I faced a drastic ministry change—not our choice. I wondered if I’d ever be able to “smile from the heart” and trust people again. God was faithful. But I wish I’d known these helpful tips.

Yvonne continues . . .

You may wonder how I changed. Here are three tips I learned about change.

1. I realized “change requires hard work.”

My work included daily journaling, prayer, Bible study, Bible memory verses, praise and worship, individual counseling and a divorce recovery group.

I claimed several favorite Bible memory verses and reviewed them frequently. One was Philippians 1:6 (NIV):

“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

What hard work will your change require?

2. I accepted the fact that change takes time.

I didn’t accept that fact easily, but I couldn’t rush the healing of a broken heart from divorce anymore than I could rush the healing of a broken arm or a broken leg. The healing time required patience.

The Lord brought James 5:7-8 to mind. That passage says,

“Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains. You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near.”

Your broken heart may not be from divorce. It may be from the loss of a loved one, a major move in which you left family and friends behind, or a prodigal child. Be gentle and patient with yourself. Trust God to help you.

3. I celebrated each step of progress.

After I finished aggressive chemotherapy and thirty-three rounds of radiation, a friend and I drove to the beach for a few days to celebrate. My retired missionary friends let us use their beach house free of charge.

We walked on the beach in the morning and again at night and made sandcastles. We splurged on a seafood dinner and bought a Dairy Queen Blizzard for dessert. I had dreamed of enjoying a Blizzard after treatment.

When I reached the five-year mark of being cancer-free, several friends and I celebrated at a restaurant. I took a pink tablecloth, pink confetti, and a pink balloon.

What small step of progress will you celebrate this week?

Those old days of crying at the beach until my head ached and my eyes were swollen are a faint memory. Now I have fun at the beach.

On a women’s retreat this month, a friend and I collected shells, chatted and laughed as we walked on the sand. Every time my roommate and I were in the room, we opened the door to hear the sound of the waves. We felt refreshed when we returned home.

I did find happiness, freedom and peace, but not overnight.

I laugh often and enjoy life far more than I ever imagined possible. You can too.

What do you need to change in your life? What will you do this week to start the process?

Yvonne Ortega is a licensed professional counselor, a bilingual professional speaker, and the author of Moving from Broken to Beautiful: 9 Life Lessons to Help You Move Forward (paperback, Kindle) and Finding Hope for Your Journey through Breast Cancer (Kindle), both available at amazon.com/books. She not only survived but thrived after a domestic violence marriage, breast cancer and the loss of her only child. With honesty and humor, Yvonne uses personal examples and truths of the Bible to help women move from broken to beautiful. Find out more about Yvonne at her website.

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of foto76 at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

How to Earn the Right to Share Your Story

Maria Keckler is a natural coach. She offers keen counsel to help build bridges in ministry, leadership and personal relationships—an UPGRADE of great importance!

“Empathy,” Maria says, “is the ability to stand in our audience’s shoes, see through their eyes, think through their perspective, and feel with their hearts.”

Have you ever seen an empathetic person in action? I (Dawn) have. She was selfless and genuinely concerned, fully engaged—heart and mind. She listened until she understood! “What a gift,” I thought.

Maria continues ...

Jesus is empathy personified. God wrapped himself in flesh and walked the earth as a man and can forever say,

“I know what it’s like to be you. I know how it feels to be tempted, to lose someone you love, to endure rejection and physical pain.”

And isn’t that why you listen to Jesus—to His story? You know He cares about you because He knows what it’s like to be you.

Empathetic Listening Unlocks the Heart

I’ll never forget a time my husband was facilitating a group listening activity in which participants were asked to pair up. The “listener” was instructed to ask personal questions in order to better understand what his or her communication partner cared deeply about. The “listener” had to be attentive and couldn’t interrupt until the person sharing was completely finished.

Half way through the activity, a woman excused herself and walked out of the room. Later, she shared privately that it was out of character for her to be so emotional—especially in public—but it was the first time in her adult life she felt truly heard.

Empathetic listening is a gift and a choice, but one of the most neglected practices today.

When we are:

• Listening in order to have a chance to respond ...
• Listening to quickly insert our own story ... 
• Listening to find a “sin” we can address with a Bible story ...
• Listening with contempt ... 

... these forms of listening are NOT empathetic listening and will get in the way when we finally get the chance to share our story.

Earning an Invitation to Share

My friend Diane Szuch earns the right to share her story with women whose joy has been stolen and heart has been broken at the feet of sexual abuse, because she first listens to them with extraordinary empathy—and so can you.

What does empathetic listening look like?

The traditional Chinese symbol for listening gives us the clues to empathetic listening. It contains the characters for ears, eyes, attention (mind), heart, and king. In other words, we are to listen fully engaged as in the presence of the king.

In practical terms…

1. Be fully present. Put away the phone.
2. Listen with your eyes. Make eye contact, but don’t be creepy about it. Natural eye contact is not a staring contest.
3. Listen with your body. Lean in, nod and affirm.
4. Listen with your heart. Withhold judgment.
5. Convey empathy. Offer neutral but authentic acknowledgement remarks to indicate you are present. (Really! Wow! Mmm ... Oh my!)
6. Embrace silence. Silence can be one of the most powerful elements of a conversation, opening doors to vulnerability and intimacy.

There are many times we are ready and eager to share our story, but the right opportunity never seems to come.  But you can turn things around today!

How can listening more—and more empathically—help you build a bridge to the hearts of those God has put in your path? 

Maria Keckler has been coaching married couples (with her husband) for more than 15 years. They’re teaching leaders at Shadow Mountain Community Church. Maria is an executive coach, corporate trainer, and the author of Bridge-Builders: How Superb Communicators Get What They Want in Business and in Life. She invites readers to follow her blog and purchase her book.

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of Serge Bertasius Photography at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Parenting Wisdom from the Garden

Sue Badeau (and her husband Hector) share a powerful story about adopting and raising 22 children. Sue has a lot of experience and wisdom to share, as she does in this positive Parenting UPGRADE.

"I do not have a green thumb," Sue says. "I can’t even keep a cactus alive and cactuses barely require any attention! If I can’t nurture plants to bloom and flourish, how can I do it for children, especially those with special needs? Have you ever felt this way?"

Yes, Sue. Every parent faces challenges, and there were times I (Dawn) wished I had a special button to push to make my children immediately blossom into godly, productive human beings. Though Sue doesn't have a "fix-it-quick" solution for all your parenting issues, but she does offer wise counsel.

Sue continues . . .

When I was a child, my Papa had a huge garden. I loved spending time watching him there.  Being a pesky little kid, I peppered him with questions:

“Papa, why is this one in the shade?”

“Papa, why do those need stakes to hold them up, but the others don’t?”

“Papa, how can you tell the weeds from the good plants?” 

And on . . . and on . . . and on!

He always patiently answered me.

I’ve learned that being a mom, particularly to children with special needs, is a lot like being a gardener. You prepare the soil, plant and water. You fertilize, weed and prune. Most of all you pray, watch and wait.

Some flowers need lots of light; others need a cooler, darker place to grow. Water this one every day— that one only once a week. This one needs rich soil. This one does better in a sandy base.  

So much to keep straight.    

You have no control over the elements—sun, rain, wind. Early frost, squirrels, vandals. You pray, watch and wait.  

Some children are like zucchini. They grow and thrive anywhere. Some are like hot-house flowers—all conditions must be "just so" for them to reach their full potential. Some require so much more work than others, it's exhausting! 

When a bud appears, I rejoice and marvel in wonder at its beauty as it unfurls. When one begins to bow or break, I carefully provide extra supports and TLC.  

Sometimes, my best efforts are not enough.

And sometimes resilience, in spite of all my mistakes,  amazes me. 

Here are three top parenting tips I learned in Papa’s garden:

1. Learn as much as possible about each child’s unique needs.

Learn about temperament, learning styles and more so you’ll know how to provide the right amounts of "sun and fertilizer" for each child.

2. Forget about being "fair" if your idea of fairness is to treat each child the same.

Children bloom best when treated as individuals. All children will squawk about fairness; don’t let this tempt you to treat them all alike.

3. Pray, watch and wait.

There is much you can't control as a parent, just as there is for a gardener. Stay faithful in prayer, and wait expectantly for God to do a good work in each child, remembering: His timeline may be different than our own.

My children are not zucchini. 

But each one is a magnificent addition to my garden.

"Now He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness" (2 Corinthians 9:10).

Which of these parenting "garden" tips speaks to you today? Is there something you need to do to tend your family garden?

Sue Badeau is a nationally known speaker, author, and child welfare and trauma expert. Sue and her husband Hector are lifetime parents of twenty-two children—two by birth and twenty adopted. They wrote the book Are We There Yet: The Ultimate Road Trip Adopting and Raising 22 Kids. Learn more about Sue at suebadeau.com and badeaufamily.com.

A Friendship Wake-up Call

Sylvia Lange is a talented, compassionate singer and speaker. But she's also the kind of woman you'd want to call "friend." In this Relationship UPGRADE, she shares her journey into real friendships.

"Years ago over coffee," Sylvia said, "a friend slapped me in the face. In public. Well, maybe not a physical slap but she sure got my attention when she quietly murmured, 'You know, it isn’t always about you.'”

Talk about a wake-up call! I (Dawn) don't know how I would have responded. But I'm glad Sylvia took the high road and responded Godward so she can give us biblical insight.  

Sylvia continues . . .  

No one had ever spoken to me like that before.  My initial indignation quickly morphed into embarrassment as I wondered who else thinks the same thing?

A review of my roster of friends revealed that the majority of my social connections were pretty superficial. With few exceptions, I had surrounded myself with people I could either control or from whom I could get something.

I had very few equals and certainly, no true heart friend. I needed an overhaul.

Someone once said in order to have a good friend you must first be a good friend. I soon realized I really didn’t know how, so starting on that painful day, I got busy.

I began spending time with authentic Christians who practiced a lifestyle of service. They helped me understand that although I am “made in the image of God,” I am no better than anyone else. In fact, I needed to just be a “worker among workers.”

I began to create some space between myself and people who didn’t share my core values. 

"One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a sister" (Proverbs 18:24).

I zeroed in on those who believed in me, recognizing that anyone functions at their best when they have their own private cheerleading squad.

I also started to emulate people with strong friendships of their own. Although many actions were initially awkward, over time, behaviors that were once foreign became automatic and the impact on my relationships was immeasurable.

That was twenty-five years ago. And although I will always be learning, I have picked up a few truths:

1. Real friendship isn’t about you.  

Let’s face it: it is rarely convenient to truly attend to someone at their level of need . . . not on the level that’s convenient for us.

True, deep friendship requires intentional effort, can cramp our comfort, impinge on our time, and sometimes even cost money . . . but the payoff is priceless. 

Today, my friendship quiver is full of a variety of unselfish, loving people who put their money where their mouth is.

2. Friendship plays to each other’s strengths and celebrates its differences. 

My long-time friend and ministry partner Billye and I recognize we have no natural chemistry and agree that our friendship has been the most challenging either of us has ever had. In our early years we often brought out the worst in each other, but over time, we have learned to value our differences and recognize that together, we’re stronger than on our own.

3. Friendship leaves its ego at the door.  

 My good intentions’ only go so far if I don’t notice how my friend needs to be communicated with, served and loved, regardless of how I need to be communicated with, served, and loved.

4. Friendship is trustworthy. 

A trustworthy friend keeps her promises, is reliable and would never do anything that would compromise the security of her friend, no matter how she might gain otherwise. 

What is your definition of real friendship? And to what lengths should a person go to be a real friend?

Sylvia Lange, a popular women's ministries speaker both on her own and with her duo Crimson Bridge, is  known for her infectious candor that invites listeners to know more about the God to Whom she owes her life. Whether blogging, speaking for a women's ministries event or sharing from one of her five albums, she speaks with Spirit-propelled authority to those who don’t yet know Christ and those who have forgotten Who He is. To book Sylvia or purchase her music, visit www.sylvialange.com. Sylvia is also committed to Compassion International, an outreach to starving, diseased children in the 3rd World.

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of Serge Bertasius Photography at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Alike, But Opposite

Peggy Leslie, a Bible teacher, speaker and author, is first and foremost a Christian, wife and mom. It’s her “mom” role I wanted her to write about here, in a special Parenting UPGRADE.

“'Opposites' are supposed to be two different things. Right? So, how,” she asks, “did I get five opposites in my five children?”

Some years ago, Peggy told me (Dawn) about her special times of interceding for these five “opposites.” I loved it and asked her to share with UPGRADE readers.

Peggy continues . . .

Our first three children were born in less than three years. Even before the first reached kindergarten, I observed that from the beginning each one, though in many ways like the others, was different from his or her siblings.

Karen, our firstborn, had a beautiful Sunshine Girl smile and could be very entertaining. Yet overall she was somewhat reserved, definitely not a chatterer.

Chuck, on the other hand, was one of those outgoing children who never met a stranger. We said he was “born talking.”

Scott was the observant one and the one most likely to share deep feelings. One day little Scottie came to me and said, “Mommy, I feel sad.” None of the others ever did that voluntarily.  

The differences continued as Kate (the sweet little “ham” and born teacher) and April (the sensitive musician) came along.

In the beginning I knew nothing about studies on temperaments, A-B-C-D “types,” or birth-order. But as I observed—and dealt with—each child’s idiosyncrasies, I concluded that to a point, each of my children was “born that way.” 

God had designed each one with a unique, inborn make-up that Gene and I needed to recognize.  

Here are a few things I learned along the way—some of which I wish I’d figured out sooner!

1. Pray, pray, PRAY to know how to “Train up your child in the way he should go . . . " (Proverbs 22:6)—which will usually be quite different from his siblings!

Gene and I have always prayed for our children, but for a long time in a kind of haphazard way, and usually individually. Many years ago, we came up with a plan. We call it SPD—Special Prayer Day.

With seven in the family, each gets his or her own SPD (Sunday: Gene; Monday: Karen ....; Saturday: me). On that day, I usually contact that one by phone call, text or email and ask, “Do you have any SPRs [Special Prayer Requests] today?”

I cannot count the number of blessings and answers and special moments that has brought to our family.  

Come up with you own plan. Just be sure to pray!

2. Observe each child so you’ll recognize differences and know the way that one should go.

3. Celebrate each one’s uniqueness.

Don’t try to force one into an area he’s not good at (sports, music, drama, etc.).

Don't expect, or try to make, one child like another one.

4. Encourage talents or skills God put there by providing ways to enhance them (sports sign-ups, music lessons, etc.).

5. Discipline when a child uses those talents and skills in inappropriate ways.

To me, those last two hints envelope the meaning of Ephesians 6:4b: ...bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

6. Pray. It bears repeating!

Do you rejoice that your children are alike, but opposite? How do you pray for them?

Peggy Leslie is a long-time Bible teacher and international speaker. She and her husband Gene, married 51 years, are the parents of five grown children. They love to spend time with their 12 grandchildren and are blessed to have all of them living in San Diego County. She and co-author Donna Jeremiah have published two Christian mystery novels: Storm over Coronado and Intrigue in Coronado.