Five Ways to Speak God's Love Language

Debbie W. Wilson always has a fresh perspective on familiar Christian truth. In this Relationship with God UPGRADE, she reminds us that there are ways we can learn to "speak God's love language."

Debbie says, “My husband doesn’t show me love,” the distraught woman who sat before me complained.

I (Dawn) think that nearly every married woman has thought that from time to time. We just want more and more love—and not only from a spouse! But remember, when we "speak" someone's love language, it isn't always with words.

Debbie continues . . .

This woman’s husband provided for her financially, maintained her car without being asked, vacuumed the house, and cleaned up after supper. But she longed for quality time and deep conversations.

Because acts of service were not her love language, this woman had overlooked her husband’s demonstrations of love.

A hunger to express and experience love runs through the human DNA.

Considering this made me wonder if that need extends to our relationship with God. If so, what are some ways to enhance this love relationship? Does God have a love language?

Hebrews 11:6 says faith is God’s love language.

“And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him” (NIV).

Did you catch the reciprocal nature of faith as described in this verse? Those who believe in God also believe God rewards them for seeking Him.

Loving Jesus enables us to receive His love. John 14:21 says,

“Those who love me will have my Father’s love, and I, too, will love them and show myself to them” (GW).

Let’s look at ways to enhance our love relationship with God.

5 Ways to Speak God’s Love Language

1. Pray

Prayer demonstrates a relationship with God and faith that He is good.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened… Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” (Matt. 7:7-11 NIV).

2. Demonstrate Trust through Thanksgiving

Gratitude demonstrates faith in God’s goodness and sovereignty. It shows I believe He is bigger than my mistakes and the wrongs I’ve endured (Rom. 8:28).

Faith allows me to pray with thanksgiving before I see God’s answer (Phil. 4:6-8).

A large ministry fired an honorable young man without cause. His mother wrestled with God over this betrayal. Before the year was out, a scandal hit the press concerning those who’d mistreated her son.

“God spared my son,” she said. “And I’d thought He’d forgotten him.”

“Whatever happens, give thanks, because it is God’s will in Christ Jesus that you do this” (1 Thes. 5:18 GW).

3. Worship

Worship shows we believe He is worthy of our devotion and reminds us He’s bigger than anything clamoring for our time and attention.

“Step out of the traffic! Take a long, loving look at me, your High God, above politics, above everything” (Ps. 46:10 The Message).

4. Obey

Obedience demonstrates love and faith (Jn. 14:15-16).

“Whoever knows and obeys my commandments is the person who loves me” (Jn. 14:21 GW).

“In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome” (1 Jn. 5:3 NIV).

5. Live Clean

Receiving and appreciating our forgiveness shows faith in Jesus and increases our love for Him (1 Jn. 1:9, Titus 2:14).

“I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love” (Luke 7:47 NLT).

Through faith we express our love to God and experience His love in return.

Every step we take in faith causes God’s heart to sing. 

Does your relationship with God need a boost? Consider the list above. Which one needs your attention?

Debbie W. Wilson, Bible teacher and former biblical counselor, combines insight and encouragement to inspire people to trust Christ with their lives. Her books include Little Faith, Big God, Little Women, Big God, and Give Yourself a Break. She and her husband Larry founded Lighthouse Ministries, a nonprofit biblical counseling and Bible study ministry. Debbie enjoys dark chocolate, a good mystery, and the antics of her two standard poodles. Find free resources and connect with Debbie at RefreshingFaith.com.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Kalhh at Pixabay.

If You Can't Be Kind, Be Quiet

Author Deb DeArmond focuses on strengthening relationship. In this Communication UPGRADE, she suggests we check our words before they cause damage.

"Did you know each year there is a National Say Something Nice Day? It was new to me," Deb says, "and made me think of my mama. It would have made her happy."

My (Dawn's) mom knew I was a "word person." Perhaps that's why she often encouraged me to be careful how I used words. It sounds like Deb's mom was a lot like mine!

 Deb continues . . .

Mama often shared her belief that “If you can’t say something nice, say nothing at all.” It wasn’t just a slogan; she lived it every day.

I never heard her say a mean or critical word about a single person, with the exception of her second cousin Hattie, who deserved it according to Mama.

“That girl had a mean streak.”

She once bit my mother hard enough to draw blood, so I think it’s a valid observation. But with this one exception, Mom was a gentle and generous soul.

She looked for the goodness in every person and as a result, she almost always found it.

Easier said than done.

If you have family, you already know this can be tough duty. Especially in the face of what we often call at my house, “an intense moment of fellowship.”

If you overheard the discussion, you might think we’re engaged in an argument. Some may claim it’s a matter of semantics since the two are quite similar. We prefer to position it in a more friendly way.

Definition aside, when it gets heated, something nice is not always the first phrase that occurs to us or rolls off the tongue.

And the tongue is often the problem with conflict, isn’t it?

The scripture gives us that heads up:

Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way (James 3:2 NLT).

Every other way?

You mean, if I could manage my mouth, I’d also be able to resist the call of Cappuccino ice cream? Now there’s some motivation!

Over the years, I’ve become aware of the need to be more intentional, more grace-filled, when conflict arises.

God's Spirit has been persistent to point out missed opportunities, little slips, and major mishaps of the mouth.

Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit (Proverbs 15:4 NLT).

I’m working on it.

Just remember, we do have an enemy—but our friends or loved ones are not our adversary.

God expects us to speak the truth in love when we’d prefer to give someone a piece of our mind.

Making our point cannot be more important than making our Heavenly Father happy.

Today, identify an opportunity to say something nice. Find something genuine, not manufactured, and smile when you say it.

If you want to make a super-powerful positive impression—write it down. Slip a note in his pocket, the kids’ lunchbox, or tuck a card in her purse.

A discovery of a compliment or acknowledgement is a prize, and when it’s unexpected, it’s so much sweeter. It just might make your someone’s day.

And it will make your mama so proud!

Take a quick inventory

Be honest with yourself.

• How often do you walk away regretful of a harsh or unkind word you’ve spoken? What pulls you into that behavior?
• How are relationships impacted when the communication—and your best intentions—get away from you?
• Identify one strategy to remind you to be quiet if you're struggling to be kind—perhaps a simple prayer or scripture before a conversation that might be difficult.

We can't fix what we don't acknowledge. Enhance your self-awareness and use your answers to set a new course!

Proverbs 15:4 reminds us,

Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit (NLT).

If you can't be kind, be quiet.

What is the strategy you identified to remind you to be quiet if you struggle to be kind? Ask God for wisdom, and don't give up. Your relationships are worth the effort.

Deb DeArmond is the author of Related by Chance, Family by Choice, I Choose You Today, and Don’t Go to Bed Angry. Stay Up and Fight! All three books focus on relationship dynamics, communication, and conflict resolution. For more information about Deb and her ministry, visit her website.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Candid-Shots at Pixabay.

Life in the Age of Listening and Learning

Julie Sanders is globally-minded, but she shares her wisdom with individuals, always pointing them to the Word of God. In this Communication UPGRADE, Julie encourages us to listen well, and be careful where we're listening.

"The need for understanding runs like a common thread through the noise of 2020," Julie says.

"Have you heard commitments to listening and learning? Have you expressed this intent?"

When I (Dawn) hear people shouting at one another during these chaotic times, I wonder, "Is anyone even listening? Or is everyone simply pushing their own agenda?

What would happen if we would learn to listen and learn?

Julie continues . . .

LEANING IN with openness to listen and learn can be wise. In loud days, it can also be complicated.

With intense events demanding global attention, no one escapes hearing something or someone.

Made in God’s image, the first Listener, we learn in His Word how to discern who and what we give a hearing.

1. Our Maker Listens

All people reflect God’s image, so His example as a listener matters. He doesn’t have to listen to the lowly, but He does.

He promised, “I will listen to you” (Jeremiah 29:12).

God assures us He listens.

“The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are attentive to their cry,” (Psalm 34:15). He gives attention to our words, even our cries. It’s a behavior we give thanks for.

2. We’re Made for Listening

Out of gratitude for God’s heart to hear us, we can learn to grow our listening skills. 

Instead, we’re often inclined to answer before leaning in.

God calls us out for what we are in those moments: disgraced.

“To answer before listening—that is folly and shame” (Proverbs 18:13).

Join a group in spewing words without humble listening, and we become part of a disgraceful group.

No one is exempt from the need to hear attentively with a heart to understand. 

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19b).

When we listen, we learn. If we only hear without godly attentiveness, we miss out on learning.

If we shut out godly instruction, Proverbs warns that we stray (Proverbs 19:20, 27).

3. We Benefit from Hearing

When we hear and act on messages aligning with God’s truth, we’re blessed.

“Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it” (Luke 11:28).

We are blessed when we remember what God says and do it (James 1:25). We’re like a wise man who builds his life on a rock (Matthew 7:24)—so if life feels shaky, it may be due to the voices we’re listening to.

4. Deception Speaks

Fallen voices speak fallen messages.

This is the challenge in a fallen world, discerning WHERE to lean in and listen. We can’t afford to be lazy listeners learning from peddlers of their own passions apart from God’s truth.

Jeremiah 23:16-17 warns listeners about hearing messages that don’t align with God’s truth. If listeners heed those voices, the imaginations of people “delude” them with “false hopes.”

Believing deceivers leads to losing God’s promised blessings.  

We can’t listen to every voice in the noisy now.

We can’t afford to let deceitful voices be those we listen to.

“Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says” (James 1:22). To know how to navigate these days, we must protect time and space to lean in to voices of truth.

The noisy now grows louder each day. Let’s lean in as listeners learning to see these days in God’s ways.

Where are you listening in these loud times? Who are you listening to and learning from? Is there a voice you need to silence or one to amplify? Plan for some quiet time so you can hear.

Julie Sanders loves uplifting leaders globally. She finds joy in helping women listen and learn cross-culturally from one another and, most of all, from God’s truth for life in every land. She’s the author of The ABCs of Praying for Students. Julie calls the Northwest home and writes from her online base at juliesanders.org.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Jon Wisbey at FreeImages.com.

Memos from Mama

Deb DeArmond writes about relationships and her relationship with her mama has some great lessons for all of us. In this Mother's Day UPLIFT, she writes about communicating truth with "mama-inspired" confidence.

"Laughter," Deb says, "is the shock absorber that softens the blows of life."

I (Dawn) am sure we all have fun sayings and words of advice from parents and grandparents. My grandpa's favorite to me was, "Don't just sit there like a lump on a pickle." But Deb's mama was  especially wise.

Deb continues . . .

My head is filled with memos from mama.

• "The only person who really likes change is a wet baby."
• "Don't make me take you to the north forty"—the last warning before a spanking.
• "If you had everything, where would you put it?"

My mother had an interesting and pragmatic outlook on life. And enough unusual expressions to create her own dictionary.

She’s been gone nearly 20 years, and still, I’m stunned at how often in the midst of a challenge, heartbreak or opportunity, I hear her voice.

• Usually a soft supportive tone, meant to encourage.
• Occasionally, a bit sharper, to help redirect my thinking when I might not get it quickly enough to make the best choice.

I can’t count the times her words have echoed in my heart and set me on the right path.

Down-to-earth, practical, and no-nonsense advice is tough to come by these days. Sometimes the facts are inconvenient or uncomfortable to address.

And it seems the older I get, the more political correctness and sensitivity training I’m exposed to. I believe it’s caused us to move further from telling it like it is—with love—and the more watered down our message becomes.

Please don’t misunderstand. I’m not an advocate for using the truth as a battering ram.

• I support speaking up when it can advance the cause of Christ.
• The truth is also essential when we have the opportunity to build up, encourage, or exhort others to live more like Jesus. That is what the word of God asks us to do: “Speak the truth in love...” (Ephesians 4:15a).

Truth is compelling. It has the power to touch the heart and bring our thoughts and actions into alignment with the life Jesus died to redeem.

Facts persuade. Truth transforms.

Here are three practical ways to express truth with mama-inspired confidence.

1. Pray before you speak.

Be certain it’s the truth you’re sharing and not your opinion. It’s a short hop and a skip from expressing our opinion to judgment.

Asking God’s Spirit to help us distinguish between the truth and our opinion fulfills the remainder of the verse in Ephesians 4:15—"let’s grow in every way into Christ.”

The truth is found in Christ, not our version of life as it should be.

2. Truth will set you free, too.

The truth receiver and the truth teller are blessed in the process.

When we walk fully in the truth, we are free—released and confident to share it with others, assured it will convey the message of our heart.

The ability to express our concern comes easily and communicates love, not criticism.

We can’t shame people onto the right path; encouragement and exhortation of God’s word must be the foundation.

3. Don’t over-communicate your message.

Mama’s messages spoke to my heart because they made me think.

Her truth, God’s truth, could become my truth only when communicated with love not lecture.

The battering ram rarely finds an open heart.

Jude 1:20 reminds us to build one another in the faith.

What message is God waiting for you to deliver? What’s holding you back? Fight truth decay and share it—in love—today!

Deb DeArmond is an expert in the fields of communication, relationship, and conflict resolution. Deb’s books help readers create the life God meant marriage and family to be. Read her at: Family Matters/Deb DeArmond.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Bru-nO at Pixabay.

When Words (Should) Fail You

Kolleen Lucariello's unique personality is a gift from God. She sees life through a different lens than most people. I love how—in this Communication UPGRADE—Kolleen challenges us to choose our words carefully, especially when facing a friend in grief. "As soon as the words began to slip through my lips, I knew," Kolleen said.  

"In my attempt to say the right thing to the father whose 37-year-old daughter had just passed away—I had failed. The tension was immense."

Sometimes I (Dawn) feel like I'm part of a not-so-special "club" of people who say the wrong things or the right things at the wrong time—even when they mean well. Kolleen apparently joined that club. But she's learning how to choose her words wisely and biblically, and she has wise counsel for all of us. 

Kolleen continues . . .

My insides began to twist—as though a crank began to turn—followed by a conversation within my head.

“Kolleen, you need to apologize. Right now. Tell him you are sorry for asking an insensitive question.”

My apology was quick. Overcoming my embarrassment, however, was not. 

Some words are just better left unsaid.

But there have been occasions when words roll off my tongue because of a nervous-need-to-fill-the-silence moment.

Sometimes, they fall out because of an insensitive-I-didn’t-think-first moment. Thankfully, I-don’t-care moments happen less often than they used to. But, in my attempt to offer the right words at that moment I missed the mark.

It’s not always easy to find the right words in the heat of someone’s hard moment.

Just ask Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar. They were three of Job’s friends who, in their desire to bring comfort to their friend, discovered their words had backfired.

Once known as the greatest, wealthiest, and most respected man in the east, Job had suffered through great loss (Job 1-2).

He was a changed man when his friends arrived that day. Sorrow and suffering can do that to you.

After hearing of his suffering, the three traveled to mourn with Job and comfort him (Job 2:11). When they arrived, their own grief took over when they found their friend unrecognizable (Job 2:12).

They did what good friends do.

They sat beside Job, and for seven days and seven nights no one said a word (Job 2:13). Silence. It’s a sacred, beautiful thing, but it can also be uncomfortable. Especially for someone who—like me—feels a heavy weight beneath too much silence.

When the sound of silence becomes too loud I, like Job’s friends, find myself speaking words out of uneasiness, rather than thought.  

This is when the “fixer” in me rushes in to save the day, and do away with silence. Let’s find the reason, discover the cause, and then move on to the remedy.

But the words chosen may have a lasting effect on the one with whom I sit—and on me.

When Job broke the silence, and began to speak out of his heartbreak, his friends responded out of their “anxious thoughts” (20:2).

• Eliphaz wanted Job to understand he was being disciplined for his sin. "Consider the joy of those corrected by God! Do not despise the discipline of the Almighty when you sin" (Job 5:17 NLT).
• Bildad wanted Job to repent. His “If you…” statements cast blame on the man God described to Satan as blameless (2:3).  “God will not cast away the blameless" (8:20). In other words, “You’re not so blameless after all, are you Job?”
• Zophar felt Job needed to be rebuked and reminded that God was punishing him far less than he deserved (11:6). Who needs to hear that when surrounded by sorrow and suffering.

     Bring an Upgrade to the Life of Someone Suffering   

1.  Job’s friends did not recognize him in his time of grief.

Job had lost everything but his wife, and he was covered in grief and boils.

You may not recognize your friend in their time of sorrow and suffering. Sit with them amid the silence without trying to fix anything.

2. Job explained his heartbreak.  

“If my misery could be weighed and my troubles be put on the scales, they would outweigh all the sands of the sea. That is why I spoke impulsively” (Job 6:1, NLT).

Friends in the midst of sorrow and suffering may speak impulsively. Grief isn’t always expressed neatly, or nicely. Let them speak without patrolling their every word.

3. Don’t jump to conclusions on why this is happening.

Job said, “Stop assuming my guilt” (6:29).

Before Job entered into this test God described him as "blameless"—a man of complete integrity (Job 1:8).

At the end of the test, each friend had been rebuked by the Lord. Job was the only one God said spoke accurately of Him. In their need to fill the silence with opinion, the friends spoke inaccurate assumptions (Job 42:7).

“One should be kind to a fainting friend, but you accuse me without any fear of the Almighty” (Job 6:14, NLT).

When our friends feel faint because of grief and sorrow, they need our kindness and prayers. Don’t bring accusations, opinions or words to fill the silence.

Find comfort in the silence.  

Kolleen Lucariello, #TheABCGirl, is the author of the devotional book, The ABC’s of Who God Says I Am and Co-Executive Director of Activ8Her, Inc. Kolleen and her high school sweetheart, Pat, reside in Central New York. She’s a mother of three married children and Mimi to five incredible grandkids. She desires to help others find their identity in Christ, one letter at a time. Find out more about Kolleen here:

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Serena Wong at Pixabay.