Grandparenting with G-R-A-C-E

In this Relationship UPGRADE, Deb DeArmond offers encouragement to grandparents who must deal with their children’s divorce and the own desire to build an ongoing legacy with their grandchildren.

“When the family divides, grandparents may find themselves excluded,” Deb said. “How to manage? It may not be easy, but it is simple. Face it with G-R-A-C-E!”

Grandparenting can be a rewarding experience, but I (Dawn) know many difficulties can arise when divorce is involved. It helps to have some solid strategies to build relationships with the grandkids.

Deb continues . . .

“It’s in the wee hours when my defenses are down, that my heart breaks all over again,” Sandy says explaining to friends how the absence of her grandson, Charlie, affects her. “Being without him is tough, to say the least.”

A strained relationship following her son’s divorce led to her daughter-in-law’s decision to keep Charlie from Sandy and her husband.

Unfortunately, their story is familiar for grandparents everywhere.

When the family divides, grandparents find themselves excluded, praying for a few sweet moments with a much-loved grandchild.

Divorce can create disruption in the relationship. But other issues may factor in: 

• A rebellious or prodigal child may punish his parents by withholding the grandchildren.
• A strained relationship between you and your child’s spouse can be an issue.
• The stress of seeing your grandchildren raised in an environment you find unsafe, unhealthy or chaotic can be difficult. Your comments may put you on the “no visit” list.
• Grandchildren are sometimes used to extract something of value from the grandparents in exchange for time together.

Children are busy today. School, church, sports and other activities keep them on-the-go. There may be little time for grandparent visits.

So what are grandparents to do? Face it with G-R-A-C-E.

G - Give it to God.

Focus on calming thoughts and let go of what you can’t control. Search out and write down “God replacements” – thoughts and scripture that reassure.

1 Peter 5:7 is a great place to start.

“Casting all your cares upon Him for He cares for you” (NKJV).

God knows the hurt of rejection. Seek His comfort by giving hurts to Him.

R - Recharge yourself.

Sorrow can bring loneliness, grief, even depression to “forgotten” grandparents. “I had to learn to live a new normal,” Sandy remarked.

Exercise, good nutrition, and patience help to recharge emotional batteries. Choose activities that restore you spiritually.

Friends who’d had similar experiences brought comfort and insight to Sandy. “They helped me understand that peace and joy in life is still possible, even if you don’t get to see a beloved grandchild for many years.” 

A - Adjust your expectations.  

Our adult children have families, careers and responsibilities. We become guests (hopefully, honored guests) in their lives.

Your grandchildren may be raised differently than the way you raised your own.

Different is not always wrong; it’s just different. If you measure their parenting using yourself as ruler, they’ll always come up short. Raising kids is tough duty. Pray for your grandchildren and their parents.

We play second fiddle in this band, but the music can still be sweet.

C - Communicate!

Do it often and without judgment. Call frequently. Send notes, cards, and photographs. Keep at it, even if they go unanswered. Do what you can and let God manage the results.

Don’t put grandkids in an awkward position by asking about mommy and daddy or blaming their parents for missing time together. Keep adult issues between adults.

E - Educate yourself.

Paper and pen may be your preference, but computers, texting, and social media are tops with today’s kids. My 83 year-old mother-in-law is computer savvy and active on Facebook. She knows what’s going on in the life of her kids, grandkids, and great grands by following their activity. She knows their prayer needs as she’s part of their everyday lives.

It may not be easy, but it is simple. So . . . what’s your first step to face it with G-R-A-C-E?

Deb DeArmond’s passion is family—not just her own, but the 

relationships within families in general. Her most recent book, I 

Choose You Today: 31 Choices to Make Love Last, reveals the power 

of choice to create the marriage you desire. Her first book, Related by 

Chance, Family by Choice, explores tools and tips to building sound 

relationships between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. Deb and 

her husband, Ron, live in the Fort Worth area. For more about Deb, 

visit her "Family Matters" site.

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Holiday Hoopla at 50+: Making Memories

Deb DeArmond, the co-founder of "My Purpose Now," eagerly encourages women to live for the Lord in their second half of life. This optimistic mid-lifer has a special Holiday UPGRADE for those of us who still want to make a difference at 50+!

“As we get older,” Deb says, “making new memories is more important than ever!"

I (Dawn) am well past 50, and although I might move a little slower these days, my mind is always dreaming up some ways to create fresh family memories. So I appreciate Deb’s perspective.

She continues . . .

Two years ago we did what most people our age don’t do. We upgraded by purchasing a bigger home. We got an extra two bedrooms and another full bath in the deal and traded a small lot for nearly a quarter acre.

Crazy this late in our fifth decade? Maybe. But it’s all part of the plan.

What plan? To make room for more memories.

This year we will be blessed with five little grandboys gathered in our home for the holidays. (They will be bringing their parents along.) A sixth grandson is waiting in the wings, arriving after the New Year. The boys range in age from three months to seven years old.

It’s going to be noisy.

          And messy.

                    And all kinds of wonderful.

I do enjoy watching the kids as they open something special—selected just for them. But the holiday hoopla includes the marketeers working to convince the little ones that “this new thingamajig” is something they can’t live without.

As grandparents, how do we bring balance, with a focus on honoring Christ and enjoying the season in awe of the depth of God’s love for us?

As it says in Proverbs, "A good life gets passed on to the grandchildren . . . " (Proverbs 13:22, The Message).

Several years ago, my hubby and I proposed a new Christmas plan to our sons and daughters-in-law. We concluded we no longer needed anything, wanted anything or had room for anything else in our home.

But just like Jell-O, there’s always more room for memories.

Our suggestion? A shared experience in place of gifts. There were a few raised eyebrows and requests for clarification, but eventually, thumbs up all around.

The first year we rented a mountain cabin where the snow and the crackling fire kept us inside playing games, watching movies and talking. Remember talking? It’s been downgraded thanks to the (anti)social media mania.

The kids skied and we all indulged in a furious snowball fight. We exchanged letters on Christmas morning, each writing a note to the others acknowledging the gifts and gratitude of doing life together. One of the best holidays ever.

Disney was beautiful the next Christmas, and one year we opted for California sunshine. Eventually, the first couple of kiddles joined us as travelers. I wouldn’t trade those trips and the time together for anything.

This year with three babies 18 months and under, plus a very pregnant mama-to-be, travel is not an option. At least not one sane people would choose. So we’ll be making holiday memories with a new flair this year. Here are some tips on how to do that with your tribe.

(1) Turn holiday chores into an event. A baking date with my daughter-in-law, or a tree trimming extravaganza with food and holiday music can make the mundane magic.

(2) Expand holiday traditions to the next generation. The traditional holiday tea with my best friend will include our daughters this year at a lovely public garden. Wrangle the older kids to deliver gifts at a nursing home or sing carols to shut-ins. Dress up the littles in their holiday best and go to a holiday concert.

(3) Select experiences that are new for the entire family. We’re planning a ride on a local version of the Polar Express aboard a restored vintage train. Perhaps a holiday “cook off” with each of the couples taking on a day of the week-long menu plan. Vote for your faves and award “family chef” prize to the winners.

It’s easy to buy a gift. Creating memories might require more imagination, but is worth the effort. Perhaps we can help influence the grandbabies to choose wealth by wanting less stuff and living more life.

As grandparents, we have a responsibility to the next generations so Jesus, not things, becomes the focus.

This year, upgrade to making holiday memories!

Deb DeArmond’s passion is family—not just her own, but the relationships within families in general. Her recent book, Related by Chance, Family by Choice, explores tools and tips to building sound relationships between moms and the girls who marry their sons. Deb and her husband, Ron, live in the Fort Worth area. For more about Deb, visit her “My Purpose Now” site and her "Family Matters" site.

How to Create a Godly Legacy

I’ve been reading Becky Harling’s newsletters for some time now, and find her to be a godly, insightful woman. This post about Upgrading your Legacy isn’t just for grandmas! I appreciate Becky’s perspective on building a legacy now – whatever your age.

“I realize that if I want to leave a godly legacy for those coming up behind me, I need to make intentional choices now,” Becky said.

Those of you who know me (Dawn) will know Becky had me at the word “choices.” Leaving a godly legacy doesn’t just happen.

Becky continues … 

I have found I need to return to these choices often to remind myself of the end goal – leaving a godly legacy.

Choice 1:  Prioritize personal purity.

In other words, don’t allow yourself to engage in “secret sins.” Choose integrity. Let your public life match your private life.

If you’re struggling in a particular area, confess your faults to a close friend or mentor and ask her to hold you accountable. James 5:16 instructs us, “Therefore, confess your sins to each other so that you may be healed.” When you dare to bring others into your struggles, it provides accountability and healing as they pray for you.  

Choice 2: Break the cycle of ungrace.  

A judgmental spirit and bitterness is often passed from one generation to another in families. Think of older people you know who have never forgiven those who have hurt them. They harbor bitterness. I don’t want to be like that!

I have found that I must continually ask the Holy Spirit to cleanse my mind. It’s so easy to hang on to our hurts and build a monument to our personal pain.

Jesus calls us to something entirely different. He commands us to “settle matters quickly” (Matthew 5:25). In other words, learn to let go of your hurts and offer grace instead.

Choice 3:  Commit to sharing the gospel and investing in others.

One of my daughters reminds her four-year-old son, “Jesus first, others second, you last.” That’s a great policy for our lives, isn’t it?  

Practice lifting your focus to God every day in praise, then turn your focus outward to see how you might invest in someone else, and then finally glance inward.

Too often we become obsessed with ourselves and forget that God wants us exalting Him and encouraging others.

Choice 4: Choose praise over complaining.

Whew! That’s tough, isn’t it? It’s so easy to complain even about the small things in life, like the weather, the food we eat, or the clothes we wear.

The Apostle Paul wrote that we should, “Do everything without complaining” (Philippians 2:14).  I fear sometimes that we are so accustomed to complaining that we don’t even realize we’re doing it anymore.

What if we became ruthless with ourselves in the area of complaining? What if the next time we feel like complaining, we start praising God instead? Wow. Imagine how our attitudes would change. Imagine the positive legacy we would leave behind.

What kind of spiritual legacy are you leaving for your children and grandchildren? The people you mentor? Others who are watching your life? What can you do today to insure you leave a godly legacy?

Becky Harling is a sought-after speaker and the author of several books, including Rewriting Your Emotional Script, Freedom from Performing, The 30 Day Praise Challenge and The 30 Day Praise Challenge for Parents. Her degree in biblical literature, and her experience as a missionary, women's ministries director, pastor’s wife and breast cancer survivor, bring depth to her message. She and her husband Steve live in Arvada, Colorado, and they have four grown children and five grandchildren.  

Note: This post is adapted from a Becky Harling Ministries newsletter (6-6-14).

Leaving a Creative Legacy

My grandmothers left me a rich creative legacy, and I asked Dena Dyer to share how she leaves a creative legacy in this Family UPGRADE.

"Leaving a creative legacy is something I strive for," Dena says.

God created all things (Colossians 1:16; John 1:3), and we are designed  in His creative image. I [Dawn] get sad when I see families where parents or grandparents fail to help their children and grandchildren develop creativity. It takes time and intentionality to nurture the gifts God places in the younger generation.

Dena continues…

On my mother’s side, I come from a long line of “creatives.” Which is a nice way of saying our family is a little whacked-out.

My great-grandfather Pappy wrote many unpublished short stories. His daughter Nanaw was an artist and writer. Her husband Dadaw was an amateur inventor, and my mother is a talented stained glass artist, children’s music teacher and decorator.

Each of my late relatives lived life with panache and turned ordinary moments into memorable experiences.

Pappy allowed his pet parakeet to drink coffee out of his cup in the mornings. Nanaw and Dadaw danced to the Muzak in the grocery store, much to my mother’s chagrin. While they waltzed around the frozen food, she hid behind the stacks of canned goods, praying no one would see her. Their defense? “We can’t let this good music go to waste!”

Once, the stories embarrassed me. Then they amused me. Now, they inspire me.

In fact, a Dyer family motto is “Why be normal? It’s so boring.”

I long for my kids carve their own paths, instead of following in the footsteps others have forged.

I’m grateful that my husband, a professional musician, shares my philosophy of parenting, and I’m also extremely thankful for grandparents and teachers who’ve come alongside us.

My younger son’s drama teacher, who took a break from the classroom for several years, told us, “The main difference I noticed when I came back was that the kids were much less creative. They didn’t know how to use their imaginations.” She attributed the change to a rise in electronics use, overscheduled families, and school curriculum which elevates standardized instruction over discovery-based learning.

I found that incredibly sad … and disturbing.

In our family, we love our computers, tablets, and smart phones as much as anyone (and they can be great tools for both discovery and expression), but we try to balance non-creative electronics use with active play.

• Often, creativity is as simple as changing a routine: “Put some music on while we clean.”
• It might mean instituting a silly family tradition: “Let’s go to Sonic for a cherry limeade—in our pajamas!”
• At times, it occurs organically—after the “b” word slips out. (My boys know that if they say, “I’m bored,” I will put them to work. So they create their own fun as a last resort, just to avoid chores.)

We’ve also arranged our family budget to include funds for art and music lessons, creative experiences, and supplies. It’s more important for us that our sons have memorable experiences than name-brand clothing.

Of course, we don’t always get it “right,” and there are times when laziness or inertia sets in. For those days, I cling to God’s grace.

In the future, Jordan and Jackson might seek therapy for the way we’ve raised them. However, they might also thank us. I’m praying for that alternative.

Luci Shaw writes, “I’m convinced that the whole world is better when we, as individuals, capture and savor each moment as the gift that it is, embrace the challenge or joy of it … and thereby transform it with the magic of creative possibility.”

I think Pappy, Nanaw and Dadaw would agree.

What are you doing to leave a "creative legacy" for your children or grandchildren ... or even some children in your sphere of influence?

Dena Dyer is a wife, mom, author and speaker from Texas. A version of this story appears in Grace for the Race: Meditations for Busy Moms (Patheos). Her newest book is Wounded Women of the Bible: Finding Hope When Life Hurts (Kregel), co-authored with Tina Samples.

4 Tips for Being a Fun, Faithful Grandparent

I'm always amazed by how much truth Gail Purath can pack into her 1-Minute Bible Love Notes posts. But I also know she is a loving grandma, and I asked her to share this relationship UPGRADE. (NOTE: If you are not a grandma or even a mother, consider how you might apply Gail's counsel to a mentoring sitution.)

"Six-week-old Emma had never said anything clever nor done anything noble or good," Gail said. "She required constant care and gave nothing tangible in return. But whenever I held her in my arms, I was overcome with love for my very first grandchild."

Almost any grandparent will identify with that. I (Dawn) have three granddaughters and they mean the world to me. I'm always looking for fun projects to do with them, but also for ways to build a legacy.

Gail continues ... 

We experience this love as parents, but experiencing it with our children’s children is doubly sweet. It helps us understand God’s love in new ways and gives us an awesome mission in our senior years.

We might paraphrase Ephesians 2:10:

“We are grandparents by God’s design, created in Christ Jesus to be fun and faithful, doing those things God prepared in advance for us to do.”

Six times since Emma's birth, my arms have held a new grandchild. And in my ten years as a "grammy" I've learned some things I'd love to pass along to make your grandparenting more fun and faithful:

1. Share Your Talents

Whether you're good at cooking, sewing, music, gardening, athletics or woodworking, you have something to share.

One thing I love doing is baking my signature cinnamon rolls with my grandchildren. They love getting their hands in the dough, and we end up with cinnamon and flour everywhere.

But the mess is part of the memory, and we all have a good time.

2. Share Your Faith

This may be the most important evangelism you do in your entire life, so ask God for creative ways to do it.

Last year I had an after-school "Bible Club" for my two oldest granddaughters, and this year I started reading Christian missionary biographies with my ten-year-old granddaughter. What  wonderful opportunities we've had to discuss the Lord together.

3. Pray for Your Grandchildren

Your age, experience and love give you special wisdom in praying specifically for your grandchildren’s hearts and lives.

Many throughout history have been influenced by the lives and prayers of their grandparents—Timothy, for one (2 Timothy 1:5). This aspect of our grandparenting can't be overestimated.

4. Be Available and Have Fun

Grandparents usually have more time than parents. Even if you're still working full time, you have fewer dependent family members to keep you busy.

It’s true that age steals some of our energy, but reserving some of that energy for our grands is well worth it.

One afternoon my six-year-old granddaughter Gracie asked if she could come to my house while her mom went to the gym.

"I don't know if Grammy wants to babysit today," my daughter cautioned.

"Oh, Grammy doesn't babysit me," Gracie insisted, "We just hang out together."

If you haven’t learned it yet, it’s high time to learn the art of just “hangin’ out.” Enjoy your “second childhood” by rolling on the floor, being silly, playing with paper dolls, and riding bikes. Grandchildren are wonderful playmates.

Yes, grandparenting is more than an awesome responsibility; it’s an awesome opportunity to love and be loved, an opportunity to share our gifts, our faith, our prayers, our lives, and our creativity with our children's children. Let's make the most of it!

What are some special things you've done with a grandchild to create some God-honoring memories?

Gail Purath has been married to her best friend Michael for 42 years, living the life of a nomad here on earth (40 homes in 62 years), looking forward to her heavenly home. She is the mother of two and "grammy" of seven—three boys and four girls (ages 2-10). Gail writes about her joys, struggles, failures and victories in her short-but-powerful 1-Minute Bible Love Notes and shares a short Bible study each week on Bite Size Bible Study. Gail writes about her joys, struggles, failures and victories in her short-but-powerful 1-Minute Bible Love Notes and shares a short Bible study each week on Bite Size Bible Study.

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