Getting Through Your Grief

I met Yvonne Ortega at AWSA, a writer's and speaker's conference in 2015. I was so surprised by her persistent joy. So many struggles conspired to keep this woman of God down, but she emerged victorious. In this helpful Grief and Ministry UPGRADE, she shares her story and what she learned about grief.

"I’ll never forget that Thursday night after work in May," Yvonne said. "I read an email that said, 'I’m sorry to hear the news about your son Brian. Call me"

I called my friend in California and said, 'What news about Brian?'

"She thought I knew my only child had died unexpectedly after eye surgery. Living on the opposite coast, I didn’t. Tears gushed down my checks. I could hardly talk."

I (Dawn) cannot imagine this mother heart's pain! I wonder, if I knew Yvonne during those dark days, would I have known what to say? Yvonne has some wise counsel about that.

She continues . . .

That was six years ago within weeks after the loss of two aunts and my mother. I walked around in shellshock.

Reality set in one year later on Mother’s Day.

Without my mother and son, there would be no cards, calls, gifts or visits. Only AGONY!

Here are three tips that helped me get through the grief.

First, I realized I couldn’t do it alone.

I went to The Compassionate Friends, a support group for those who’ve lost a child. That group met monthly. I also went to GriefShare, a weekly support group for those who’ve lost a loved one. I received a GriefShare workbook and a devotional.

Second, I needed to be honest about my feelings.

I didn’t need to be strong. I wouldn’t ruin my testimony if I cried.

God made me with tear glands. Jesus wept when Lazarus died, and He knew He would raise him from the dead.

I clung to 2 Corinthians 1:3-4:

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”

As I poured my heartaches and struggles into my journal, I sensed God’s presence.

Third, I accepted the fact that some people would do better not saying anything.

Friends like Job’s said,

• “We all suffer little losses.” (How could the loss of my only child be little?)
• “At least you know he’s in heaven.” (I was doubled over in pain because he’d never walk through my front door again, never call me or send me a card again. I couldn’t call or visit him or send him a card or a gift either.)
• “I heard your son committed suicide.” (She heard a lie.)
• “Call me if you need me.” (I never called anyone who said that.)

Others knew what to say:

• “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
• “I will miss Brian.”
• “I’ll be over tomorrow at 1:00 pm to clean your house.”
• “I want to fix dinner for you tonight. Do you have food allergies or foods you dislike?”
• “I’m on the way to the post office. I can buy stamps for you.”
• “What can I pick up for you when I go to the grocery store?”
• “I’m going to the bookstore. If you need thank you notes, I’ll get them.”

I received God’s comfort and now share that comfort with others. I found peace and joy again, but not overnight.

If you’ve lost a loved one, what will you do this week to help you get through your grief?

If you know someone who is grieving, what can you say that’s helpful?

Yvonne Ortega is a licensed professonal counselor, a bilingual professional speaker and a speaking coach. She's the author of Moving from Broken to Beautiful: 9 Life Lessons to Help You Move Forward (2015) and Finding Hope for Your Journey through Breast Cancer (2010). She has not only survived but also thrived after a domestic violence marriage, breast caner and the loss of her only child. With honesty and humor, Yvonne uses personal examples and the truths of the Bible to help women move from broken to beautiful.

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of Witthaya Phonsawat at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.