Still 'Smitten' over Your Husband? (Part 1)

In this two-part Marriage UPGRADE, Dawn reminds us we need to cultivate attraction in a marriage relationship if we want to see it grow.

Some time ago, I read this funny statement: "When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's cute. I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date!" *

That made me laugh, but it also made me think about all those love-smitten couples who carved. (Not that it's the healthiest thing for a tree, but it was likely healthy for the couples' relationship.)

If you are married (and if you are not, think about a married couple you know), you might remember two people staring deep into each other's eyes, transfixed by the glorious creature in front of them — clearly "gaga" over each other.

Maybe they actually did carve their initials in a heart on a tree trunk. Maybe she wrote her name over and over on a piece of paper, with the word "Mrs." in front of her name. Maybe he daydreamed about her all day. Maybe they had trouble thinking at work, eager for the next date together.

Smitten!

One meaning of the word "smitten" is "to be strongly attracted to someone or something." Yes, it certainly does appear to be so in nearly-weds and newlyweds who are so totally wrapped up in each other to the point they see no one else! Their excitement is over the top. They're smitten to the point of distraction.

And isn't it fun to watch them?

I'm glad I can see that wild enthusiasm and crazy infatuation in some couples married for 50 years and beyond! I know more than one couple in their 70s and 80s who still hold hands ... still smile at each other with delight ... still praise each other in public ... still send each other love notes ... still are totally engaged and attracted by their spouse ... smitten.

Some say, "That's so sweet."

I'd add, "That's so important!"

I'm always sad when people tell newlyweds, "with time, reality sets in."

That's how it's portrayed, right? When we face the tough things in marriage, or simply as the years pass,  "reality" sets in and we no longer feel smitten. We think in terms of "comfortable and coping." 

Now there's nothing wrong with those descriptions of married love, and believe me, I'm not suggesting we become irresponsible kids. "Comfortable and coping" are great! Marriage should bring maturity and wisdom through the years, and a deepening sense of commitment, mutual yielding, service and even sacrifice.

But let's not lose this "smitten" thing entirely. Let's make it part of our reality.

Let me explain.

I think we have an example of "smitten" love in the Bible. We observe the blossoming of pure love in the Song of Songs as the king is fixated, charmed by his beloved. We hear the young Shulammite Bride's lovesick responses. While there are so many themes we could consider in this short story, it's not hard to see how smitten this couple was. Their sweet, passionately-expressed love was perfectly wholesome and good.

"Behold, how beautiful you are, my darling ...." (Song of Songs 1:15)

"Behold, how fair and handsome you are, my beloved; and so delightful!" (Song of Songs 1:16)

(A passing thought ... had Solomon continued to pursue his beloved one with such head-over-heels passion, maybe he wouldn't have added those other wives. Or maybe the Shulammite lost her feelings of being smitten. It works both ways.)

Yes, we begin to see the "warts" in our Beloved some time after the honeymoon, but those weaknesses can be viewed differently as we see them through the filter of God's love and choose to leave any "spousal project management" to the Father's wisdom.

True love doesn't ignore the weaknesses in the one loved. It simply chooses to value the loved one highly and appreciate—with grace and hope—the magnificent and beautiful gift God gave us.

Love sees what's there, but also sees the potential "in Christ."

One of my favorite work projects while working with a revival ministry was collaborating with a team of godly people to create the "30-Day Husband Encouragement Challenge." It was designed to help women speak positively to and about their husbands every day for a month, and to watch the Lord work.

I must confess, as I worked on the project, I became painfully aware of something: encouraging my husband wasn't my normal habit. At that time, my marriage was good, but not great. I'd lost that "smitten" feeling. Somehow the attraction had weakened. I didn't think this was God's plan, and looking back, there were many reasons (not excuses) for the decline.

Day Ten of the challenge was expecially convicting:

"... when we spend time criticizing our husbands, we lose time that could be spent admiring and remembering why we chose that person in the first place!"

At that moment, the "teacher" became the student. Since working on that project, I've been through the challenge several times and have grown spiritually and in my marriage each time. And you know what?

"Smitten" returned.

I found myself freshly transfixed on and attracted to my man — his character, thoughts, attitudes, integrity, responsibility, talents, kindness and more. I prayed with new insight, "I'm so grateful, Lord, you brought Bob and I together."

I discovered something unexpected too:

When I'm thoroughly and gloriously "smitten," there's greater potential my hubby will become more "smitten" too.

Funny how that works. I'm thankful my husband responded in sweet and strong ways.

But even if my husband never responded the way I'd hoped, I still believed:

Cultivating love and appreciation toward my spouse brings glory to God.

It's true, because I'm learning how to express appreciation for someone my Father created just for me, and that gratitude is one way to praise HIM!

In PART TWO of this post, I'll share my top 5 Suggestions to Build on the "Smitten" Part of Your Marriage.

What do you think "smitten" looks like in newly-marrieds? Why do you think it so often decline? What can you do to encourage being freshly attracted to your spouse?

Dawn Wilson, founder of Heart Choices Today and Upgrade with Dawn, is a contracted researcher for Revive Our Hearts. She and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

* Humor from Cybersalt Digest, One Liner #0923, Issue #3956, 8-2-13

Graphic: "The Carvings Tree" - from The Washington Post on Pinterest (original link unknown at this time).