Holiday Hope for Aging Parents

Including aging parents in our holiday plans can take some extra thought, but as Cynthia Ruchti shows us in this Holiday UPGRADE, it's so worth the time and effort!

"Aging parents—and caring for them—can upgrade the holidays for us," Cynthia says. "And it’s about time."

I (Dawn) like that. I like any time we can upgrade the holidays. We do it with decorations and events, but what about the people in our lives? How do we give a meaningful dose of holiday hope to our aging parents?

Cynthia continues . . .

In many families, Grandma and Grandpa once provided the setting for all the holiday memory-making.

Theirs was the groaning dining room table with a feast and decorations that revealed days’ worth of cooking, baking, preparation.

Theirs was the backyard hill for sledding and snow forts.

The presents under the Christmas tree might have crowded against each other with the grandparents’ generosity and homemade gifts.

But now, a hospital bed might occupy the spot a glittering tree once claimed.

The living room of the grandparents’ home is “decorated” with the trappings of ill health and aging—walkers, commodes, lift chairs. The sounds of Christmas music in the background competes with the sound of the oxygen machine.

Or Grandma and Grandpa are in reasonably good health, but living in a small apartment or an assisted living home.

We can change the setting for holiday gatherings. Christmas at Aunt Cheryl’s this year. Or Thanksgiving dinner at the home of Grandma and Grandpa’s eldest child.

But how do we keep our grip on cherished traditions, include rather than exclude the aging, and find new ways to “Honor thy father and mother” (Exodus 20:12 KJV) when the holidays include tasks of caregiving for aging parents?

And how will doing so upgrade our holiday experiences?

I love how God included the elderly in the original Christmas story.

Luke 1 starts not with the angel Gabriel’s visit to Mary, but with Zechariah, an aged priest, who by God’s grace had a son despite his wife’s lifelong barrenness. That son—John—prepared the way for the coming Messiah.

Bookending the story of the birth of Christ are other characters of many years—Simeon, who blessed the eight-day-old infant Jesus in the temple, and Anna, a prophet described as “very old.” She’d been married only seven years, and at the time of Jesus’s birth was an 84-year-old-widow.

Anna was among the first to Tweet the news about the birth of the Messiah.

(She “tweeted” with whole sentences, though, telling everyone she knew, everyone who had been looking forward to the redemption of Jerusalem that He had been born, according to Luke 2:38.)

Zechariah, Simeon, Anna—their ages added to the encompassing picture of the Christmas story.

And so can the elderly in our families, even if their needs require special accommodations during the holidays.

• Encourage Grandpa or Grandma to pray over the holiday meal, if that’s long been a tradition in your home and they are still able to communicate.
• If you host the holiday gathering at some place other than their residence, consider bringing something familiar to anchor them in the new scene—a favorite afghan, their heirloom nativity set, Grandma’s good china or silverware.
• Use double-sided name tents at each place setting to boost Grandma’s or Grandpa’s memory about the names of their loved ones.
• Unless it’s physically impossible, include them in safe but meaningful ways in the food preparation. Some aging parents/grandparents grow restless and uncomfortable around the holidays because it’s a reminder of traditions in which they can no longer participate. Even if someone else needs to yield the knife, can Grandma arrange the vegetables on the crudité platter? If Grandpa once carved the turkey but can no longer manage the task, can he be given the honor of making the first slice?
• Reserve time for aging parents to tell their stories.
• Show consideration for their tolerance for noise and commotion. Plan quiet activities in addition to what was once delightful chaos for them.
• Consider, too, their nutritional restrictions. Rather than making them bypass their favorite foods, find ways to accommodate an extra bowl of salt-free gravy or seedless blackberry jam for their dinner roll.
• If aging parents or grandparents are confined by health needs to a nursing home facility, give the gift of your extended presence sometime during the holidays. Unhurried. Reminding them, and the staff, that they are treasured, dearly loved. If they live far away from the family festivities, bring video messages from their children and grandchildren, so they know they were thought of, remembered, cherished.
• Even if you send Thanksgiving or Christmas greetings only by email and Facebook, take the time to send cards to the aging.

God did not tell us to honor our father and mother when it’s convenient.

Or when their needs don’t interfere with our plans.

Or only when they … and we … are young.

What does your family do to honor elderly members during the holidays? In what ways have you discovered that “it’s about time”?

Cynthia Ruchti tells stories hemmed-in-Hope through award-winning novels, nonfiction, devotionals, and through speaking events for women. Her recent book—As My Parents Age: Reflections on Life, Love, and Change—addresses many challenging and tender aspects of caring for aging parents or grandparents. http://www.cynthiaruchti.com, http://www.hemmedinhope.com

Breathe Life! How to Upgrade Hope

Pam Farrel is a pro when it comes to applying biblical truth to the tough situations of life. In this Relationship UPGRADE, she inspires us to "breathe life" and hope wherever we can.

"God is a specialist at breathing life into seemingly hopeless situations," Pam Farrel says.

And there is the secret. Although Pam is a relationship expert, the best "specialist" in hope is the Lord, and Pam encourages us to tap into that power source.

Pam continues . . .

My grandmother scarred her lungs rushing into a barn on fire to rescue animals. As an elderly woman, she needed her oxygen tank to breathe life into her.

In a similar way, God wants us to be those who breathe life into difficult moments—and sometimes into difficult people!  

The Lord, Himself, is the breath of life:

 “And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being”  (Gen 2:7 NKJV).

 “The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by human hands.  And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else" (Acts 17:24–25).

God wants us to be more like Him, more of a life-giver.

In Deuteronomy 30:19-20, God’s heart is evident :

"This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the LORD is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob."

This “choose life” principle can be extended to apply to all kinds of situations: the seeming death of a dream, the spiraling downward of the life of someone you love, a business on a decline or in any situation that feels stuck or hopeless.

Seek to breathe life by simply asking:

• What would bring life to this situation?
• What would bring life to this person?
• Who has the skills, talents, time, and/or energy to resuscitate or revive this circumstance (or person) to bring life?

Most recently, our family saw this “life-giver” philosophy change a situation that seemed beyond hopeless.

My father-in-law is 86 and he had fallen. He was being released from a convalescent home, but he was not strong enough to function in his home—and my 86-year-old mother-in-law was too feeble to give the kind of care needed.

We had a full speaking schedule and it is our sole income, and thousands of people in our audiences would be impacted if we cancelled, so it was near impossible for either Bill or me to be the caregiver. (We were willing, but it felt impossible.)

However, we knew both mom and dad would be more comfortable if the caregiver could be someone they already knew.

Our youngest son, Caleb, came to us and said, “I believe God has called me to breathe life into Grandpa’s situation.”

Caleb was a recent graduate from an engineering program, and he had three weeks available to use before moving to another state for his Master’s program. Caleb was football player and had just completed building a block home on the mission field—so he was strong enough to carry his grandfather. Also, because Bill’s father was an aerospace engineer, the two already had much in common.  

Caleb moved in, was trained by all the health care professionals, and began to rehab his grandfather. In addition, those two engineers redesigned doorways and gates, a patio, a desk and a wheelchair to make them more user-friendly for Dad. 

Caleb is such a workhorse that when he wasn’t caring for grandpa, he rebuilt the patio, a ramp, a gate and several other areas of their home to help give Dad independence and access.

In just two weeks, Dad went from what appeared to be death’s door, to stronger mentally and physically than we had seen him function in several decades.

Caleb breathed vibrant life into the situation!

Who can you breathe life into today?

Pam Farrel is the author of 45 books, an international speaker, and relationship expert who seeks to breathe life into people’s most vital relationships through the ministry she runs with her husband, Love-Wise. Today’s blog is adapted from her newest book, 7 Simple Skills for Every Woman: Success At Keeping It All Together.

Graphic: adapted, courtesy of Jan Schultz, Webdesigner Stuttgart, Unsplash.

Help, Lord ... She Has Breast Cancer!

Janet Thompson is a three-time breast cancer survivor, but that’s not her complete identity. She is a godly woman with incredible wisdom for the body of Christ, and in this extended Ministry UPGRADE, she helps us with a sometimes-scary topic.

“It’s hard to know what to say or do when a friend or relative drops the bombshell news that she has breast cancer,” Janet said. “Often our natural response is to recoil and retreat.”

I (Dawn) don’t know about you, but sometimes my heart moves me to share with people who are hurting—people I dearly love—but fearful thoughts hold me back. Janet’s practical wisdom will help us minister with strength and compassion.

(Keep reading to see why the little lamb in that picture is so meaningful!)

Janet continues . . .

Maybe it’s the fear of facing our own mortality or the time and emotion required if we do get involved. We ease our conscience by thinking: she would rather be alone right now anyway. Or she needs her family at a time like this. Or she has so many friends; I know someone will help her.

We may send a card or make a call offering to help, closing with “I’ll be praying for you,” then on we go about our life while her life crumbles. Yet the Bible clearly tells us,

“Help each other in troubles and problems. This is the kind of law Christ asks us to obey” (Galatians 6:2 NLV).

How can we put that verse into practical terms? Here are some ways my friends and family came along side me during my initial breast cancer journey and two recurrences.

Helping with the Bad Days

1. Don’t Just Offer to Help—Do Something Tangible.

When asked the generic question, “How can I help you?” our common response is, “I’m fine, but thank you for asking.” Truthfully, we need everything but are afraid to ask.

Another well-meaning comment I received was, “Just call me if you need anything.” Now how many women are going to pick up the phone and ask for help, especially if they are not feeling well?

So instead of offering to help—just jump in and do something. 

• Schedule her friends, family, and church to bring meals. Use your lunch break to take her lunch and eat with her.
• Offer to drive her to doctor’s appointments or treatments and take notes for her.
• Shuttle her kids to and from school or find someone who can.
• Sit with her during chemo treatments or accompany her to radiation. Talk, read a book to her, or just hold her hand.
• Take her children on a play date or to your house.
• Do her laundry.
• Do her grocery shopping. If she is too sick to dictate a list, take an inventory of her refrigerator and cupboards and make your own list.
• Answer her email.
• Bring her a gift that makes her feel feminine.
• If she feels like talking, sit and chat with her. When she doesn’t feel like talking, just be a presence in her home so she doesn’t feel alone.
• Babysit her kids so she and her husband can have some private time.
• Clean her house or pay someone to do it.
• Go with her to pick out a wig or prosthesis.
• Pick up prescriptions.
• Run errands.

 2. Don’t Say, “I’ll Pray For You,” Unless You Mean It.

A promise to pray isn’t just a feel good phrase. We are telling someone that we will petition God on her behalf, and we are living falsely if we don’t. I find it’s best to stop in the moment and pray right then. It keeps me honest and blesses the other person.

Helping Her Enjoy the Good Days

1. Be Happy with Her When She’s Happy.

Cancer is a grim word. Overnight life becomes serious, tense, and laden with fear. Capitalize on the moments when there is an opportunity to laugh or smile. Be ready, because it may only last a moment, but the break from pain and fear is immeasurable.

Avoid topics that you know will bring her down. You aren’t minimizing or making light of the seriousness of the situation, but you are giving her a recess from the intensity. Don't fake happiness, but take advantage of humorous or lighter moments. Don’t let the serious eclipse the humorous.

2. Nurture the Little Girl Inside Her.

The nurse in charge of the breast-care unit gave me a white stuffed toy sheep named “Fleece.” Taking Fleece with me everywhere, I held him as a shield in front of my sore breast, tucked him under my arm as an armrest, and snuggled next to him in bed.

I indulged my childish need for security and no one chastised me for it. They acted like it was normal.

3. Shower Her with Love.

Love is the best gift you can give to your friend suffering with breast cancer. Don’t desert her when she needs you most. Right now, she requires extravagant love, and God will help you when your heart is breaking or it just seems too sad or too hard. John 13:34 tells us to love one another just as God has loved us.

God is the author of love and He knows just what your friend needs. He will show you how to love her when she is feeling unlovable.

Surprise her. What woman doesn’t love an unexpected gift or demonstration of how valuable she is to us?

The Bible assures us in Proverbs 17:17,“A friend loves at all times.” As a three-time breast cancer survivor, I assure you there are three things that will endure through the good and bad times—faith, hope and love—and the greatest of these is love.

Did Janet's "bad days ... good days" counsel help? Or are you still struggling with what to say to someone with breast cancer? If so ...

Check out Janet’s helpful suggestions in “The Top Thirteen Things to Do or Say and NOT to Do or Say to Someone with Breast Cancer.”

Janet Thompson is a three-time breast cancer survivor, speaker, and author of the “Dear God” book series including, Dear God, They Say It’s Cancer: A Companion Guide for Women on the Breast Cancer Journey. Janet found purpose in her breast cancer journey by writing for her breast cancer sisters the book she wished she had going through her surgeries and treatment. Visit Janet on her website.

This article includes excerpts from Dear God, They Say It’s Cancer: A Companion Guide for Women on the Breast Cancer Journey.

Graphic: stuffed Hansa sheep is available on Amazon.