If You Can't Be Kind, Be Quiet

Author Deb DeArmond focuses on strengthening relationship. In this Communication UPGRADE, she suggests we check our words before they cause damage.

"Did you know each year there is a National Say Something Nice Day? It was new to me," Deb says, "and made me think of my mama. It would have made her happy."

My (Dawn's) mom knew I was a "word person." Perhaps that's why she often encouraged me to be careful how I used words. It sounds like Deb's mom was a lot like mine!

 Deb continues . . .

Mama often shared her belief that “If you can’t say something nice, say nothing at all.” It wasn’t just a slogan; she lived it every day.

I never heard her say a mean or critical word about a single person, with the exception of her second cousin Hattie, who deserved it according to Mama.

“That girl had a mean streak.”

She once bit my mother hard enough to draw blood, so I think it’s a valid observation. But with this one exception, Mom was a gentle and generous soul.

She looked for the goodness in every person and as a result, she almost always found it.

Easier said than done.

If you have family, you already know this can be tough duty. Especially in the face of what we often call at my house, “an intense moment of fellowship.”

If you overheard the discussion, you might think we’re engaged in an argument. Some may claim it’s a matter of semantics since the two are quite similar. We prefer to position it in a more friendly way.

Definition aside, when it gets heated, something nice is not always the first phrase that occurs to us or rolls off the tongue.

And the tongue is often the problem with conflict, isn’t it?

The scripture gives us that heads up:

Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way (James 3:2 NLT).

Every other way?

You mean, if I could manage my mouth, I’d also be able to resist the call of Cappuccino ice cream? Now there’s some motivation!

Over the years, I’ve become aware of the need to be more intentional, more grace-filled, when conflict arises.

God's Spirit has been persistent to point out missed opportunities, little slips, and major mishaps of the mouth.

Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit (Proverbs 15:4 NLT).

I’m working on it.

Just remember, we do have an enemy—but our friends or loved ones are not our adversary.

God expects us to speak the truth in love when we’d prefer to give someone a piece of our mind.

Making our point cannot be more important than making our Heavenly Father happy.

Today, identify an opportunity to say something nice. Find something genuine, not manufactured, and smile when you say it.

If you want to make a super-powerful positive impression—write it down. Slip a note in his pocket, the kids’ lunchbox, or tuck a card in her purse.

A discovery of a compliment or acknowledgement is a prize, and when it’s unexpected, it’s so much sweeter. It just might make your someone’s day.

And it will make your mama so proud!

Take a quick inventory

Be honest with yourself.

• How often do you walk away regretful of a harsh or unkind word you’ve spoken? What pulls you into that behavior?
• How are relationships impacted when the communication—and your best intentions—get away from you?
• Identify one strategy to remind you to be quiet if you're struggling to be kind—perhaps a simple prayer or scripture before a conversation that might be difficult.

We can't fix what we don't acknowledge. Enhance your self-awareness and use your answers to set a new course!

Proverbs 15:4 reminds us,

Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit (NLT).

If you can't be kind, be quiet.

What is the strategy you identified to remind you to be quiet if you struggle to be kind? Ask God for wisdom, and don't give up. Your relationships are worth the effort.

Deb DeArmond is the author of Related by Chance, Family by Choice, I Choose You Today, and Don’t Go to Bed Angry. Stay Up and Fight! All three books focus on relationship dynamics, communication, and conflict resolution. For more information about Deb and her ministry, visit her website.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Candid-Shots at Pixabay.

Communicate Well with that 'Irregular' Person

Kathy Collard Miller speaks well to relationships, and especially how we get along. In this Communication UPGRADE, she offers biblical insight into communication skills we all need.

“Someone has said, ‘An irregular person is anyone we don’t get along with,’” Kathy says. “But we should remember someone may be calling us their irregular person! And maybe it’s because our communication skills could improve.”

That is so true! I (Dawn) discovered that when the Lord opened my eyes about someone I thought was too direct and a bit critical in our conversations. As it turned out, I was hyper-sensitive and reactive—something I needed to change.

Kathy continues . . .

It’s easy to think negatively about someone when there is a lack of harmony between us.

“After all, if she weren’t such an irregular kind of person, she wouldn’t misunderstand me. All my other friends understand me. It must be her."

I’ve been studying the biblical book of Proverbs and communication is an important topic in that practical book. Let’s see what insights God offers us for better communication. Maybe we are more irregular than we think.

There are always skills we can learn.

1. Talk less than you think you should even if you feel defensive.

Proverbs 10:19 urges us, “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent” (ESV).

How true, how true. We all are able to hold our tongue and, at that point, things are going well.

But then we reach our limit and we try to defend ourselves with many words.

Most of the time, many words get us in big trouble.

The more we say, the less we are heard and understood. One temptation is adding points that aren’t relevant to the current topic.

“Oh, and by the way, I’ve been meaning to tell you also about how a month ago you….”

Our many words have now become more complicated and the real issue is harder to deal with.

Less is more in relationships, and especially with someone we aren’t connecting with well. Let’s ask God to help us speak less than more.

2. Keep your voice soft.

Of course such advice as “keep your voice soft” seems impossible, but it really is possible to learn. You’ll be motivated even more when you begin to see the advantages it brings.

Proverbs 15:1 tells us, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

At the time of dealing with someone who seems against us, we feel powerless. They won’t listen nor heed what we’re saying. Everything within us wants to be heard and by golly, we’ll raise our voice to make it happen.

DON'T.

It’ll be the hardest thing ever, but don’t. Instead, use the “broken record technique.” Just say the main point over again in a normal voice.

For instance, “I hear you think I said … but I really said ….” When the person raises her voice and is defensive, again repeat softly, “I hear you think I said … but I really said…” Repeat again as needed—softly!

This is extremely hard but it is possible in God’s power. As a result, you’ll see anger is less likely to be stirred up and there’s a better possibility of a positive conversation.

3. In the end, God must be the one we depend upon to protect us.

After all we’ve done, our efforts may not gain us what we want. Our “irregular” person may respond more aggressively, and we wonder what they are thinking of us. Is it even worse than before?

Our only peace must come from the truth of Proverbs 30:5: “Every word of God proves true; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him.”

Our words haven’t gained us what we wanted, but God’s Word never goes wrong. The Lord knows the truth about us and our intentions, and He will protect us according to His loving will for us.

We can trust Him.

What can I do to help communicate with the person who seems irregular to me? When my efforts don’t turn out the way I’d prefer, how can I find God as my refuge?

Kathy Collard Miller is the author of over 50 books, her most recent is No More Anger: Hope for an Out-of-Control Mom (Elk Lake Publishing, Inc.). She loves to speak at evenats and has spoken in more than 30 US states and eight foreign countries. Learn more about Kathy at www.KathyCollardMiller.com.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Pasja1000 at Pixabay.

Avengers [Please Do Not] Assemble!

Kaley Faith Rhea is a funny, faith-filled young woman with a strong voice for the Lord. In this Attitude UPGRADE, she encourages us to not repay "evil for evil."

"Want to know something the Bible goes over and over and over again? I’m not talking about love or peace or forgiveness," Kaley says. "I’m talking VENGEANCE."

Something about that word makes me (Dawn) shudder. That couldn't possibly be a Christian issue, right? Oh, yes it is. Often.

Kaley continues . . .

Don’t get me wrong. I like a good Marvel movie or book as much as the next gal. Sometimes more. Sometimes maybe too much. I might be watching Earth’s Mightiest Heroes as I write this. Who knows?

But seriously, take a look with me at what the Scripture says about revenge. It’s in there a shocking number of times.

“Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing” (1 Peter 3:9).

Well, that’s just one instance of ... Oh, wait.

“See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone” (1 Thessalonians 5:15).

Okay, so twice it’s… Hmmm.

“Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all” (Romans 12:17).

I’d almost say Scripture is beating a dead horse about the subject, but it seems like it’s actually all about blessing the dead horse and repaying the dead horse’s evil with good.

Wait, what?

Do we even struggle that much with the desire for revenge in our modern, everyday lives?

When I think of the word "vengeance," I think of blood feuds or wrathful vendettas of old. But we come across vengeance every day.

• Sometimes we call it “getting even.”
• Or making sure someone “gets what they deserve.”
• Or even “standing up for myself.”

To be clear, if someone has hurt you and remains unrepentant, it may be very necessary to place boundaries on that relationship. And if you are in an abusive situation, do not let anyone tell you you have an obligation to remain there.

But I’m talking about that very human, very dark instinct that is able to rationalize and even righteous-ize the thinking for slights big and small:

“I am hurt. And in my anger, all I want is for you to hurt too.”

Paul wrote,

“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’ To the contrary, ‘if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:18-21).

• Seeking to get even robs you of your peace.
• It reveals a lack of trust in the Lord.
• It obliterates an opportunity to show the love of Christ.

Did you notice the part where it says “If possible, so far as it depends on you”? It won’t always be possible to live peaceably with everyone.

Where there is sin, you may be called to lovingly confront. Whether that person responds peacefully or with the same kind of love is up to them. But, beloved, “never avenge yourselves.”

If this seems impossible, well, it is. This is something we need to ask Jesus to do in and through us. Every day. Every time a car cuts us off or a coworker whispers behind our backs.

Let Jesus be your example and your strength. That way, as He works in you and through you to take a bad situation and do something good, God gets all the glory.

“For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:21-23).

So by all means, dress like Thor or Wasp or Ms. Marvel or any of the other Avengers for your costume parties this year. But when you do, use the opportunity as a reminder for your heart that the One we really want to look most like is Jesus.

When are you tempted to seek revenge? Which of the three everyday examples of "revenge" do you struggle with most?

Kaley Faith Rhea is a co-author of the Christian rom-com novel, Turtles in the Road, with two more books in the works to release in 2018. She also co-hosts the TV show, That’s My Mom, for Christian Television Network’s KNLJ in mid-Missouri. Kaley lives in the St. Louis area.

Article adapted from the Bible study companion to Turtles in the Road.

Graphic adapted, Open clip art vector courtesy of Pixabay.

"Even Though"—How to Upgrade Angry Reactions

Kolleen Lucariello's desire is to help people embrace their identity in Christ in practical ways. In this Attitude UPGRADE, she deals with anger and how our relationship with the Lord can change our responses.

"Don’t Get Mad, Get Even. This thought randomly ran through my mind,” Kolleen says, “as Pat and I traveled south down the Interstate in early January.

I (Dawn) was just cut off on a San Diego highway as a man quickly moved from one lane— across mine—to rush toward an off-ramp, putting several cars in danger. I panicked, and oh yes, I got that sudden angry response. Kolleen has a insight for us about how to deal with life's tough circumstances with a more scriptural response.

Kolleen continues . . .

Our GPS was programmed to guide us straight to the driveway of our son and daughter-in-law’s home, and I had just witnessed one more incidence of road rage on the highway (and my husband was not involved!).

We’ve observed some pretty scary moments during our travel time when angry drivers decide they wouldn’t get mad—they’d get even— behind the wheel of a vehicle.

I was surprised a few days later when this same thought crossed MY mind as I felt my mad inside begin to rise. Don’t get mad, get even.

It’s been quite a few years since that’s been my motto for getting through life. Yet, over the next few days, the slightest irritation brought this phrase to mind.

I began to notice how effortlessly it is for some to quickly move into the get even lane.

But why had I?

Where was this sudden urge to get even for every offense coming from?

• Did I have suppressed anger?
• Was the constant chatter on social media making me hostile?
• Hormones, maybe?

I decided it was time to pray and ask God to fill me in.  That’s when one word was added to the statement.

Though.

Now, the sentence running through my mind was, don’t get mad, get even… though. With an emphasis on even though.

Just a few days later I read this, “The Lord was with Joseph, and he [even though a slave] became a successful and prosperous man; and he was in the house of his master, the Egyptian” (Genesis 39:2, AMP).

There it was, even though, and along with it, came my answer.

You upgrade your reaction when you:

1. Trust God is with you, even though you’re distressed, full of anguish and your cry seems unheard.

His very own brothers had sold Joseph into slavery. Can you imagine?  They saw the distress and anguish as Joseph pleaded for them to let him go but, the Amplified Bible says, they “would not listen to his cry” and he found himself a slave in another country (Genesis 42:21).

All betrayal is rough, but betrayal by a spouse, sibling, parent or the closest of friends strikes a devastating blow.

Betrayal inflicts such intense anguish and distress, you may wonder how you will ever survive. We can become slaves to the pain as we find ourselves wandering in a strange, unknown and unwanted land, where cries for mercy go unheard.

But just as God was with Joseph, even though he found himself in Egypt, He is with us in our even though land too.

2. Trust God is able to prosper you and bring you success, even though your circumstances are not what you dreamed.

Remember Joseph’s dreams? Sheaves bowed down to him. Evidently, he was able to move on from the delay of the dream. He excelled in everything that he did even though he was a slave; and because the Lord was always with him, he found success and prosperity.

I’m certain Joseph never imagined he’d find himself a slave in Egypt. He’s the perfect example for us of someone living out Colossians 3: 23-24:

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving” (NIV).

The Lord is with those who protect their attitude even though the work might not be exactly what we dreamed.

3. Trust God’s purposes even though we may not understand them at the time.

Something I find remarkable in the story of Joseph is this: not once is there any mention of Joseph plotting in his heart how to get even with anyone who betrayed him—not his brothers, Potiphar’s wife, nor the chief cupbearer who failed to follow through on his promise to remember Joseph when he was released from prison. Not even Potiphar for assuming the worst and never seeking to hear his side of the story. Not once.

Instead, he saw God in the even though when he stood face to face with his brothers and recognized that even though they intended evil towards him, God’s intended purpose was for good.

Rather than living by the don’t get mad, get even motto, add the word though as a reminder of how God can bless us in our even though moments.

Are you going through something right now that tempts you to get even? How can the truth of “even though” help you upgrade your reaction?

Kolleen Lucariello, #TheABCGirl, is the author of the devotional book, The ABC’s of Who God Says I Am. Kolleen and her high school sweetheart, Pat, reside in Central New York. She’s a mother of three married children and Mimi to four incredible grandkids. She desires to help others find their identity in Christ, one letter at a time. Connect with Kolleen here.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Megapixelstock, Stocksnap.io.

Why Do I Do What I Do Wrong?

Kathy Collard Miller is an author and speaker who encourages women to apply practical principles from the Word of God. In this Attitude UPGRADE, she explores some ways to find the underlying causes of destructive responses.

We’ve all said things like, “He makes me feel…” or “I feel bad when she does that.” But the truth is we are responsible for our own choices," Kathy says. "Putting that into practice can actually diminish unwise choices."

I (Dawn) think that is fascinating because so many people think they can grit their teeth and swear to never respond hurtfully again. I've done this—haven't you? Kathy's insights help us consider the "why" behind our responses.

She continues . . .

It’s easy to blame a person or circumstance for the way we’re acting, but the truth is our wrong reactions have a long history.

It’s true for all of us. We see the pain we cause others or even ourselves, and it seems like we should just grab God’s power and never do it again. But there are reasons for our continuing ungodly choices.

Here’s how to discover and correct the underlying causes.

 1. Look to the past to see the beginning.

When painful things happen to us as children, we blame ourselves. We “hear” a message that somehow “I’m the cause. I must be hopeless, unloveable, incapable," etc.

When I was molested as an eight-year-old, I felt like a shameful little girl who should have prevented it from happening:

“I better act perfectly to hide my dirtiness.”

Of course those were lies, but I believed them.

Anytime someone implied I should do a better job at something, I became angry— blaming them; I didn’t want to be exposed as imperfect.

As an adult, by seeing the lies I was believing, I replaced it with God’s truth:

I wasn’t responsible for the abuse, and God loves me even though I’m imperfect.

Author Mike Wilkerson writes, “It’s not our raw experiences that determine our lives but the meaning we make of them—the stories we tell and the stories we believe.”

2. Look to the present to see the threat.

Every time we react sinfully (anger, contempt, procrastination, passive/aggressive, etc.) we feel like someone or something is threatening our good self-image, our comfort, our finances—anything we value.

Many times what we value become “idols.” We “worship” those rather than looking to God to define, comfort, or provide for us.

James wrote, “Instead you ought to say, ‘If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.’ As it is you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil” (4:15-16).

The most difficult thing is surrendering to however God allows people to treat us or circumstances to assail us.

That doesn’t mean we never share our opinions or take action. But instead of automatically reacting, we must seek God first. Just because it seems “natural” to respond our usual way, we may not be reacting “supernaturally” in God’s power. Blaming, worry, defensiveness and other ungodly reactions seem to protect us but don’t bring glory to God or fulfill His will.

3. Look to God’s perspective of the person or situation.

When we overreact, we take other people’s actions personally. We feel like we’re back to being blamed, labeled or attacked like we were as children.

But most of the time, that person is just trying to protect themselves. It’s not about us, it’s about their insecurity or lack of trust in God.

And any difficult circumstances is God’s gift of transforming us, not to destroy us. Instead of fighting off the “threat,” we can look through God’s eyes of love and grace.

One perspective is to have “godly sorrow.” Godly sorrow sees another person’s attack as hurting them, not us.

The Apostle Paul wrote, “I am speaking the truth in Christ—I am not lying; my conscience bears me witness in the Holy Spirit—that I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart. For I could wish that I myself were accursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers, my kinsmen according to the flesh.” (Romans 9:1-3 ESV).

Can you imagine that kind of surrender?

Paul didn’t take their attacks personally; he wanted the best for them.

God can empower us to have that kind of reaction. We can be gracious as we speak the truth in love.

Which of those three insights would you like to concentrate on so that your “natural” reactions can turn into “supernatural” reactions?

Kathy Collard Miller loves to help women trust God more through her 50 books and her speaking in over 30 states and 8 foreign countries. Visit her website/blog and discover more about her speaking ministry here. Kathy has authored many magazine articles and more than 50 books, including Partly Cloudy with Scattered Worries and her newest book Choices of the Heart, a Bible study, available here. The insights in this blog are based on her book Never Ever Be the Same: A New You Starts Today found here.

Graphic: courtesy of PourquoiPas, Pixabay.