Still 'Smitten' over Your Husband? (Part 2)

In Part 1 of this Marriage UPGRADE post on cultivating a better marriage relationship, Dawn reminded us of the "smitten" love newlyweds have, something that is often lost in the years to follow.

"It's not a matter of becoming crazy and irresponsible, but rather, learning to appreciate and grow with the one God has so graciously given us," Dawn says. "It's about building on and strengthening attraction, not letting it wane."

Dawn continues with Part 2 . . .

I love to watch elderly couples who are so obviously in love.

It's not something that just happens. They have to build on that early "smitten" love and make the bonds of attraction even stronger.

I'm not a marriage expert, but here are my top 5 Suggestions to Build on the "smitten" part of your marriage:

1. Build Communication

• Share your appreciation.
• Be transparent and communicate what's on your heart; something more than family business.
• Focus in on your spouse instead of your "next sentence." Graciously take turns speaking.
• LISTEN.
• Don't expect your spouse to read your mind. Your spouse can't act on a request never made.
• Ask God to see something fresh in your spouse as you "dig a little deeper" in conversation.
• Use your tongue wisely (James 3:6). Ask: "Would I want my spouse to talk to me this way?" You may need to adapt or change not only your words, but your tone of voice and body language.
• Be quick to say, "I love you!" and to follow through in ways that show you mean it.
• Dream together. Talk about plans for your future together.

2. Build Grace

• Learn to be a good, quick "forgiver" (Colossians 3:13). Keep short accounts with each other. Forgive as Christ has forgiven you — and in case you need a reminder, that's a LOT!
• Deal with your own bitter or angry attitudes right away (Ephesians 4:31-32).
• Be quick to say, "Please forgive me; I was wrong."
• Own your own issues. Don't project them onto your spouse.
• Think about your spoken and unspoken expectations ... and give them to the Lord.
• Judging belongs in a courtroom, not a marriage. "I'm sorry you feel that way; can we talk about it?" is always better than a pointed accusation.
• Let love and grace rein.

3. Build Selflessness

• Think service, not selfishness. We're already called to serve the Lord (Galatians 5:13) and this should carry over into serving others (Mark 10:43).
• Try putting your spouses's needs above your own and watch that kindness blossom (Philippians 2:4).
• Consider ways you can help your spouse shine in public.

4. Build Fun

• Yes, it really is OK to laugh together. Remember how you did that when you dated? As newlyweds? Even when those crazy kids came along? Laughter cushions many of the bumps in marriage. Ask God for a joyful heart (Proverbs 17:22).
• Be quick to say "yes" when your spouse offers time together. What you allow in your schedule indicates your priorities. Is everything else (work, housework, volunteering, children, etc.) more important than your husband?
• Learn how to relax together. To rest. It's important to peace in your relationship and home. All work and no play can be a recipe for disintegration.
• ENJOY each other in as many ways as you can: emotionally, mentally, spiritually, socially and yes, physically.

5. Build Strength.

I probably should have put this one first, because it's a core building block.

Spiritual intimacy can be the glue on days when you feel like life is falling apart.

• Plan ways to grow spiritually together.
   - Pray together, if your spouse will agree to do so.
   - Seek God's will together in the Word. 
   - Worship together.
   - (NOTE: If your spouse will not participate, that shouldn't stop you from praying, seeking and worshiping the Lord. God honors those who honor Him.)
• Commit to each other every day; never letting the word "divorce" move from your thoughts to your lips. In fact, give those destructive thoughts immediately to the Lord and align your thinking with scripture.)
• "Think on" and talk about the things that will make your marriage stronger (Philippians 4:8).

I encourage you to return—eyes wide open and wiser—to "smitten." Give it more effort, and give it time, but start today! Plan now to be one of those elderly couples who still enjoy that special "smitten" relationship.

Ask the Lord to help you be STRONGLY ATTRACTED to your spouse.

Which of these 5 "Smitten" builders might help you build this stronger bond today?

Dawn Wilson, founder of Heart Choices Today and Upgrade with Dawn, is a contracted researcher for Revive Our Hearts. She and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

Graphic of senior couple: courtesy of Morguefile.

Still 'Smitten' over Your Husband? (Part 1)

In this two-part Marriage UPGRADE, Dawn reminds us we need to cultivate attraction in a marriage relationship if we want to see it grow.

Some time ago, I read this funny statement: "When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's cute. I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date!" *

That made me laugh, but it also made me think about all those love-smitten couples who carved. (Not that it's the healthiest thing for a tree, but it was likely healthy for the couples' relationship.)

If you are married (and if you are not, think about a married couple you know), you might remember two people staring deep into each other's eyes, transfixed by the glorious creature in front of them — clearly "gaga" over each other.

Maybe they actually did carve their initials in a heart on a tree trunk. Maybe she wrote her name over and over on a piece of paper, with the word "Mrs." in front of her name. Maybe he daydreamed about her all day. Maybe they had trouble thinking at work, eager for the next date together.

Smitten!

One meaning of the word "smitten" is "to be strongly attracted to someone or something." Yes, it certainly does appear to be so in nearly-weds and newlyweds who are so totally wrapped up in each other to the point they see no one else! Their excitement is over the top. They're smitten to the point of distraction.

And isn't it fun to watch them?

I'm glad I can see that wild enthusiasm and crazy infatuation in some couples married for 50 years and beyond! I know more than one couple in their 70s and 80s who still hold hands ... still smile at each other with delight ... still praise each other in public ... still send each other love notes ... still are totally engaged and attracted by their spouse ... smitten.

Some say, "That's so sweet."

I'd add, "That's so important!"

I'm always sad when people tell newlyweds, "with time, reality sets in."

That's how it's portrayed, right? When we face the tough things in marriage, or simply as the years pass,  "reality" sets in and we no longer feel smitten. We think in terms of "comfortable and coping." 

Now there's nothing wrong with those descriptions of married love, and believe me, I'm not suggesting we become irresponsible kids. "Comfortable and coping" are great! Marriage should bring maturity and wisdom through the years, and a deepening sense of commitment, mutual yielding, service and even sacrifice.

But let's not lose this "smitten" thing entirely. Let's make it part of our reality.

Let me explain.

I think we have an example of "smitten" love in the Bible. We observe the blossoming of pure love in the Song of Songs as the king is fixated, charmed by his beloved. We hear the young Shulammite Bride's lovesick responses. While there are so many themes we could consider in this short story, it's not hard to see how smitten this couple was. Their sweet, passionately-expressed love was perfectly wholesome and good.

"Behold, how beautiful you are, my darling ...." (Song of Songs 1:15)

"Behold, how fair and handsome you are, my beloved; and so delightful!" (Song of Songs 1:16)

(A passing thought ... had Solomon continued to pursue his beloved one with such head-over-heels passion, maybe he wouldn't have added those other wives. Or maybe the Shulammite lost her feelings of being smitten. It works both ways.)

Yes, we begin to see the "warts" in our Beloved some time after the honeymoon, but those weaknesses can be viewed differently as we see them through the filter of God's love and choose to leave any "spousal project management" to the Father's wisdom.

True love doesn't ignore the weaknesses in the one loved. It simply chooses to value the loved one highly and appreciate—with grace and hope—the magnificent and beautiful gift God gave us.

Love sees what's there, but also sees the potential "in Christ."

One of my favorite work projects while working with a revival ministry was collaborating with a team of godly people to create the "30-Day Husband Encouragement Challenge." It was designed to help women speak positively to and about their husbands every day for a month, and to watch the Lord work.

I must confess, as I worked on the project, I became painfully aware of something: encouraging my husband wasn't my normal habit. At that time, my marriage was good, but not great. I'd lost that "smitten" feeling. Somehow the attraction had weakened. I didn't think this was God's plan, and looking back, there were many reasons (not excuses) for the decline.

Day Ten of the challenge was expecially convicting:

"... when we spend time criticizing our husbands, we lose time that could be spent admiring and remembering why we chose that person in the first place!"

At that moment, the "teacher" became the student. Since working on that project, I've been through the challenge several times and have grown spiritually and in my marriage each time. And you know what?

"Smitten" returned.

I found myself freshly transfixed on and attracted to my man — his character, thoughts, attitudes, integrity, responsibility, talents, kindness and more. I prayed with new insight, "I'm so grateful, Lord, you brought Bob and I together."

I discovered something unexpected too:

When I'm thoroughly and gloriously "smitten," there's greater potential my hubby will become more "smitten" too.

Funny how that works. I'm thankful my husband responded in sweet and strong ways.

But even if my husband never responded the way I'd hoped, I still believed:

Cultivating love and appreciation toward my spouse brings glory to God.

It's true, because I'm learning how to express appreciation for someone my Father created just for me, and that gratitude is one way to praise HIM!

In PART TWO of this post, I'll share my top 5 Suggestions to Build on the "Smitten" Part of Your Marriage.

What do you think "smitten" looks like in newly-marrieds? Why do you think it so often decline? What can you do to encourage being freshly attracted to your spouse?

Dawn Wilson, founder of Heart Choices Today and Upgrade with Dawn, is a contracted researcher for Revive Our Hearts. She and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

* Humor from Cybersalt Digest, One Liner #0923, Issue #3956, 8-2-13

Graphic: "The Carvings Tree" - from The Washington Post on Pinterest (original link unknown at this time).

Bless Your Spouse with Some Guilt-free Time

Kathi Lipp is a project-oriented gal with a lot of wisdom, whether she’s speaking and writing about marriage, personal development or a host of other things. In this Marriage UPGRADE, she encourages us to reconsider our spouse’s “just got home” need.

“When Roger and I got married, we each contributed two teenagers to the mix; but I came with the bonus – Zorro, the cat with attitude,” Kathi said. “Zorro’s main challenge in life is that he doesn’t get along – with anyone.”

What’s a cat got to do with marriage? I (Dawn) wondered. Turns out, a lot. At least for Kathi and Roger!

Kathi continues . . .

Zorro was condemned to a James Dean existence – a “live fast, die young, and leave a trail of wounded kitties in your dust” kind of legacy. That is, until I met Roger.

Roger is not a cat lover.

Roger and Zorro became roommates by default, and neither of their lives has been the same since. You see, Zorro is in love with Roger. My cat’s favorite part of every day is when Roger comes to that front door.

Zorro’s whole goal is to get Roger upstairs and lying down on her bed so they can catch a 15-minute nap together.

It really is a little weird.

But what Zorro figured out long before I did was that Roger needs that quick lie-down to transition from work to home. While I know my husband could do without the cat in his “catnap,” that crazy kitty helped us discover a great transitional routine that leads to a relaxed Roger.

I do my best to protect Roger and his 15-30 minutes. I make it a priority for him to transition. And he does the same for me. While my time doesn’t involve snuggling with the cat, I usually need something from Roger. Once he’s had a few minutes to decompress and wind down, my husband is so much more equipped to meet my needs.

In most homes, I know it’s a tense standoff where everyone is working hard and all the adults are tired at the end of a very long day. This is where it’s critical to put our spouse’s needs above our own.

It’s imperative to not just focus on how stressful our day has been, but to imagine what our partner has gone through in his or her day.

Have you ever been in a conversation with one-upman? You know the type. It doesn’t matter how bad your day was, this person’s day was just a little bit worse. If you stub your toe, he broke his. If your husband barbecued, her husband went out and slaughtered the cow.

Let’s leave the martyr at the door.

That’s one of the benefits of being married – having a soft place to land at the end of a long day. But in order for that to happen, I must be willing to lay down some of my rights and expectations so I can be that soft place for my spouse.

Romans 12:3 says:

"For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.”

We need to recognize that whatever role God has called us to, our spouse has a role as well – just as important, just as needed in the body of Christ. And at the end of the day, much is required from each of us.

The surest way to bring peace to everyone in the household is to give just a little by putting the other person’s needs in front of our own. How?

Get creative!

1. Ask your spouse what he or she needs.  

Asking what your partner needs will avoid the counterproductive situation of assuming what is restful and rejuvenating to you is the same thing your spouse is dreaming of.

2. Sometimes quiet is not what your love is hoping for. Maybe he wants some uninterrupted time, just with you. Be sure to ask.

3. Are you home with the kids when your mate gets home? If it won’t interrupt nap or dinner routines, what about taking the kids with you to run some simple errands and give your spouse some quiet time?

4. Don’t be offended if your mate does enjoy a little quiet reprieve; it’s not about getting away from you. Promise.

How can you bless your husband with 30 minutes of guilt-free time today?

Article adapted from Happy Habits for Every Couple by Kathi Lipp (Harvest House Publishers).

Kathi Lipp is the author of 13 books, including Clutter Free: The Get Yourself Organized Project, Happy Habits for Every Couple, and I Need Some Help Here: Hope for When Your Kids Don’t Go According to Plan. She’s the host of “You’ve Got This! With Kathi Lipp. She is a well-respected national conference speaker and has been featured on Focus on the Family, POPS International, Crosswalk.com and Nickelodeon TV’s Parent Connect. Kathi and her husband Roger are the parents of four young adults in San Jose, California. More about Kathi here and on her blog.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of gustavobelemmi, morguefile.

Thugs Are Trying to Kill Your Marriage

Dianne Barker INVESTS her live in women, encouraging them in their lives and families and teaching them how to live an abundant life. In this Marriage UPGRADE, she points out some nasty "thugs" trying to destroy our marriages!

"Watch out!" she says. "Snares, Tares, and Tumbleweeds are out to kill your marriage!"

Snares, tares and tumbleweeds? I (Dawn) wonder what she means? She certainly got my attention.

Dianne continues . . .

Who ARE those thugs?

Stress ... wearing many disguises.

And if you’re not careful, they’ll bludgeon your marriage to death.

Let’s remove the masks and see who’s there.

1. SNARES

Snares are things that entangle us or impede our progress—daily-living stuff that keeps us distracted.

(1) Job pressures.

When both husband and wife have high-stress careers, the pressure doubles—project overload and deadlines, continued training, personality conflicts in the office, irresponsibility or jealousy of co-workers, irritability when overlooked for promotion, indecision about changing jobs, hassles of a job search and moving to a new location. And don’t forget the stress of getting fired or laid off due to downsizing.

Physical and mental exhaustion come home from work with you, sit at your dinner table, and accompany you to bed.

(2) Financial pressure.

Living within our means may be an out-of-date concept. We don’t have to do that anymore, thanks to the availability of credit cards.

Overspending catapults us into deep water before we can say “credit score.”

When that bulging budget cannot be balanced, distress and dissension cast a permeating gloom over your home and family.

(3) Outside relationships.

Relationships with other people affect the marriage. When we’re angry or distracted over a disagreement or misunderstanding with someone else—boss, co-worker, neighbor, relative, child’s teacher, friend—we become preoccupied and irritable. And if your mother-in-law provokes you, those feelings of annoyance can spill over to your husband. He’s just like his mother!

Anger and resentment, like a contagious disease, ­­infect all who come in contact with you.

(4) Special circumstances.

Care-giving is inevitable in the later years of marriage. Elderly parents decline in health. Couples are stretched to the limit, trying to maintain normal life with added responsibility, possibly while dealing with health issues themselves. Many also find themselves rearing grandchildren.

There isn’t enough energy to go around…and the marriage becomes the sacrifice.

2. TARES

Tares are the work of our unseen Enemy whose goal is to destroy us, using every tactic he can come up with.

His favorite tools include misunderstanding, weariness, and negative thinking.  

3. TUMBLEWEEDS

Tumbleweeds are children, rooted in our family briefly then whisked by the wind to distant places. With immeasurable love, we pour out our lives for them.

Stress during their young years—teaching obedience and refereeing sibling spats—doesn’t compare with the stress of parenting teenagers. Be aware of the power of peer influence.

Stand firm, parents, or the kids will divide you.

Are snares, tares, and tumbleweeds weakening your marriage foundation and boosting your stress load to infinity-plus?

Don’t give up on the marriage. Evaluate. Eliminate the stress you can eliminate. Simplify. Do less. Say no.

Begin paring down your stress to what seems a manageable level. And then hand it to Jesus because you’re not able to manage it at any level.

He said, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for our souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30).

He can handle those thugs!

A final question: How are you dealing with stress in all its disguises?

Dianne Barker is a speaker, radio host and author of 11 books, including the best-selling Twice Pardoned and award-winning I Don’t Chase the Garbage TruckDown the Street in My Bathrobe Anymore! Organizing for the Maximum Life. She’s a member of Advanced Writers and Speakers Association, Christian Authors Network, and Christian Women in Media. 

(Post adapted from Help! I’m Stuck and I Can’t Get Out! The Maximum Marriage Maintenance and Repair Kit, available soon at www.diannebarker.com.)

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Pixabay.com.

8 Myths for Why Relationships Fail - Part 2

In Part 2 of this Relationship UPGRADE, Laura Petherbridge asks us to explore the last four myths for why relationships fail.

You might want to remember and consider what Laura said in Part 1: There are “hidden booby traps that often go undetected until the relationship dies.”

I (Dawn) don’t think any wise person wants his/her marriage to die. We want to expose those booby traps so we can work on the relationship! I still remember the day I realized I was believing Myth #6 (below) in my own marriage! I had to confront it and change … and in turn, it strengthened our marriage.

So let’s continue with Laura in Part 2 . . .

Myth #5: Pornography Will Not Harm My Marriage.

If I plopped a few drops of Clorox bleach into your morning coffee would you drink it? Likely not.

That’s how pornography affects the precious sweetness of the sexual union between a husband and a wife. It’s toxic and deadly.

It’s adultery. Period.

“My wounds fester and stink because of my foolish sins” (Psalm 38: 5 NLT).

Myth #6: It’s My Spouse’s Job to Meet My Needs.

When we expect a human to meet a need that can only God can fill, we are headed for disappointment and trouble. It is neither feasible nor wise to expect a spouse to meet all of my needs.

God is the only one up for the task. He intentionally created us to seek our significance and purpose through Him alone. He is our source.

“For in him we live and move and have our being” (Acts 17:28a NIV).

Myth #7: Keeping Secrets from My Spouse Will Not Harm My Marriage.

Can your spouse look at your phone, computer, DVDs, gas mileage, receipts, credit card bill, closet, calendar or hiding spot at any time? If the answer is no, the immediate question is, “why not”? If the answer is because he/she is a manipulative bully and dictates your every move, than you have a different problem. But if it’s because you don’t want to be held accountable—that’s deception.

And lies destroy relationships.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” John 10:10 (NIV).

Myth #8: Divorce Does Not Happen to Good Christians.

I cringe when I hear a sermon where the pastor/speaker states that the way to keep a marriage alive is by “removing the word divorce from your vocabulary.”

Why? I have proof it’s untrue.

I removed the word divorce from my vocabulary. My former husband did not. I ended up ambushed by divorce.

The implication is a marriage will stay intact if a spouse decides to keep their vow. That’s incorrect because marriage involves two people. And it takes two people to get married, but only one person to divorce.

The phrase sets us up for failure because it implies you can control the actions and decisions of your spouse.

I hate divorce and desperately wanted my marriage to succeed.

And yet it didn’t.

Church attendance, Bible reading, salvation, prayer and reciting “I’ll never get divorced” do not automatically inoculate a spouse from divorce. Almost every person I’ve ministered to in divorce recovery said to me, “I can’t believe it. How did this happen? I never dreamed I’d be divorced.”

A wise Christian continuously works on strengthening his/her marriage, allows accountability, and discovers areas of weakness.

He/she fervently prays, learns, reads and grows as a spouse. All the while understanding, “The desire of my heart is to please God and be a steadfast, respectful compassionate and loving mate. I pray my spouse will do the same. God is in charge of controlling those things in my spouse. I can’t control the actions of another person.”

“Foolish dreamers live in a world of illusion; wise realists plant their feet on the ground” (Proverbs 14:18 MSG).

The reality is that marriage is not nearly as much about finding the right person as it is becoming the right person.

Do you see elements of the last four myths in your own marriage? What can you do today to improve your marriage? Do you have a wise, godly counselor who can help you work through tough issues? You don’t have to go through a difficult marriage alone.

Laura Petherbridge is an international author and speaker who serves couples and single adults with topics on singles, relationships, divorce prevention, stepfamilies and divorce recovery. She is the author of When “I Do” Becomes “I Don’t”—Practical Steps for Healing During Separation and Divorce; The Smart Stepmom—co-authored with Ron Deal; 101 Tips for the Smart Stepmom; and Quiet Moments for the Stepmom Soul. Visit Laura’s website, The Smart Stepmom.

Graphic adapted, image courtesy of stocksnapio.