Are You Exposing Shame or Covering Blame?

Kolleen Lucariello encourages women to live in freedom and grace, shedding harmful and false thinking and behavior. In this Attitude and Relationships UPGRADE, she invites us to examine a sinful practice: shaming others.

“Early one Saturday morning,” Kolleen said, “my hubby, Pat and I sat on the sidelines of a soccer field spectating our four-year-old grandson’s game; we also, inadvertently, became spectators to a heated exchange between a father and his daughter.”

Having attended many sports events, I (Dawn) know the “heated” conversations that can arise when people get caught up in the emotions of the moment, but Kolleen writes about an attitude that isn’t limited to athletic events!

Kolleen continues…

This wasn’t a father and his toddler, nor was it his teenage daughter. This was a father and his adult daughter.

The tension arose after the father suggested his daughter put a hat on the baby to prevent sun exposure. One comment, a few sarcastic jabs, and suddenly words of accusation were flowing freely from the daughter’s mouth as she began to list, in detail, all that she could remember of his own parenting failures.

As resentment seethed from her lips, my eyes scanned each family member who sat on the blanket: his wife—her mother—who sat head hung in silence; and the angry daughter’s sibling who nervously tried to end the outburst. The young children who quietly played but every few minutes stopped to watch. And listen. And then the father whose daughter was now broadcasting his past transgressions at a community event; a daughter I surmised was in desperate need of healing.

I tried not to stare.

But catching a glimpse of each person’s face, I prayed for each one. Eventually, words ceased and my attention turned back to the soccer game. But one question consumed my thoughts:

Does anyone deserve to be humiliated and publicly shamed?

I knew the answer.

You upgrade your life when you:

1. Use restraint! Learn to pause and pray before you vent-away.

In the days following—as I continued to marvel at the daughter’s freedom of expression—I observed similar non-verbal outbursts. We seem to allow ourselves the freedom to vent everything to the public, quickly and unguarded, through social media.

Heat-of-the-moment emotions can lead us to forget what Jesus said: “If a brother sins against you, go to him PRIVATELY and confront him with his fault” (Matthew 18:15, TLB).

Privately just seems difficult these days, don’t you think?

A wounded heart tempts us to justify our right to express ourselves without restraint.

Without taking a moment to pause, we allow our fingertips freedom on a keyboard to share intimate details with little thought of the impact to others.

We must learn to pause! It’s easy to sit behind a faceless computer and vent; but at the field that day, I saw the faces.

2. Remember people aren’t pawns. Don’t help the crowd gather stones.

I imagine there was nothing to hide behind for the woman who was yanked from the bed, hauled through the streets and thrown into the Temple after being caught “in the very act of adultery” and forced to “stand in the center of the court” (John 8:4).

I’ve often wondered if the Scribes and Pharisees allowed her to grab a covering. Was it only her sin and shame exposed? Do you think they did? After all, their mission was to relieve the pressure Jesus put on them by finding grounds to accuse Him (vs.6). She was just a pawn in their test.

Can we learn to fight the urge to release our pressure by accusing others publicly? People were never meant to be pawns.

Can you visualize her standing alone—in fear and shame—as a crowd gathered, stones in hand? That is, until Jesus knelt down in the sand and said, “He who is without [any] sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her” (8:7, AMP).

Do you suppose we are exposing others to the stones of the crowd when we uncover their deeds to the public?

3. Choose to cover blame rather than exposing shame.

Maybe Peter had her story in mind when he wrote, “Above all, have fervent and unfailing love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins [it overlooks unkindness and unselfishly seeks the best for others]” (1 Peter 4:1, AMP).

When others exposed her, Jesus used love to cover her.

May we choose to extend the same mercy Jesus offered the shame-filled adulteress when our feelings tempt us to expose.

Remember: there is no law against self-control (Galatians 5:23).

Who can you cover today with love?

Kolleen Lucariello, #TheABCGirl, is the author of the devotional book, The ABC’s of Who God Says I Am. Kolleen and her high school sweetheart, Pat, reside in Central New York. She’s a mother of three married children and Mimi to four incredible grandkids. For more information about Kolleen, visit her website.

When Hubby's Quirks Annoy You

In Pam Farrel’s book, 52 Ways to Wow Your Husband, she tells women “how to make this year the best year of your man’s life.” Pam and her husband are relationship specialists, and they freely share how they apply marriage principles as a couple.

“My husband, Bill, loves his coffee,” Pam says, “But along with Bill’s love of coffee, he also has a habit that could be very annoying—that is his aversion to get the coffee mugs into the dishwasher.”

I think every wife has a “this really bugs me” issue in marriage, whether it’s laundry that doesn’t make it to the basket, dishes that don’t make it to the kitchen sink, or something as simple as the way toilet paper hangs. Pam offers two creative ways to get past the annoyances and Upgrade our marriages—but I think it’s also good advice for any relationship!

She continues …

I find coffee cups every place imaginable: in the garage, in the car, in the truck, in the closet, on the sidewalk, on the deck and patio, in the shop, in the office, on the stairwell, in the bathroom—you name it, and I have likely found a coffee cup there.

It is a good thing that we are authors and speakers, because we love collecting the coffee mugs from all the churches we speak at and all the TV and radio shows we appear on—and we need every one of them!

How did I handle the mugs issue? I am not a coffee drinker really. I might drink a non-fat latte, but for the most part coffee makes my heart race, and I prefer that only Bill makes my heart skip a beat! Bill says that I am naturally caffeinated by God and it takes Bill drinking three cups of coffee just to keep up with my energy.

On the other hand, Bill has an internal homing device that helps him spot a Starbucks green awning! 

Two choices you can make when something annoys you about your mate:

(1) Appreciate the Difference. Coffee is a part of what makes Bill—well, Bill! One day, as we were preparing to move homes, I was doing that “last load of dishes” and I realized it was composed of all coffee mugs! Forty-seven of them to be exact!

It made me smile because years ago, I decided to pray for Bill every time I saw one of his empty, displaced mugs.

I was seeking to apply the principle, “love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).

I have embraced the ever-reappearing dirty coffee mug with fond affection, because it reminds me of my hard workin’ man who requires caffeine to do all the wonderful acts of service that benefit so many, including me.

2. Celebrate the Difference! For Bill’s 50^th birthday we celebrated by having Bill select, then roast, his own brand of coffee. It took one afternoon to visit a coffee farm, select the beans, roast it to perfection, then design the label. I knew I had a winning date as he sat, lingered a moment to savor the aroma of his Farrel Family blend of Mountain Thunder Vienna roast. He took a sip, then I watched a big grin appear on my husband’s well-caffeinated soul. 

The prayer I hope every woman prays is this:  God, if anyone I love has something that is driving me crazy, help me look for the upside—the flipside of that thing—so I see my family and friends closer to how you see them. Help me desire to bless them. Give me creative ways to express my love when I am irritated. Amen. 

Today, take that thing that is driving you crazy about your husband (sibling, parent, roommate, co-worker) and after praying for that person, look for a way to celebrate him (her).

And if you are married, step out and create a date to WOW him!

Put yourself in your husband’s shoes. How would you want your husband to treat you when some habit, quirk or personality trait is bugging him?

Pam Farrel, along with her husband Bill, speak internationally and are authors of more than 35 books including best-selling Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti, Woman of Influence, 10 Best Decisions a Woman Can Make, 10 Secrets to Living Smart, Savvy and Strong, 52 Ways to Wow Your Husband and her newest, Becoming a Brave New Woman. Married 33 years, the Farrels are relationship specialists who help people become “Love-Wise.” These San Diegans are parents to three children—two married sons—and three grandchildren.