Know the Marriage Code?

Pam Farrel knows how to encourage women (and her husband likewise encourages men). In this Marriage UPGRADE, Pam explains the "marriage code," and how understanding and applying it can transform marriage relationships.

"Codes are all around us and you need one to access just about everything that is important or sensitive," Pam says. "So, what is 'the marriage code'?"

I (Dawn) learned about this code—though I didn't call it that—at the beginning of my marriage. I can testify that the code God designed is a blessing, because it provides a healthy framework and perspective on this vital relationship.

Pam continues . . .  

What are the keys that unlock the potential in your love? They are found in Ephesians 5:33:

… each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Did you notice different commands are given to the husband and the wife?

The obvious question is, “Why?”

Why not just give general instructions that apply to both husbands and wives?

In our book, The Marriage Code, we point out there are diverse passwords that grant you access to the best parts of your relationship.

When this code is in place, your relationship appears to be relatively easy. The way you interact, love, argue, and make decisions is satisfying for you as a couple.

When the code is missing, all the systems of your relationship are awkward, your love for each other is elusive, and you seem to disagree on just about everything.

The marriage code is based on the most common needs that men and women have.

When you meet the key need in your mate’s heart, you move above the “line of trust” in your marriage, where life and love is sweet and satisfying.

However, you are very different from one another, and you have different needs at the core of who you are.

HER Code

The password that will give a man access to his wife’s heart is: Security.

Security is the priority core need in a woman’s life. Because of hormones, a woman’s life is always changing. A husband wins at love when he makes it his ambition to meet his wife’s security need first in all things.

Any time she gets the message from him, “You are safe with me, and it is alright to be who you are right now,” her heart is drawn toward him and she relaxes in the relationship.

HIS Code

The password that will give a woman access to her husband’s heart is: Success.

She does this when she makes it her ambition to create an environment where her husband can succeed at work, with the kids, at church, in the community—and especially with her! 

Any time he gets the message from her, “I love the way you live, and I love the way you love me,” his heart is drawn toward her and he gains confidence in the relationship.

Your Marriage MEET UP

For over 40 years, Bill and I have had a weekly Marriage Meet Up.

• This regular meeting keeps us pulling in the same direction together.
• It also helps us stay connected emotionally and spiritually.

The Meet Ups keep the A.H.A. in our relationship.

1. A - Attitudes

We begin and end with prayer and scripture, so the Holy Spirit has room to work on us on as individuals and as a couple.  

2. H - Habits

The weekly Marriage Meet Ups include practical routines of matching calendars, talking through financials, tasks, To Do lists, and dividing up responsibilities.

3. A - Affection

We bookend the marriage meet ups with compliments and affirmations.

We thank each other for something we are grateful for in the past week, and at the end we affirm one another and speak life-giving affirmations on a trait or action we saw expressed in the meeting.

When you apply the Marriage Code, your weekly Marriage Meet Ups will go smoother if he enters feeling successful and she enters feeling secure.

Cozy up and make a date where you each finish these sentences:

Husband to the wife:

Honey, the things you say and do that help me feel most successful are . . . 

Wife to the husband:

Honey, the things you say and do that make me feel most secure are . . . 

Keep the A.H.A. in YOUR marriage!

What day and time can you and your mate meet up each week?

Pam Farrel is an international speaker, relationship expert, and the author of more than 50 books including their newest, Marriage Meet Ups: A His and Her set, 52 week devotional planner for couples that want purpose, passion and productivity. To go into the meet up happier,  download your free copy of Infectious Joy! Pam and her husband, Bill, Co-Direct Love-Wise Ministries. They invite you to become a member of the Living Love-Wise Community.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Maura Barbulescu at Pixabay.

Photo of Bill and Pam by Rebecca Friedlander.

Plant What You Want to Grow

In this Spiritual Life UPGRADE, Dawn encourages us to be more intentional about what we "plant" into others' lives.

I have heard the scripture, Galatians 6:7-8 for years. I know it refers to being careful not to "sow" to our sinful flesh (which is destructive), but to instead plant to please the Holy Spirit, because from the Spirit we will reap eternal life and spiritual growth.

But the Lord spoke to me about another application.

What we plant in the lives of others—whether in person, on the phone, in writing or even on social media—can make a difference in their lives.

• If we plant joy, we will likely see a joyful response. If we constantly sow misery—bad news, bad reports, a negative perspective—how can we expect a harvest of joy?
• What would happen if we planted seeds of faith, instead of constantly dwelling on the negative or propagating fears?
• Do we cultivate peace, or do we let the weeds of worry take over?
• When we plant gratitude, this honors God. But grumbling? The story of the Israelites should inform us about that! (Exodus 15:24; 16:2; Psalm 106:7, 13, 25)

We are planting something in every interaction. We need to me more conscientious and intentional about what we sow.

We plant into lives through our words, attitudes and actions.

Think about just today. What have you "planted" in people's thoughts and hearts since you woke up this morning?

• Could you have planted a little differently—with more wisdom and compassion?
• How did they respond? Does that give you an indication about what you've sown?
• Have any regrets?
• Do you need to contact someone, do some "weeding" and purposefully plant something better?

But that's not all. What we plant will make a difference in our lives too.

Think about what you are sowing in your own thoughts. What does your self-talk sound like?

• Do you tell yourself or believe lies?
• Do you downgrade the gifts God has given you?
• Do you constantly judge yourself when God has already forgiven you?
• How is what you are saying to yourself affecting your behavior?
• Are the thoughts you plant encouraging growth ... or defeating you?

A good scripture for sowing healthy, helpful thoughts is Philippians 4:8:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about these things (Philippians 4:8).

Two truths to remember:

1. The Lord cares about relationships.

He cares how we interact with others—what we plant and cultivate.

2. The Lord cares about our self-care.

He cares about our self-talk—what we sow in our thoughts.

And the best news of all...

The Lord can help us learn to plant what we want to grow.

I wasn't kidding:

Think about today. What have you planted already? Need to do any relational weeding? What do you need to sow going forward?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is a speaker and author, and the creator the blog, Upgrade with Dawn. She is a contracted researcher/reviewer for women's teacher and revivalist, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, at Revive Our Hearts, a blogger at TrueWoman.com, writes wiki-type posts at  Christianity.com, and is a regular columnist at Crosswalk.com. She and her husband Bob live in sunny Southern California, and Dawn has traveled with Him in Pacesetter Global Outreach. They have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

Life in the Age of Listening and Learning

Julie Sanders is globally-minded, but she shares her wisdom with individuals, always pointing them to the Word of God. In this Communication UPGRADE, Julie encourages us to listen well, and be careful where we're listening.

"The need for understanding runs like a common thread through the noise of 2020," Julie says.

"Have you heard commitments to listening and learning? Have you expressed this intent?"

When I (Dawn) hear people shouting at one another during these chaotic times, I wonder, "Is anyone even listening? Or is everyone simply pushing their own agenda?

What would happen if we would learn to listen and learn?

Julie continues . . .

LEANING IN with openness to listen and learn can be wise. In loud days, it can also be complicated.

With intense events demanding global attention, no one escapes hearing something or someone.

Made in God’s image, the first Listener, we learn in His Word how to discern who and what we give a hearing.

1. Our Maker Listens

All people reflect God’s image, so His example as a listener matters. He doesn’t have to listen to the lowly, but He does.

He promised, “I will listen to you” (Jeremiah 29:12).

God assures us He listens.

“The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are attentive to their cry,” (Psalm 34:15). He gives attention to our words, even our cries. It’s a behavior we give thanks for.

2. We’re Made for Listening

Out of gratitude for God’s heart to hear us, we can learn to grow our listening skills. 

Instead, we’re often inclined to answer before leaning in.

God calls us out for what we are in those moments: disgraced.

“To answer before listening—that is folly and shame” (Proverbs 18:13).

Join a group in spewing words without humble listening, and we become part of a disgraceful group.

No one is exempt from the need to hear attentively with a heart to understand. 

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19b).

When we listen, we learn. If we only hear without godly attentiveness, we miss out on learning.

If we shut out godly instruction, Proverbs warns that we stray (Proverbs 19:20, 27).

3. We Benefit from Hearing

When we hear and act on messages aligning with God’s truth, we’re blessed.

“Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it” (Luke 11:28).

We are blessed when we remember what God says and do it (James 1:25). We’re like a wise man who builds his life on a rock (Matthew 7:24)—so if life feels shaky, it may be due to the voices we’re listening to.

4. Deception Speaks

Fallen voices speak fallen messages.

This is the challenge in a fallen world, discerning WHERE to lean in and listen. We can’t afford to be lazy listeners learning from peddlers of their own passions apart from God’s truth.

Jeremiah 23:16-17 warns listeners about hearing messages that don’t align with God’s truth. If listeners heed those voices, the imaginations of people “delude” them with “false hopes.”

Believing deceivers leads to losing God’s promised blessings.  

We can’t listen to every voice in the noisy now.

We can’t afford to let deceitful voices be those we listen to.

“Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says” (James 1:22). To know how to navigate these days, we must protect time and space to lean in to voices of truth.

The noisy now grows louder each day. Let’s lean in as listeners learning to see these days in God’s ways.

Where are you listening in these loud times? Who are you listening to and learning from? Is there a voice you need to silence or one to amplify? Plan for some quiet time so you can hear.

Julie Sanders loves uplifting leaders globally. She finds joy in helping women listen and learn cross-culturally from one another and, most of all, from God’s truth for life in every land. She’s the author of The ABCs of Praying for Students. Julie calls the Northwest home and writes from her online base at juliesanders.org.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Jon Wisbey at FreeImages.com.

The Great Divide

Kathy Carlton Willis is one of the most faithfully joyous women I know. In the midst of difficult situations, she looks for the God of joy, peace and wisdom. In this Relationships UPGRADE, she encourages Christ-followers to engage with our growing cultural divides through the powerful grace of God pouring through our lives.

“Now more than ever, I’m feeling the pressure of the great divide all around me,” Kathy says.

“There are so many issues where people are taking sides, and they assume I’m on their side or they judge me if they assume I’m on the other side. They do this, without even asking my view or my reasons!”

I (Dawn) can relate. I squirm in discomfort when there is conflict. And it seems to be everywhere these days!

Kathy continues . . .

To be honest, I’m more of a “Why can’t we all just get along?” kind of gal. I don’t want there to be sides. We can be mature enough to respect people who have a different viewpoint than us.

Do we have to match in opinions to make relationships work? I would hope there’s space for grace.

There are so many differing opinions these days:

• Masks or no masks?
• Self-isolating/social-distancing or back to normal?
• Republican or Democrat?
• All Lives Matters or Black Lives Matter?
• Homeschooling or public education?
• Big churches, small churches or home church?
• Technology-centric or simple-focus?

What do I do when people make a wrong assumption about me? Or worse, they judge me because of that assumption?

What can you do?

Don’t label fear in someone unless you know their brave story.

Be devoted to one another with [authentic] brotherly affection [as members of one family], give preference to one another in honor (Romans 12:10 AMP).

How to Engage with Grace, not Disgrace

1. Ask yourself if the battle is more important than the relationship.

2. Will the issue matter five years from now? If it’s temporary, you can get past it.

3. Start conversations by acknowledging how you value the other person.

4. Tell stories rather than discussing facts. Your experience is more important to the other party than something you’ve read.

5. Resist stirring the pot by making divisive statements.

6. Ask them for permission to discuss it before bringing up subjects that divide.

7. Decide in advance what you will do if the conversation gets uncomfortable.

8. Don’t drag others into the dispute. No one likes being put in the middle of someone else’s battle.

9. Avoid making personal accusations to make your point. In debate, we were taught you can tell when a side is losing when they start to attack the person rather than debate the issue.

10. Don’t make it your life mission to change people’s minds on things that don’t matter for eternity.

So I, the prisoner for the Lord, appeal to you to live a life worthy of the calling to which you have been called

[that is, to live a life that exhibits godly character, moral courage, personal integrity, and mature behavior—a life that expresses gratitude to God for your salvation], with all humility [forsaking self-righteousness], and gentleness [maintaining self-control], with patience, bearing with one another ^[a]in [unselfish] love. 

Make every effort to keep the oneness of the Spirit in the bond of peace [each individual working together to make the whole successful] (Ephesians 4:1-3 AMP).

Some things I’m doing:

• I’m listening more and talking less.
• I’m evaluating why certain opinions matter so much to me that I’d be willing to hurt a relationship to be right. The answer is, nothing matters more to me than people.
• I ask Jesus to show me the hearts of others as he sees them. Usually he shows me they are hurting, not hurting me.
• I’m learning to appreciate diversity. Differences can be beautiful, like a garden filled with various flowers.
• I’m finding common ground rather than fixating on our differences.

Today what will you do to be part of the BRIDGE and not part of the DIVIDE?

Kathy Carlton Willis, God’s Grin Gal, writes and speaks with a balance of funny and faith, whimsy and wisdom. She coaches others to remove the training wheels of fear and not just risk, but also take pleasure in the joy ride of life. She is known for her debut book, Grin with Grace, and for her grinning Boston terrier, Hettie. Her new book, The Grin Gal’s Guide to Joy is inspiring Joy Sightings everywhere. Learn more about God's Grin Gal.

Graphic adapted, courtesty of Klimkin at Pixabay.

I Can Fly with a Little Help from My Friends!

Deb DeArmond loves to see the Lord transform relationships through the wisdom of His Word. In this Friendship UPGRADE, she shares some tips for cultivating stronger friendships.

“In a recent email,” Deb said, “my friend, Jeanne closed with the words, ‘Thank you for being my friend. In the moment, the phrase caught me off guard and my eyes quickly filled with tears.”

I (Dawn) understand the depths of emotion we can feel because of our friendships, and sometimes our poor responses to friends we love. Deb addresses both.

Deb continues . . .

The content of my friend's note was not emotional, and yet I became a puddle without warning. Why?

Jeanne and I met at a writer's conference seven years ago. She invited me to record an interview about my first book, Related by Chance, Family by Choice. It would be broadcast on Heritage of Truth, the ministry she and her husband built together.

Though our time was brief, our hearts made an immediate connection that's grown stronger over time.

• We can’t meet for coffee; we live 1000+ miles apart.
• We rarely email and have never spoken on the phone.
• In a good year, we see each other once or twice.

So why did her expression of friendship impact me so deeply?

It's simple: God made us for CONNECTION.

It stirs us. And heart-to-heart friendship is tough to come by. I believe it’s rare.

We may call many people friends, including co-workers, neighbor, and our regular church companions in the 6^th pew back from the stage on the right side of the sanctuary. We may stay in touch with many who date back to childhood.  

I went from kindergarten to college with most of the same kids. They are important to me. We keep up with one another through social media—I know who has a new baby in the family, a promotion, or the loss of a loved one. I’m grateful we grew up together.

• Are these heart connections? Not so much.
• Do we all share the same faith? No, and sadly, some have none at all.

But I love them because we were witnesses to one another’s lives.

We have a shared history.

Could I call on them for encouragement, prayer, or a reminder of the God’s love in a time of hopeless despair or spiritual rebellion? With a few exceptions, the answer is no.

Life demands of us. A friend's encouragement or a loving rebuke is needed at times to remind us who He’s designed us to become.

A good friend is willing to do so, comfortable or not.

I’ve been blessed to experience this level of friendship; to have people—like Jeanne—in my life. She’s been a cheerleader, encourager and role mode. She’s open, candid and kind. I’m blessed to be her friend.

We’ve all had fair-weather friends. Those who tell us what we want to hear and when the going gets tough, they get gone.

Some of us may have been that friend on occasion. God’s not impressed with this approach.

The Bible says,

“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near” (Hebrews 10:14-15 NIV).

I hear my mom (gone for 20 years) remind me: “If you want a good friend, you have to be a good friend.”

How can we do that? Here are some possibilities.

Tips and Challenges

1. Ask the Lord to Guide Your Approach.

Pray when you feel impatient with a friend who’s in a tailspin—again.

Maybe it’s fear, maybe it’s discouragement, or a lack of faith. Remember, love wins.

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2 NIV).

2. Take Inventory.

Be brave and ask your closest friends how you could support or love them better.

Ask yourself, “Do I dispense advice, or do I seek God to discover what He’d like me to share?”

“The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense” (Proverbs 27:9 NLT).

3. Be Brave.

Proverbs 17:17 reminds us, “Iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.”

Lord, give us fearless obedience to You and Your Word. Let us be a channel to lift one another higher.

After all, that’s what friends are for.   

Which of these tips and challenges might help you further cultivate a cherished friendship today?

Deb DeArmond’s passion is family—not just her own, but the relationships within families in general. Her first book, Related by Chance, Family by Choice: Transforming the Mother-in-Law and Daughter-in-Law Relationships explores tools and tips to building sound relationships between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. Book #2, I Choose You Today, helps couples strengthen their marriages. Deb's new book on marital conflict, Don't Go to Bed Angry, Stay Up and Fight! was co-authored by her husband, Ron. They live in the Fort Worth area. For more about Deb, visit her "Family Matters" site.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of StockSnap at Pixabay.