Upgrade for Life's Second Half

Pam Farrel is a relationship specialist who, along with her husband Bill, shares wisdom for a wide variety of relationships.

“In my book 10 Secrets of Living Smart, Savvy and Strong, I share my need for a midlife upgrade!” Farrel said.

She got my attention immediately. Who doesn’t want a fresh start in life’s second half?

She continues …

When I was in my early forties, if my life were described as a hand-crocheted afghan, then one day someone grabbed one piece of thread and began to unravel my life.

My husband had been the picture of health, and all of a sudden his blood pressure went through the roof. This got our attention because his grandfather died of a stroke at age 47, and his father had a stroke that left him paralyzed and disabled at age 48. Bill was 45.

At the time, Bill and I had achieved some measure of success, one of our books had even hit the bestsellers list (Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti). Bill was also the senior pastor of the largest church in our city, and we were completing a new building project.

Then, one day, we were traveling and Bill wasn’t feeling well, so he went to the doctor. The test results showed Bill needed an upgrade too!

So to make a painful story shorter, through a series of events and meetings, Bill ended up resigning from the church he’d pastored for over 15 years. At the time of the life transition, all our sons were teens. I was trying to keep one kid in college and prepare another’s send-off for his education, all during a time period where there was a huge income shift.

One week in particular sticks out to me as a picture of our life.

• Caleb (then 13) was hit illegally in a football game and had to be rushed to Children’s Hospital. I found myself sitting with Bill next to Caleb, praying for both their lives to be spared. When we finally brought Caleb home, I had a speaking engagement that the family needed me to keep. I left Caleb in Bill’s wonderful care.
• The first night I was gone, our middle son was pulled from his football game with a concussion and knee injury.
• The next night, our oldest, a college quarterback, was pulled from the game with what we thought might be a career-ending/scholarship-ending injury.

When I landed at the airport, my sister-in-law was on the phone with the news that my 40-year-old brother had experienced a heart attack.

I prayed in desperation, “This family needs an upgrade!”

People cared, so they inquired. I just didn’t know how to reply when people asked, “So, how are you doing?”

I felt God impress a question on my heart, “What kind of woman do you want to be, Pam?”

“Lord, I want to be the kind of person who can look at whatever life sends her way and find joy in it. Your Word says, ‘The joy of the Lord is our strength,’ (Nehemiah 8:10)—and do I ever need strength right now!” 

I knew joy was the upgrade I needed to gain clarity to create an upgrade plan for life’s second half. I printed out all the verses about joy and hung my heart on the truth and hope found there.

And I changed my response to the question, “So, Pam, how are you doing?”

My new answer became, “Choosin’ joy!”

In the midst of your tough circumstances, how have you discovered the strength that comes from choosing joy in the Lord?

Pam and Bill Farrel are both happy and healthy and loving life as they work their new upgrade plan. They are the Co-Directors of Love-Wise. Pam has served as director of women’s ministry, a pastor’s wife and a mentor, and she is the founder and president of Seasoned Sisters, a ministry to women ages 40-65.

Photo of midlife couple: Image courtesy of photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

How to Keep Criticism from Crushing You

Gail Bones is an accomplished musician, educator and author. God has taught her much about dealing with criticism, and she remains vulnerable and transparent. I love that about her.

Gail shared this UPGRADE post, part of a longer article she wrote for writers and artists, but with helpful input for all of us:

I’ve been playing guitar my whole life. When I was a full-time performer, I could play guitar for six hours a day without feeling the strain. My secret? Industrial strength calluses. You get them the way oysters get pearls—by pressing through pain.

Writers are famous for having to learn how to handle rejection. We must develop a thicker skin, we are told. Even though I usually pretend to welcome it with open arms and a grateful heart, receiving even constructive criticism usually bothers me.

I don’t recoil, however, at the thought of pressing my fingertips against the hard steel strings of my guitar. As I’ve persisted over the years in leaning into the source of pain, my fingers actually have developed thicker skin.

Unless you have the courage to develop calluses, the beauty can’t flow freely from your hands.

There’s a lesson here about life.

Six Kinds of Criticism: Six Kinds of Pain

1. When It’s Right

When I joined my first writer’s critique group and started regularly seeing “wordy” written across my submissions, I didn’t believe it at first. I had to be alerted to the fact that I had this tendency and that it worked against the clarity and readability of my prose.

My critiquer was right. I leaned in to her insights, and my word counts began to drop dramatically.

2. When It’s Wrong

Not everyone who wields a red pencil gets it right 100% of the time. Don’t get discouraged; get a second opinion before you delete a month’s worth of work.

3. When It’s Gracious

Force yourself to accept that the commendations bookending the criticism are accurate.

Don’t highlight the negative and ignore the positive comments. Give yourself some credit!

4. When It’s Mean-spirited

Who knows why people feel they must spew venom when they get on the Internet. Anyone who gets that worked up, who uses capital letters and multiple exclamation points to slam someone else’s heart-felt words has issues that go beyond the scope of what you need to concern yourself with.

Just don’t go there.

5. When It’s Personal Preference.

Cross-stitch this if you need to, and hang it on your wall: Not everyone is going to love you. Not everyone is going to get you. But somebody will, and they are worth persevering for.

6. When It’s Self-Criticism.

I find I have to repeatedly scrape off the barnacles of pride masquerading as perfectionism that keep attaching themselves to my hull.

Being a people pleaser and a perfectionist will make you crazy. Being your own worst critic can sometimes be a sign that you have the discernment and sensitivity you need to be a writer. But you have to know when to silence that carping voice and let yourself believe positive and uplifting words.

The truth is, some criticism is tough to hear, but “If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise” (Proverbs 15:31).

How do you deal with various kinds of criticism? Which is the hardest for you?

 Dr. Gail Bones is a speaker, retreat leader, songwriter/worship leader,  former professor of education and the founder of CrossWise Living, an intergenerational ministry devoted to helping people navigate change. She and her husband Jeff have two married children. From the east coast but now living in San Diego, Gail says “happiness” means always having one or more of the following in her hands: a dog leash, a sailboat rudder, bicycle handlebars, a kayak paddle, an acoustic guitar, a big fat book or a hazelnut coffee. Read more about Gail at her website/blog.

Note: Guitar Photo Image courtesy of artemisphoto at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Before Your Next Date with Hubby

Arlene Pellicane offers lots of marriage tips in her book, 31 Days to a Happy Husband; What a Man Needs Most from His Wife. I'm glad she's willing to share some of them with our Project UPGRADE readers. In this post, Arlene encourages women to think through some practical ideas for "dating" Hubby.

"You know you’re supposed to go on date nights. People say it’s good for your marriage, kind of like taking a multivitamin," Pellicane says. "Yet you’re dragging your feet (taking vitamins isn’t sexy). Your schedule’s packed and dinner and movie just don’t seem that important."

Pellicane continues... 

As a mother of three young children, let me lean in closer and whisper in your ear:

Don't forget to date!

It’s critical to stay connected emotionally, physically and spiritually to your spouse. The daily grind typically doesn’t cater to that, so you have to create space to connect and have fun together. You don’t want to slowly drift apart over the years and end up as roommates. Instead, you want to keep courting!  

Here are four tips for your next date with hubby:   

1. Be playful and fun.  Date night is not the time to whip out the calendars and hash out who’s going to pick up dinner and who’s going to visit Aunt Grace in the hospital.

I love what Dr. David Clarke says about dating:

When you go out together on a “date,” it’s not romantic. It’s not playful. It’s not a time of fun and laughter. You’re going through the motions. It’s a good idea to go out on dates, so that’s what you’re doing. 

“We had a nice time,” you say. A date is not supposed to be a “nice time.” You have a “nice time” with your mother, or your Aunt Bertha. A real date with your spouse ought to be fun, stimulating, romantic and sensual. That’s why you got married!

2. Do something different. It could be as simple as trying a new restaurant or going to the mall and sampling new perfumes and colognes. If it’s always dinner and a movie, try a picnic dinner at the lake instead. 

3. Look your best. Just like you’d touch up your makeup before going to a party with friends, make sure you look attractive to your spouse. Be aware of your husband’s taste. (He may prefer a natural look or bright red lipstick, your hair up or your hair down.) My friend’s husband loves to see her in red. She doesn’t like red, but she does look great in it. She bought a few red blouses so she could go out with her husband … wearing red.

4. Heap him with praise. Date night is appreciation night! Spend the time complimenting your spouse about certain things he did that week. Hold his hand and cuddle up together. Be thinking about things you appreciate about your man and tell him all about it on date night. 

Which of these Hubby-dating tips encourages you to UPGRADE your relationship?

Arlene Pellicane is a speaker and author of 31 Days to a Happy Husband and 31 Days to a Younger You.  She has been featured on Family Life Today, The Better Show, The 700 Club, Turning Point with Dr. David Jeremiah, The Hour of Power, and TLC’s Home Made Simple. Arlene lives in Southern California with her husband James and three children, Ethan, Noelle, and Lucy.

Praise for Hubby: 'You da' Man!'

I met Kathi Lipp on the road at a women’s event. She is funny and smart. In her book, The Husband Project, she encourages women to share “great gossip” about their husbands. Others might call that “bragging on hubby” or becoming hubby’s cheerleader.

“As cliché as it may sound, our husbands want to be our heroes,” Kathi says. “More than they want to know that we love them, they want to know that we respect them. They need to know that they’re never the butt of our jokes, that they’re the go-to-guy in every story we tell.”

More from Kathi:

Make an opportunity today to spread some great gossip about your man. It doesn’t matter if it’s one of your friends or one of his; let that somebody know how blessed you are to be married to your guy.

Some key phrases you may want to put on index cards to help you remember:

• “I feel so lucky to have a man who knows how to do his own laundry.”
• “You know when I knew that my husband really loved me? When he could remember my order at Starbucks.”
• “I just love the way he is with our kids.”
• “He makes the best lasagna on the planet.”

Steering the Ship

A small rudder on a huge ship in the hands of a skilled captain sets a course in the face of the strongest winds. A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything—or destroy it  (James 3: 3-4 The Message). That’s what great gossip is all about.

As wives, we are often the ship’s captain, while our husbands are that huge ship. Words spoken in encouragement and love can go a long way to building our men up. But the opposite is true as well.  There is nothing that can determine the direction of our husband’s day quicker than the words that are spoken to him in the morning.

Sometimes as wives, we forget the role we play in our husband’s lives. We all remember that great line from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, spoken by Toula’s mom, “The man may be the head of the household, but the woman is the neck. She tells him which way to turn.”

OK, I don’t tell my husband which way to turn, but I do have an influence about how he navigates through his day.

I know that I need to be especially careful about my tone. Sometimes I think I am just oh-so-witty, when really it’s coming off as sarcastic and biting. It’s not enough to just say kind and encouraging words. I need to make sure that whatever words I choose only build up my husband, never tear him down.

That’s what great gossip is all about.

If you could brag on your husband to the whole wide world, what would you say?

Kathi Lipp is a speaker and prolific author, including The Husband Project and Praying God’s Word for Your Husband with Revell and Harvest House Publishers with four more books coming out in the next two years.  Kathi’s articles have appeared in dozens of magazines, and she is a frequent guest on Focus on the Family radio (named “Best of Broadcast”). She and her husband Roger are the parents of young adults in San Jose, CA. When she’s not doing laundry, Kathi speaks at retreats, conferences and women’s events.

How to Pray for Your Prodigal Child

Meet Janet Thompson: Janet's “Dear God” series of books are helpful and encouraging to women with many issues, but I asked her to write on the Prodigal today because I know it is dear to her heart and she can encourage others to UPGRADE their prayers.

“Are you wondering if you have a prodigal?,” Janet said. “Here’s my definition: ‘A child who is breaking the heart of his or her parents and the heart of God.’”  

Janet’s testimony and tips are positive and helpful:

I was a prodigal who raised a prodigal. I modeled worldly ways to my daughter, Kim, and she wanted to be just like me. When she was eighteen, I rededicated my life to Christ—I thought my daughter would follow after me. But she wanted nothing to do with this new “weird” mom.

When she announced she was going to live with her boyfriend when she left for college, I was heartbroken. I tried every way I could think of to dissuade her, but no amount of talking, pleading, or cajoling convinced her to change her mind.

Sobbing and sinking to my knees as I watched the taillights of my beloved only daughter’s little blue car disappear down the street as she headed off to college, I cried out to God: “Where did I go wrong?” “What can I do?” “Is it too late?”

Answers came in a devotional book which contained prayers in the form of paraphrased Scripture and a place to journal. Here are examples of verses I prayed for Kim, but you can take any verse in the Bible and personalize it because the Bible is your Guide for life. Make it personal and applicable:

Evening and morning and at noon I commit to pray and cry aloud for my daughter Kim. And You, Lord, shall hear my voice. (Psalm 55:17 NKJV)

I pray that my daughter Kim will know the truth and the truth will set him/her free. (John 8:32 NIV)

I started praying Scriptures for Kim:

Daily—I didn’t miss a day praying for her because I couldn’t stand the thought of her not being with me in heaven.

Biblically—Praying God’s Word back to Him kept me praying His will and not just my own will. I journaled my will.

Expectantly—with confidence that God would answer and act and in anticipation of how He would bring her back.

Persistently—I didn’t let myself become discouraged, even when I didn’t see any change in her and it seemed she moved further into the sinful lifestyle. I heard God’s still small voice that He wanted her back more than I did. So I kept on praying.

Sacrificially—I often fasted while praying.

Unceasingly—I never gave up, knowing my job as a praying parent was never finished.

Thankfully—always praising God for His answers to prayer even when they were different than I expected.

After five years of praying biblically, expectantly, persistently, sacrificially, unceasingly, and thankfully, my daughter started the long journey back to God and to me.

This past Mother’s Day, my "former prodigal" daughter Kim and I shared our story and our testimony of God’s faithfulness and grace at the Journey Churches Mother's Day Tea. (See photo, above).

Do you have a prodigal child?

Leave a comment if you'd like Janet and I (Dawn) to pray for you and your child.

Janet Thompson is a speaker and author of 17 books including “Praying for Your Prodigal Daughter: Hope, Help, & Encouragement for Hurting Parents” and her latest in a “Dear God series, Dear God, He’s Home! A Woman’s Guide to Her Stay-at-Home Man. Visit Janet at www.womantowomanmentoring.com.