Plan for Lasting Love

Pam Farrel is a relationship specialist, and she knows the power of making wise and godly choices that enhance relationships. In this Marriage UPGRADE, she says we need a plan if we want love in our  marriage relationship to last.

"A lasting love isn’t a happenstance," Pam says, "rather couples who gain long lasting love all made ONE vital decision: they DECIDED they wanted a long-lasting love! Love is a choice!"

I (Dawn) believe in making powerful choices! And a good place to start, right after our choice to receive  Jesus as our Savior, is in our closest human relationship.

Pam continues . . .

We recently celebrated our 40^th anniversary. As a gift, our grown sons and daughter in laws, along with our five grandchildren, all contributed to a book they wrote, 40 Reasons We Value Your Lasting Love.

Here are a few of our favorites parts from that book—along with four vital choices we've made in our marriage.

You too can gain a lasting lifetime love! Here is how.

1. Sit Face 2 Face

"We love because He (God) first loved us" (1 John 4:19).

This verse was inscribed on our wedding gifts to each other. We knew going in, we would only succeed at long lasting love only if God was kept front and center as the glue to hold us together.

One of the less glamourous but most vital choices we made early in our marriage was to create a Marriage & Family Compass.

This includes:

(1) Marriage/Family Mission Statement

We penned ours about two years into our marriage, inspired by a marriage conference for seminary students lead by Dr. Norman T. Wright.

(2) Marriage/ Family Motto

We wanted a short phrase like you’d see on a coffee mug or T-shirt. Ours is, “Those who honor God, God honors”—based on 1 Samuel 2:30.

(3) Marriage/Family Moniker

This is a family crest. Ours has three L’s that stand for Leaner, Leader, who Loves God (what we prayed our children would grow into); plus two hearts that stand for Farrels keep their promises, especially in marriage; and a cross with a star symbolizing that when you have a vibrant relationship with God, He ignites the God-given passion inside and you “let your light shine” for Him.

We also made a commitment to have a weekly “Monday Morning Marriage Meeting” where we pray, then discuss things like money/finances, calendar items, work and family; and we delegate tasks, make decisions together, etc. In other words, we tackle the important "biz issues" of a marriage. 

The Marriage Meet Up and the Family Compass were vital, because we both came from very dysfunctional, chaotic homes. We needed to be proactive and positive.

We saw the fruit of this in the book our family gave us on our 40th anniversary.

• "You love each other—quirks and all"
• "You model healthy communication, aka conflict resolution and forgiveness."
• "Tenacity! We will make it through anything TOGETHER!"
  

2. Walk Hand 2 Hand

"I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well" (3 John 1:2).

An obvious tip on gaining a long-lasting love is: You must live longer and stronger by treating your body (and your mate’s body) as “a temple of the Holy Spirit”  (1 Corinthians 6:19).

Because we were both athletes when we met at age 19, and married at age 20, keeping active is a part of our love life.

We have always enjoyed a daily prayer walk, hand in hand.

We have supported each other’s exercise pursuits, but the real key is finding some activities you BOTH enjoy doing together.

Some of our favorites are kayaking, paddle boarding, jet skiing, biking, swimming and dancing under the stars—or while waiting for an elevator!

• "You two are not afraid to take risks, as long as you are doing it together."
• "You love going on adventures together—you see life as an adventure."
• "You always take time for date nights."

3. Hug Heart 2 Heart  

"I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go…" (Song of Songs 3:4).

We have cultivated romance. We kiss each other EVERY TIME we say grace.

We put weekly date nights, a monthly day away, and twice-a-year overnight getaways on our calendar FIRST! We even schedule “Red Hot Monogamy!” 

• "You are each other’s biggest fans."
• "As a kid growing up, you modeled for us vulnerability, forgiveness, grace, pure love, joy and commitment."
• "You both love waffles and spaghetti."

4. Bow Knee 2 Knee

"You will pray to him, and he will hear you, and you will fulfill your vows" (Job 22:27).

Prayer was a part of our relationship from the first moment Bill first asked me out on our first date!

We pray for one another and with one another.

We pray, hug and kiss, when we greet and when we depart from each other.

We pray over meals, over decisions, over family and friends, and over our failures and frailties. We wrap up in each other’s arms each night and pray and thank God for each other and one more day together.

• "You guys have defied the odds and have a HEALTHY marriage."
• "You have completely changed the legacy of our family."
• "You model a chord of three strands is not easily broken."

Do you have hopes and dreams for your marriage?

I remember a drive together as a newly-engaged couple when one of us said, “We are years away from starting a family, but what will we want our kids to say about us on our 25th or 50th wedding anniversary?”

We made a verbal list, then we prayed and asked God to fulfill those hearts desires.

And He is!  

What new habits or activities do you want to add into your marriage or your family to secure the future God longs to give you?

Pam Farrel is a cheerleader for women everywhere! Bill and Pam Farrel are international speakers, relationship specialists, and authors of more than 50 books including the bestselling: Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti; 10 Best Decisions a Couple Can Make (which explains how couples can create their own Family Compass: Mission, Motto, Moniker); Red Hot Monogamy (with more than 200 romance ideas). Their newest book is Marriage Meet Ups: A Planner for Couples Who Want a Productive, Passionate and Purposeful Life (to be released the end of January 2020). Discover more about Pam or the Farrels' ministry at  www.Love-Wise.com

3 Suggestions for the Next Time You Feel Lonely

Becky Harling shares transformational messages, encouraging her audience to think biblically—and she does so with both depth and humor. In this Biblical Thinking UPGRADE, she offers three things to try if you're feeling lonely.

"What if your loneliness wasn’t something to dread but a vehicle for God to use?" Becky said. "What if instead of running from loneliness or hiding from it, you embraced it and ran to God?"

I (Dawn) seldom feel lonely, but when I have, it was tough. I think Becky's suggestions here are realistic and helpful.

Becky continues . . .

In our lives, we bristle against loneliness. We avoid it at all costs.

Yet many of us are experiencing soul weariness because we run from loneliness.

I remember a few years ago, during a heavy season of travel and ministry, I collapsed on my hotel bed and had a rather bizarre thought: “I’m lonely”.

After thinking about that, I almost giggled out loud reflecting, “How on earth can I feel lonely when I’ve been with people non-stop?” That’s when it hit me!

“I’m lonely for God!”

I had been pushing hard, and I needed time to sink into God’s presence and simply be at home with Him. He is my heart’s true home, and I needed the soul refreshment that comes only from enjoying His presence.

The Psalmists who wrote Psalm 84 understood. They penned,“My soul yearns, even faints for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God” (Psalm 84:2).

In our fast-paced, over-caffeinated, non-stop culture, we need refreshment and renewal.

In order for that to happen, we must embrace our loneliness and recognize it as a divine signal inviting us to our heart’s true home—God. There in His presence we can relax, re-group, rest and simply be loved.

All of this may sound ethereal to you.

How do you experience God’s presence when there’s so much pressure from our society to perform and accomplish? It’s not as difficult as you think.

Here are 3 simple suggestions to get you started.

1. Read a Psalm.

The Psalms are a great place to find connection. These poetic masterpieces help you connect with God.

In addition, the authentic words and feelings of the various Psalmists will help you feel connected to their emotions.

As you hear them crying out—

• “How long God” (Psalm 13:1)
• “Why Lord, do you stand far off?” (Psalm 10:1)
• “Hear me, Lord” (Psalm 17:1a)
• “I love you Lord, my strength” (Psalm 18:1)—

you’ll find yourself whispering, “Me too!”

The Psalms offer empathy to the feelings we experience in our journey with God and help us connect with Him at a deeper level.

2. Recognize the Ache in Your Soul Is Your Call Back to God.

The ache you feel deep in the innermost parts of your soul has been placed there by God Himself. It is a hunger that only He Himself can fill. Nothing else will completely satisfy.

In our culture, we don’t like to feel pain, so we run from pain, hide from pain or numb our pain. The truth is, pain can be a fabulous signal alerting us that something is wrong.

When you feel the pangs of loneliness, rather than turning on Netflix or vegging out in front of an Amazon movie, consider whether you’ve had adequate time soaking in God’s presence.

Set aside some extra time to relax unhurried in His presence. In your time, read a few verses, listen to some worship music, journal your prayers, and ask the Holy Spirit to give you a deeper awareness of God’s presence.

3. Re-connect with Heart Friends.

Not only were our souls created with a hunger for God, they were also created with a thirst for friends.

In Psalm 95, the Psalmist invites others to join him in worship, writing, “Come let us sing for joy to the Lord” (Psalm 95:1).

When my soul is bone weary, I know I need extra time alone in God’s presence; but then I also need my heart-connection friends.

• With these friends we can have a conversation about what God’s teaching us and how we’ve experienced Him in the mundane of everyday life.
• We can share prayer requests and encourage each other in the journey.
• With these heart friends, I experience the presence of God in our fellowship, and I walk away refreshed and uplifted. 

Friend, the next time you feel lonely, read a Psalm out loud, recognize your soul is aching for God, and re-connect with heart friends who understand your spiritual journey.

Don’t run from loneliness or hide from it. Instead, embrace it and then celebrate that loneliness can lead you back to your heart’s true home—God.

Think about the last time you felt lonely. How could these three suggestions have helped you get back on track?

Becky Harling is authentic. Passionate. Funny. She brings a life-transformational message to every audience. Becky has a Biblical Literature degree and is a Certified Speaker, Leadership Coach and Trainer with the John Maxwell Team. She is represented by Outreach Speakers. Her experience as a pastor’s wife, women’s ministry director, breast cancer and childhood sexual abuse survival all bring depth and realism to her message. Becky wrote eight books. Her latest, Who Do You Say that I Am?—an 8-week Bible study/video series—looks at the “I Am” statements of Jesus. Listen Well, Lead Better, written with her husband Steve, releases in February 2020. 

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Engin Akyurt at Pixabay.

Leaving & Being Left Behind: An Upgrade in Transition

Julie Sanders has a special gift for helping people find peace in their lives, work, relationships and family. In this Relationships UPGRADE, she helps us find peace during the transitional separations in our lives.  

"When it comes to leaving," Julie says, "life includes an equal portion of arrivals and departures. How can we deal with departures and help both who leave and those left behind?

I (Dawn) moved many times in my lifetime. I know the pain of separation and the process of change. I wish I'd had Julie's good advice back then!

Julie continues . . .

Sometimes separation results from our decisions, and sometimes it’s imposed on us by another. It may be the result of a long process of release, or it may be sudden.

A change in relational routines and familiar life functions may leave us feeling unsettled, insecure, or disoriented.

Since separation includes loss, there may be grieving.

Departures come with job changes, health trials, and life choices. Whether we say goodbye to a family member, co-worker, friend, or pastor, emptiness may seep in where security once lived.

What response lifts up the leaver and the one being left?

1. Say Something

When a significant person leaves, there may be an urge to explain, weigh in, or oppose it. After all, if we have a connection, it will be uncomfortable at best or painful at worst.

Sometimes the only message needed is a silent one: a smile, hug, handshake.

But if the response is audible, it helps to speak wisely. ^“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29).

Feelings rise in separations, so it pays to be alert to rotten, poor quality words escaping with emotion.

Whatever the delivery of our talk, messages should be useful, of good quality to “build up” the one leaving and those being left behind.

Positive, true words promote growth in times of transition.

Helpful messages give good will and kindness for hearts churning in change.

If life is upset by a leaving, good words will give good will. Words can give life or death. In a time of change, life is needed, “as fits the occasion.”

You could say nothing, but transition creates space and time where words of life are helpful to release the leaver to the next place and settle those who stay.

Say something, and make it good.

• Put into words how the person influenced you and share it.
• Consider how the person impacted your life in positive ways and state it.
• Think about how you helped each other and say thank you.
• Reflect on how God worked in the moving and affirm His movement.

2. Do Something

No matter if you’re the one going or staying, loss that accompanies leaving creates need.

Whether you chose the departure or find yourself caught up in someone’s choice, do what you can to be the salve in the separation.

Do something practical to meet a present need.

• Is your heart hurting? Spend time talking to God or reading His word for encouragement.
• Is packing needed?  Get boxes and help your significant person to do the work.
• Is the pathway unclear? Use your skills and network to help make connections.
• Is the departure having financial impact? Give a gift card or buy lunch.

3. Be There

There’s an undercurrent in separation that feels like rejection. It makes us wonder if we’re being abandoned for better things.

It applies to losing a loved one, seeing a spiritual leader leave, or watching a friend move away. Leaving for more can feel like not being loved anymore. In those times, it’s tempting not to be with the one who prompted the pain to begin with. That’s when it matters just to be present.

God’s path for me has most often assigned me the leaving role, instead of the one staying behind.

In one particular leaving, a wise man told me pain in departing is surpassed by sadness for the ones left behind.

From those who have loved me well, I have learned the value of saying something, doing something, and just being there.

• Be present and be grateful to be together in silence.
• Be present and say something good.
• Be present and do something helpful.

Life includes departures and arrivals in equal measure. As sure as there is coming, there is going.

When those you love let you know it’s time to leave, say something good, do something helpful, and be there.

When it’s hard to let go, what do you think it says about the bond you share? What words could be expressed to lift up the one you are leaving or leaving behind?

Julie Sanders, from her home in the Pacific Northwest, is in a season of both leaving and being left behind. She is grateful to know God never leaves us, and she believes He helps us be fully present where He has us each day. In July of 2019 Julie will release a devotional guide for moms whose children leave for school, The ABC’s of Praying for Students. Learn more about Julie and her book at http://www.juliesanders.org/.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Alexas Fotos at Pixabay.

Joy: The Key to Unlocking Love for Your Relationships

Pam Farrel, relationship specialist, is always on the lookout for Word-based insights to encourage stronger, healthier relationships to the glory of God. In this Relationship UPGRADE, she shares a special “key” to unlocking greater love.

“Love and joy are intricately connected—like a hook and eye, peanut butter and jelly, salt and pepper, or keys of ebony and ivory,” Pam says.

“Love and joy pour into each other until our life plays the beautiful melody of happiness God intends for each of us.”

I (Dawn) think this is a truly special insight. We tend to only think about love in relationships, but link that to sincere joy and an amazing thing happens. Love blooms.

Pam continues . . .

Mother Teresa said, “A joyful heart is the normal result of a heart burning with love."

And Mark Twain believed, “To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.”  

During the last year, while writing Discovering Joy in Philippians, I pondered how joy positively impacts a person’s life and relationships.

Most people see Philippians as primarily a book about joy, but as I plunged a bit deeper, I easily saw some relationship best practices revealed in this short, but powerful book of the Bible.

One of the keys to unlocking health in relationships and producing more joy is revealed in a simple equation:

The more of the Word in you, the more love and joy in you AND the more love and joy you will have spill out into your relationships.

Here’s how the Word empowers us to have healthier and happier relationships.

1. Wash In the Word

To keep my attitude positive and to stay more attuned in all my relationships, I like to integrate various study techniques so the Word washes over and through me, delivering positive life improvement.

One way to gain a new mindset is to allow God’s Word to play the soundtrack to your life.

You can do this in the daytime by layering God’s Word throughout your day:

• Play Christian music,
• Post verses,
• Hang scripture art,
• And place devotionals and Bible studies throughout your home.

At any time, the transformative Word is in sight and within earshot. 

While writing Discovering Joy In Philippians—and in the next year, now that I am teaching it online—I fall asleep to the audio version of Philippians, or a play list with worship songs about joy.

By listening to God’s Word, my fears are calmed, I am infused with joy and courage, and my heart is refined.  

2. Walk Out the Word

This priority on relationships is reflected in the letter of Philippians:

“I thank my God in all my remembrance of you” (1:3).

People can tell when you feel thankful and appreciative of them.

We want to live in such a way that when people recall us, or someone even mentions our name, they light up with praise and delight.

Also, by thanking God for someone, our “attitude of gratitude” builds a sense of deeper respect, honor and gratefulness toward the person. 

“always in every prayer of mine for you all making my prayer with joy” (1:4).

Praying for someone is one of the greatest gifts you can give to a person.

Knowing someone is praying for you, with JOY, draws us to people because they express gladness and sincere excitement when they see us. 

“It is right for me to feel this way about you all, because I hold you in my heart, for you are all partakers with me of grace…”  (1:7).

My husband, Bill, and I use this verse as the theme to our book, The Marriage Code. We love how God gives the goal of living as “partakers of grace”, then He shares HOW to do that: “hold you in my heart.”

This means we choose to NOT make a relationship about a list of behaviors.

To “hold on your heart” means carrying someone with constant love while giving the benefit of the doubt to their intentions.

When a relationship is based only on behaviors, NO ONE can stay good enough, long enough to succeed at a relationship.

Love gives the grace that trumps human imperfection.

“And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment” (1:9).

3. Wade into the Word

Another way to gain a fresh appreciation of a verse and how to apply it is to read it in a few translations or paraphrased versions. 

I appreciate the expanded vocabulary definitions included in verses 9 and 10 in the Amplified version:

“And this I pray, that your love may abound more and more [displaying itself in greater depth] in real knowledge and in practical insight, so that you may learn to recognize and treasure what is excellent [identifying the best, and distinguishing moral differences], and that you may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ [actually living lives that lead others away from sin]” (1:9-10, emphasis mine).

I also cherish these verses in The Message as it is a wholesome challenge for how to live out love and joy to positively impact relationships:

“So, this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover’s life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of…” (again, emphasis mine).

As we wade deeper into the Word, we can often gain fresh insights and anticipate God working. 

Are joy and love overflowing out of your heart and into your relationships? Of the ideas shared in this blog on how to process the Word to raise the quality of what you have available to pour into your relationships, which idea can you begin with to have to biggest positive impact?

Pam Farrel is the author of 46 books including many bestsellers like: Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti and Discovering Hope in the Psalms: A Creative Bible Study Experience .  She also enjoys co-authoring with Jean E. Jones and artist Karla Dornacher, and their next book, Discovering Joy In Philippians: A Creative Bible Devotional Experience , releases May 2019. Pam also loves mentoring and coaching women online; and she and her husband, Bill, stay active speaking and writing on marriage, family, relationships and on Living Love-Wise.  

Graphic of graffiti wall adapted, courtesy of Angela Yuriko Smith at Pixabay.

Left Unsaid: Two Perspectives

In this Relationship UPGRADE, Dawn Wilson reminds us there are words best left unsaid, but others that need to be said.

"Words, along with all the manifestations of Christlike love, are a key to good relationships," Dawn says, "but do we truly care how we use our words?"

Ecclesiastes 3:7 tells us there is “a time to be silent and a time to speak,” and the wise Christian will learn when and what words are appropriate.

I. Some Words Need to Be Left Unsaid.

There’s a time to be silent.

I cannot count all the times I’ve “bit my tongue” during my marriage. Once I actually bit it as I started to say something sarcastic, then shut my mouth quickly and my tongue ended up between my teeth. My sarcasm bit me back!

Words can bless and encourage, but wisdom guards the tongue, knowing how hurtful and destructive words can be.

Words best left unsaid come from heart issues.

For example:

• Haughty words come from a proud heart.
• Ungrateful words come from a selfish heart.
• Condemning words come from a jealous heart or an unforgiving heart.

James warns we need to bridle our tongues (James 1:26) or tame them if we want to live as a true Christ-follower. We must discipline the tongue, because it is unruly and rebellious.

My friend Kimberly Wagner shared 10 excellent ways to guard and tame the tongue. My favorite is to learn the H-A-L-T Principle. Learn to restrain your words—shut your mouth—and delay conversations when you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. (Smart lady!)

Basically, in the flesh, we tend to spout off with "corrupting talk," but the Holy Spirit can give us the wisdom and grace to speak life-giving words (Ephesians 4:29).

II. Some Words Must Never Be Left Unsaid.

Yes, there's a time to be silent. But then, there’s a time to speak up!

Many Christians who have learned when to be silent have forgotten what it means to not be silent when speaking up is important, helpful, or sometimes even crucial.

1. We need to speak up about our greatest love—Jesus!

We need to fearlessly speak up about Jesus, because we have the promise that the Holy Spirit will help us (Mark 13:11) and His Word will not return to Him empty (Isaiah 55:11).

David Robertson, a minister in Dundee, Scotland, wrote that he was once a “secret Christian” because he wasn’t sure he could bear the social stigma of living in post-Christian Scotland. He says a group of Christians at his school asked if he would speak on their behalf in a debate and he reluctantly agreed.

After the debate, the head of the English department congratulated his "performance," but added, “You almost had me persuaded that you really were a Christian.” Robertson replied, “Sir, I am. And that is the last time anyone will say that to me.”

Robertson learned to speak up—what he calls “ordinary, courageous speaking”—out of love for the Lord.

“We speak up because we love Jesus and we want to see Him glorified,” he said. “We speak up, not to defend ourselves, but because we love those we are speaking to and want them to share in the greatest gift of all: Christ.”

2. We need to speak up when evil seems to prevail.

In a culture gone wild, with social norms crumbling and evil prevailing, Christians can’t sit back and “observe.” We have to speak up.

Rather than running away and hiding, we need to turn and face the enemy and speak the truth.

How the enemy responds is not our responsibility. Peter and John responded to the rulers who told them not to speak in the name of Jesus anymore (Acts 4:13-20) because they knew their culture’s only hope was the Savior.

“… we cannot but speak of what we have seen and heard,” they said.

We don’t have to “win” arguments. We only have to stand up and speak up, and tell people God’s perspective as found in the Word.

It’s not about our opinions; it’s His truth.

When we speak the truth—always with the motive of love (Ephesians 4:14-15)—the Holy Spirit can use our words to make an impression for righteousness in the world and help our spiritual brothers and sisters mature into Christ.

3. We need to speak up when our brothers or sisters struggle or hurt.

Christians are meant to speak encouraging words to one another to build each other up (1 Thessalonians 5:11), especially in times of struggle or pain.

We may think about sharing words of comfort, encouragement, challenge or hope ... but unless we act and actually speak up, how will our friends and family be helped?

Words of encouragement are sometimes like soothing oil, helping others to bear up under their burdens (Galatians 6:2). Other times they are like motivating cheerleaders, lifting people up (Proverbs 12:25) and stirring them up to love and good works (Hebrews 10:23-25).

What should be left unsaid, and what should not be left unsaid?

It might be wise to examine our hearts regularly, because we must never forget: the tongue has power to hurt and also power to heal.

"Death and Life are in the power of the tongue...." (Proverbs 18:21).

What about you? Do you need to seek forgiveness for hurtful, destructive words? Are there words someone in your circle of influence desperately needs to hear?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is a speaker and author, and the creator the blog, Upgrade with Dawn. She is a contracted researcher/reviewer for Revive Our Hearts  and a writer at Crosswalk.com. She and her husband Bob live in Southern California and have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Prawny at Morguefile.