The Enemy in Your House

All too often wives treat their husbands like the enemy, but they've got it all wrong! In this Marriage UPGRADE, Dawn Wilson considers the real enemy in so many homes.

"Our real enemy is not our spouse, as much as it might feel that way," Leslie Vernick wrote in How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong.* "Our enemy is Satan and the evil he stands for."

Whether it feels like all hell is breaking loose or we're simply "ticked off" at our spouse's rude or insensitive behavior, it helps to remember there's more at stake then just "us two."

Satan delights in ruining relationships, especially when that relationship is supposed to picture the beauty of Christ and His Church (Ephesians 5:22-32).

Satan is an evil destroyer; he prowls around, trying to devour us as we follow Jesus (1 Peter 5:8). The devil hates what God loves and loves what God hates.

Satan hates a loving, God-honoring marriage.

And he's so tricky, so subtle. Here are some of His tactics:

1. The Father of Lies blinds us to the truth (John 8:44).

Every marriage partner has blind spots, and Satan wants to keep us in the dark about our weaknesses, pet sins, and how we can hurt our spouse. He loves it when we believe lies about our marriage.

2. He suggests evil thoughts and motives. (Examples of how he works: John 13:2; Acts 5:3)

This is why it is so crucial to stay in the scriptures, to be transformed by the renewing of our mind (Romans 12:2) so we recognize evil.

3. He promotes disunity, bitterness and an unforgiving spirit (James 3:14-15; Ephesians 4:26-27).

He wants us to focus on our partner's short-comings and forget our own. He loves it when we hold grudges and speak angry, bitter words, forgetting how much we have been forgiven (Ephesians 4:32).

4. He tempts us to be sexually immoral (1 Corinthians 7:1-5).

Whether through impure thoughts, or immoral temptations like pornography and adultery, Satan looks for a "foothold" or opportunity (Ephesians 4:27) in every marriage.

The Devil's agenda is simple: Total Destruction! And he is cunning; he doesn't want us to understand he's in the middle of the messes in our relationships.

As Leslie Vernick wrote,

"His tactics always involve sin, and so we often end up fighting each other instead of our real enemy.

"When we react sinfully to our spouse's wrongs, Satan wins. He accomplishes his goal—to destroy our homes and our lives, not to mention our witness for Christ."

And we can't afford to be passive about this, because Satan's attacks are relentless.

So, how can you and I deal with the real enemy in our homes? We can:

• Seek the Lord in His Word and in prayer. God's divine power can "demolish strongholds" (2 Corinthians 10:4) in our marriages.
• Submit our life and marriage to God (James 4:7a).
• Resist the enemy (James 4:7b).
• Wise up! Become more alert to Satan's tricks (2 Corinthians 2:11) in our life and marriage.
• Arm ourselves against the devil's wicked strategies (Ephesians 6:10-18).

Let me get personal.

If you're married, it's not all about you. It's not even about the two of you!

It's about the glory of God. It's about preserving the sanctity of marriage. It's about you and your partner's spiritual health. It's about a watching world. And if you have children, it's about leaving them a strong legacy.

On this last point, one of my sons once told me he is motivated to keep working on his marriage because of the examples he's seen in our and his grandparents' marriages, and other godly marriages in our extended family. Fighting the battle for marriage is so crucial for those coming after us.

What is your biggest struggle with your spouse? Do you understand who the real enemy is in your house?

 Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Ministries, is the creator of three blogs: Heart Choices Today, LOL with God (with Pam Farrel), and Upgrade with Dawn. She is the President of the San Diego chapter of Network of Evangelical Women in MInistry (NEWIM San Diego). Dawn is the co-author of LOL with God and contributed "The Blessing Basket" in It's a God Thing. She and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

* NOTE: I recommend Leslie's book to every married woman: How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong (Waterbook Press, 2001). Quotes: pp. 66-68.

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net. 

10 Great Choices to Make Today

Leslie Vernick‘s wise counsel encourages women everywhere to live for God in freedom and abundance. In this Life UPGRADE, she encourages us to consider 10 simple but powerful choices we can make every day.

“God has given an important freedom to humankind,” Leslie says. “It’s the freedom to choose.”

Now anyone who knows me (Dawn) and my ministry (Heart Choices Ministries) will know Leslie had me at the word “choose.” In this post,* Leslie shows us how important choices are to God, and how they can change the direction of our lives; and then she offers 10 great choices you can make today … and every day.

Leslie continues …

The Bible gives us plenty of examples of individuals who made good choices and of others who made poor choices. We can learn from their example.

Eve chose to believe the serpent rather than believe God. She only looked at the moment (it looked good to eat and she wanted it), but the consequences of her choice affected the entire human race (Genesis 3:1-6).

Moses “chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than enjoy the pleasures of sin for a short time. He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward” (Hebrews 11:25-26).

Noah chose to believe God and built an ark, suffering the ridicule of his entire community for a season, but saving his family in the long run (Genesis 6-8).

Abram chose to believe God and it was counted unto him as righteousness (Genesis 15:6).

Esau chose to sell his inheritance for a pot of stew. He was living for the moment and made his decision on a temporary felt need—hunger (Genesis 25:29-34).  

The Israelites chose to believe the eight spies that feared the giants rather than Joshua and Caleb who trusted God (Numbers 13).

David chose to honor his commitment and loyalty as a subject of King Saul, even though Saul sought to kill him. When David had the chance to kill Saul, he chose not to, instead trusting God to deliver him and protect him (1 Samuel 18-24). 

Queen Vashti chose to say no to her drunken husband, King Xerxes when he commanded her to come to the palace to parade her beauty before the people and nobles (Esther 1). As a result she lost her position, but she kept her dignity.

Abigail chose to do the right thing and overruled her foolish husband’s orders when he refused to feed David’s men. She saved her family from disaster and David from sinning (1 Samuel 25). 

John the Baptist chose to stand for the truth rather than compromise with sin and lost his head (Mark 6:17-29); yet Jesus says of John that no human being has ever been greater than he (Matthew 11:11). 

Judas chose to wallow in self-hatred instead of choosing to repent after betraying Christ … he went out and hung himself (Matthew 27:3-5). 

Jesus, the very Son of God, chose to leave His heavenly kingdom and live among us. He wanted to show us who God was and what He was like. He chose to suffer and die on the cross so that one day we might live forever with Him.

"We can decide –

• to live in response to the abundance of God, and not under the dictatorship of our own poor needs.
• ... to live in the environment of a living God and not our own dying selves.
• ... to center ourselves in the God who generously gives and not in our own egos which greedily grab.”

Just like turning your steering wheel slightly will make a big difference in where your car ends up, making small but regular good choices can make a huge difference where your life ends up.  

Here are ten choices you can make today.

You can:

1. Choose to love, rather than hate.
2. Choose to smile, rather than frown.
3. Choose to build, rather than destroy.
4. Choose to persevere, rather than quit.
5. Choose to praise, rather than gossip.
6. Choose to heal, rather than wound.
7. Choose to give, rather than grasp.
8. Choose to act, rather than delay.
9. Choose to forgive, rather than curse.
10. Choose to pray, rather than despair.

Moses encourages the people of God with these words, “Now choose life, so that you and your children may live….” (Deuteronomy 31:8).

Which of these 10 abundant life choices can you make right now? Which would most change your current circumstances?

Leslie Vernick is a national and international speaker, author, licensed clinical social worker, consultant and relationship coach with an expertise on the subjects of personal and spiritual growth, marriage improvement, conflict resolution, depression, child abuse, destructive relationships and domestic violence. She has 25 years of experience helping people enrich the relationships that matter most! Visit her website!

* This post is excerpted from Chapter 6 of Leslie’s book, How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong. The “We can decide...” quote: Alice Gray, Steve Stephens, and John Van Diest, comps., Lists to Live By: For Everything that Really Matters (Sisters, Oreg.: Multomah, 1999), 215.

How to Counter Lies about Anger

Leslie Vernick is a counselor, coach, author and speaker who loves to enrich people’s relationships. In this post, she addresses the lies people believe about anger.

“Anger is a normal part of being a human being,” she says, “but it can be a dangerous emotion and has the potential to wreck our relationships and our lives.”

I (Dawn) thought I never had an "anger issue" because I don't blow up. But the Lord showed me I can be angry under the surface. It shows up in bitterness, resentment and a host of other attitudes that are just as ugly as ungodly external anger.

Leslie continues …      

Here are the four most common lies about anger, and God’s countering truth.

1.   When I feel angry, I must let it all out.

Too much damage has been done to people we love by blurting out angry feelings in the moment of their greatest intensity. Doing this might provide some sort of relief but it is never beneficial to the hearer or the relationship. 

Proverbs 12:18 says reckless words pierce like a sword, and Proverbs 29:11 warns us, "Only a fool gives full vent to his anger."

Better ways to get some relief from intense anger are to journal or pray your honest emotions to God. 

2.    Other people or provoking situations make me angry. 

We say things like, “You make me so mad!” or “If you wouldn’t have done that, then I wouldn’t have reacted that way.”

Difficult people or situations don’t MAKE us angry, although they do tempt us. What really happens when we encounter these kinds of people is that they expose us.  Jesus tells us, “It is out of the overflow of your heart, your mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45).

Start to listen to your internal self-talk when you feel angry. For example, “I can’t believe this is happening to me” or “they can’t get away with this.” 

Start to understand what the real problem is that’s causing our anger to escalate. Our own thought life. Calm yourself down (with different self talk and God’s Word).

3.    I’m entitled to use my anger to get what I want—if what I want is a good thing.

Anger motivates us and helps us to speak up against wrong, as well as take action to fight against injustice and evil in our world. Because it is such a powerful force however, the apostle Paul warns us not to sin in our anger (Ephesians 4:26).

Most of the time what we want is permeated with self-centered desires. James 4:1 asks us what is the source of quarrels and conflicts among us? He says it comes because we’re not getting what we want.

The Bible tells us not to merely look out for our own interests (what we want), but also the interests of others (Philippians 2:4).

4.    I have always had a bad temper and this is just the way I am. I can’t change.

The good news of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that he not only redeems us but he restores us. He changes us. The deeper problem that causes your anger is what needs to change.

Romans 8:5 says, “Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the spirit desires.”

When God changes our heart, it’s not that we never get angry, but we no longer want to use our anger as a weapon to demand our own way, prove our point or make sure everyone knows we’re right. We don’t want to hold onto grudges, nurse resentment or harbor bitterness in our heart. Instead we want to forgive and reconcile.

I want to look out for the interests of others because I care about them and therefore I hold my anger in check when I’m not getting what I want and weigh that with what others might want or need.

James tells us to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for a man’s anger (or a woman’s anger) does not produce the righteous life that God desires (James1:19-20)

What triggers your anger? Have you believed any of these lies about emotionally-destructive anger?

Leslie Vernick is a national and international speaker, author, licensed clinical social worker, consultant and relationship coach with an expertise on the subjects of personal and spiritual growth, marriage improvement, conflict resolution, depression, child abuse, destructive relationships and domestic violence. She has 25 years of experience helping people enrich the relationships that matter most! Visit her website!

Graphic in Text, adapted: Image courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net