I Choose You Today

Deb DeArmond's new book, I Choose You Today, is a perfect read for couples—and not just for Valentine's Day. But I asked her to share her heart for this special Valentine's Day UPGRADE for married couples.

"He drove in the pouring rain for eight hours to surprise me for Valentine’s Day," Deb says. "Best upgrade ever."

Don't you love Valentine's Day surprises? I (Dawn) love the way Deb's hubby, Ron, showed his romantic side; but I love even more her emphasis on the choice they made to strengthen and bless their marriage.

Deb continues . . .

When you’ve been married for 40 years, you’ve “celebrated” a lot of February 14^th’s together. Some involved hauling kids to ball practice and music lessons or a doctor’s appointment for an elderly parent. Not quite A+ in the romance department.

We usually exchanged cards, but that was often the extent of the energy devoted to making the day special.

But 12 years ago, my Valentine chose to upgrade my day in a way I never expected—and will never forget.

We lived near San Francisco at the time. I was scheduled for two weeks of work 400 miles south in Los Angeles, which meant I’d straddle the weekend and miss Valentine’s Day. I hated to be away, but we made plans to celebrate on my return. Luckily, my sweet mother-in-law lived nearby, so I planned some shopping and a Valentine’s Day dinner as a treat.

Just as we were headed out to a favorite restaurant, there came a brisk knock. When I opened the door, I was stunned to see the face of my sweet man. He was holding a dozen beautiful roses and beamed a “gotcha!” smile.

I was shocked. Perhaps I shouldn’t have been. After all, Ron’s the romantic one in this duo.

Not long after we married, he began to say, “I Choose You Today.”  Not every day, but several times each week, he spoke those words. I soon began to follow suit with my own declaration, adding a specific focus such as “I choose to love you today” or “I choose to support your goals today.”

Whether we said them aloud or just held them in our hearts, our behavior began to align with those choices.

Sometimes the words are exchanged with a hug and a kiss. Sometimes it’s through gritted teeth.

It’s on the days I least feel like choosing him that it’s most important that I do.

Our feelings cannot be the foundation of our commitment. Feelings are subject to change. The foundation of our life together must be based on God’s Word, which never changes.

Those four little words, I choose you today, have had a dramatic impact in our life, in ways I never imagined all those years ago.

James 3:5 tells us “A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything —or destroy it!” (MSG)

And in the middle of every CHOICE there’s a hidden message:

O-I-C or Oh, I See!

Choose to look ahead and you’ll never look back.

Here’s how:  

O – Open your heart (and your mouth) often to renew your commitment to one another. It reminds you of the day you stood together facing the future with little knowledge of what life would demand. It’s unifying.

I – Ignite the fire in your marriage often by making purposeful choices that support your relationship, choosing to honor, respect, and romance one another.

C – Create a connection that aligns your marriage with the Lord at the center. Focused on God is how we started life together and how we must continue if we want to finish strong. And that is our plan.

Life’s all about the choices you make. What will you choose today?

Deb DeArmond’s newest book, I Choose You Today: 31 Choices to Make Love Last, is based on the principle that marriage and love is always a choice—one that benefits from a daily renewal of our commitment. It offers inspirational stories, scriptural foundations, and thought-provoking questions so readers can explore their choices and commitments to each other . . . every day of their marriage. Married nearly 40 years, Deb and Ron live near Fort Worth. Their tribe includes three sons, three daughters-in-love, and six perfect grandboys. Find Deb, her books, and her speaking schedule at www.debdearmond.com.

9 Ways to Cultivate 'Lifetime' Married Love - Part 2

Today is Valentine's Day ... and I thank God for my "Valentine," my husband Bob. We've chosen for nearly 40 years to love each other through all the circumstances of this life, and our marriage has blessed us as we seek to honor God.

In part one of this post, I listed four characteristics of a "Lifetime" Love and encouraged readers to study some "Lifetime" marriages they know ... and their own marriages. Here are the first four points:

1. God is first
2. Giving 100%
3. Growth/ability to adapt
4. Granting freedom to fail

Let me continue ...

5. Good will: The sweetest marriages I've observed are those where partners offer each other their good will - kindness, graciousness, positive reinforcement and encouragement.

We all have "bad days" and meltdowns eventually. A Lifetime Marriage understands a partner cannot be perfect and reaches out with a gracious, encouraging spirit (1 Thessalonians 5:11), with the goal of building the marriage, not allowing the enemy or selfishness to tear it down.

6. Good times: Every marriage has its share of tough times. Financial struggles. Health issues. Problems with kids. Spats over little things that, in retrospect, didn't matter much.

A wise married couple will plan for plenty of good times, occasions to celebrate, opportunities to relax together (sexually and otherwise) and to simply play. These are way to bring some healing joy into the relationship.

(Read Song of Solomon and think about the joy and playful anticipation this couple enjoyed!) Don't lose the joy of your relationship!

7. Gratitude: When we're "used to" someone, we tend to take that person for granted. This can be a relationship killer.

Colossians 3:17 and 1 Thessalonians 5:18 encourage gratitude in every part of life and all circumstances. There are many opportunities in marriage. Practice sincere gratitude; look for ways to appreciate your spouse or say a simple, heartfelt "thank you."

8. Guidance without Judging: It's been said we should not offer unsolicited advice. That's true in most relationships, but in this "oneness" partnership, a wise spouse can learn how to challenge unbiblical or ungodly thinking and encourage a biblical perspective. Preachiness isn't welcome. Neither is nagging.

Helpful tip:  Guidance in marriage is a sometimes a matter of speaking truth in meekness and love to help our partner "sharpen" his life or to "lift" him out of error (Proverbs 27:17; Ecclesiastes 4:9-10); but be careful - other times it's wiser to overlook a fault (Proverbs 19:11). Many women find it helpful to ask "discernment" questions to help a partner consider behavior patterns or needed actions on their own. The Spirit of God can use our motivating (not manipulative) questions.

It's not about judging our partner. Before you share a word of "guidance," read I Corinthians 13:4-8a and examine your own heart. 

Want to be a help to your partner? Be ready with practical assistance, especially after you've offered biblical counsel. God may use you to encourage your partner's growth, but He may also want you to come alongside to assist. But never pressure your partner to change. It's God's work to renovate hearts.

And I think the most successful Christian marriages have another element ... and it's a characteristic for all Christians.

9. Glory to God: The couple realizes the marriage is more than "about us." It's about Him! (1 Corinthians 10:31) It's about God's design ... His purposes ... His glory.

What about your own marriage? Is there a new or stronger "Love Choice" you can make, starting today?

[Note to Christians in marriages of 30+ years ... are there other tips that have helped your marriage last for a lifetime? Please share them in the comments.]

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Ministries, is the creator of three blogs: Heart Choices Today, LOL with God (with Pam Farrel), and Upgrade with Dawn. In these ministries and as President of the San Diego chapter of Network of Evangelical Women in MInistry (NEWIM San Diego), Dawn encourages, edifies and energizes women with  scripture so they can better enjoy life, bless others and honor God. Dawn and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons and three granddaughters.

Married couple Image courtesy of photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net - adapted.

9 Ways to Cultivate 'Lifetime' Married Love - Part 1

Whether your marriage is picture perfect or marred with problems, one thing is for sure - Love that lasts for a lifetime doesn't just happen; and any of us who are married can UPGRADE our marriages. It's a choice!

For the Christian, it's a biblical choice, a choice that brings blessing.

Actually ...

A Christian 'Lifetime Marriage' is a series of daily choices wrapped around commitment and enabled by God's grace.

There are basic characteristics of a marriage that lasts.

I've observed a number of marriages over the years - some for almost 40 years - watching them for clues to their longevity. My marriage watching started long before I said my own "I do."

I traveled with a revival team, and we stayed in people's homes in each new church location. Whenever I got to know a new family, I decided to take note of what worked (and didn't work) in their Christian marriages, believing I'd walk the aisle myself someday. I felt it would be wise to learn from others' experiences - that maybe I'd make fewer marriage mistakes that way.

What I discovered were common threads woven through these "Christian Lifetime Marriages." Let me highlight the nine characteristics that influenced my own marriage the most:

1. God is first: Jesus instructed us to seek God first (Matthew 6:33), and this is instruction for every area of life, including marriage. Before husband and children and anyone else, God is in first place. He is the "glue" that holds a Christian marriage together, the source embraced for help and encouragement, the foundation for a solid relationship that creates purpose and stability.

The simple truth is, as each partner draws closer to the Lord, they are far more likely to draw closer to each other. There is strength in this.

2. Giving 100%: We are to love one another as Christ loved us (John 13:34); and His love is sacrificial.

At least one of the partners must understand the concept of total, sacrificial living and loving. It may take two to tangle, but it doesn't take two to make marriage a success. As long as one partner understands marriage is not about each partner giving 50% - but rather, total commitment - there is a good chance the marriage will survive, possibly even thrive.

When one of the spouses is an unbeliever, this can be tricky. But especially in the case of wives, a husband can be "won" (1 Peter 3:1) by his wife's behavior. (How? Surrender first to God, and He will enables you to love and respect your husband.) Giving 100% does not ever mean we must tolerate abuse, but it does mean we can consider ways to love our spouse with the love of Christ.

3. Growth and ability to adapt: Partners who stretch and grow as they "rub shoulders" with each other will contribute to a stable relationship. Growth comes as we adapt not only to changing circumstances, but also to changes in our spouse.

No one ever stays exactly the same in a relationship - people tend to change (for good or ill). We are wise if we allow our partner to flex new interests and concerns within a loving relationship. Give space for growth.

Communication is key. Be quick to "hear" (James 1:19). Take time to hear words; but don't forget to listen to your partner's heart. God may be doing a new work, giving a fresh perspective, and it's important in your relationship to "hear and understand." Ask questions. Listen and learn.

4. Granting freedom to fail: It's been said, "The friends we keep the longest are the friends who forgave us the most." There's a lot of forgiveness present in lifelong marriages. The Bible says, "bearing with one another ... forgiving one another" (Colossians 3:13), and encourages humility, gentleness and patience (Ephesians 4:2).

The wise partner forgives failings - granting grace. Don't miss the blessing of cutting your spouse some slack.

I’ve found the best approach is to glance regularly toward each other, and then gaze on Jesus!

(NOTE: This post will be continued tomorrow:  9 Ways to Cultivate 'Lifetime' Married Love - Part 2. In the meantime ... Take time to study the successful Lifetime Marriages around you.)

Do the Christian marriages you observe have all or some of these characteristics?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Ministries, is the creator of three blogs: Heart Choices Today, LOL with God (with Pam Farrel), and Upgrade with Dawn. In these ministries and as President of the San Diego chapter of Network of Evangelical Women in MInistry (NEWIM San Diego), Dawn encourages, edifies and energizes women with  scripture so they can better enjoy life, bless others and honor God. Dawn and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons and three granddaughters.