His Plimsoll Line

Pam Farrel, a relationship specialist with her husband Bill, often uses examples to help couples understand how to better love each other. In this early Valentine’s Day Marriage UPGRADE, she begins with a short history lesson.

“In the late 1800s,” Pam said, “Samuel Plimsoll discovered that nearly 1,000 sailors a year were being drowned on ships around British shores because ships were being overloaded.”

What’s that got to do with love? Stay tuned. I (Dawn) think Pam’s example is excellent!

Pam continues . . .

Plimsoll headed up a campaign to require that vessels bear a load line indicating when they were overloaded. The Plimsoll line is a mark located on a ship’s hull that indicates the maximum depth to which the vessel may be safely immersed when loaded with cargo.  

Your husband has a “Plimsoll line.” Load him up too much and his life or health or your relationship will sink.

You are the dock guard checking his “waterline” to keep him free from overwork, over commitment and over-the-top stressors.

One of my favorite verses of the Bible is a tiny phrase Boaz says to Ruth—a woman he is interested in romantically. Boaz said, “. . . all my people in the city know that you are a woman of excellence.”

This word “excellence” can be translated virtue, valor and valiant, and it’s the same word used of David’s mighty soldiers.

You are a warrior wife! God has called you to be a defender of your husband, your marriage and your family. 

There are three ways you can be a Warrior Wife:

1. Upgrade Your Attitude

How well do you know your husband’s stress? Is he carrying stress about his work (or lack of it), the kids, your finances, his health, your health, the church, the headlines and plight of evil in our society, those under his leadership, the community, the extended family, or a country or mission God has laid on his heart?

Colossians 3:12 encourages us to care:  “Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.”

2. Upgrade Your Understanding

To build empathy, often we need a better understanding of how our husband might process the stress of life.

In Men are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti, we layer on God’s foundational truth of Genesis 1:27—God made us male and female—and share that biology explains that men and women process stress differently.

We women talk our way through stress. When I am stressed my sister knows it, my mom knows it, my best friend knows it—the clerk at the grocery store will know it!

Men on the other hand, when they are stressed, the go to their favorite easy box to rest and recharge. But God helped us girls out so we can recognize these recharger boxes, most are actually shaped like boxes (like on a waffle): the TV, the garage, the football field, baseball diamond, basketball court, tennis court, pool table, soccer goal, the computer, the refrigerator and the bed!

In fact the bed box, that intimacy box is a favorite box for men to go to when they are all stressed out. It is kind of like the free square in the middle of a BINGO card—they can get there from every square on their waffle! 

3. Upgrade Your Creativity

Since Bill and I started teaching this, we developed a new code word for expressing our desire for intimacy. One of us might ask, “Want to play some Bingo?” (Just seeing a BINGO card in his brief case or on his desk lowers Bill’s stress!)

So, where does your man like to go when he is stressed:  Fishing, hunting, for a run, TV or a movie, sports, a hobby, the garage, surfing, boating? Some choices are healthier for managing stress than others. If you offer to schedule some R and R with some physical activity he enjoys, it might keep him away from the burger and fries—or another unhealthy habit that could put him in an early grave.

Ask him about his favorite pursuits, then schedule a visit to his “favorite boxes.”

Resources can help us focus. In Red-Hot Romance Tips for Wives, there are 26 traits to help you become a more loving wife, including this “virtuous” warrior for my man attitude.

Or join the Red Hot Wives Challenge. I will send you a daily inspiration for 26 days to arm you with more romantic ideas and ways to help when your man’s load is approaching the dangerous Plimsoll level. (See resource links at the end of this post.)

God is aware the life of a leader is stressful; and if we pray, God will give each of us the discernment we need to give the encouragement our man needs. 

Take a few minutes to think about the stresses your husband may be facing today. Is there anything you can do to lower his Plimsoll level?

Couple-Building Resources:

• Book - Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti
• Book - Red-Hot Romance Tips for Wives
• Challenge - Red Hot Wives Challenge.

Pam Farrel and her husband Bill are relationship experts, international speakers and authors of more than 40 books including Red Hot Monogamy: Making Your Marriage Sizzle; The Secret Language of Successful Couples; and Red Hot Romantic Tips for Women.” Visit their website, Love-Wise, for more information and resources, or Pam's blog.   

Let God 'Skim Off' Your Pride

Pam Farrel’s books for women have both encouraged and challenged me. This Attitude UPGRADE is one example of how God spoke through Pam to confront my own pride.

“One of the ugliest sins I ever had to confront was my own pride,” Pam wrote in Woman of Influence.

When I (Dawn) first read that, I thought: There are a lot of sins that are uglier than pride. But then the Holy Spirit started chiseling away on my own heart, showing me my own nasty pride. Pam’s right. It’s UGLY!

She continues …

Everywhere I turned, God was pointing out pride. All the illustrations I heard in sermons, all the topics at a conference I attended, all the conversations with other women of influence centered around pride.

I caught myself wondering how I could be guilty of pride, since so often I battled a self-confidence problem. Then God pointed out:  

Oversensitive low self-esteem is pride turned inside out!

When I battle low self-esteem, I am still focusing on me. I am concentrating on seeking approval and encouragement. My eyes are on my needs, when God wants my eyes on Him.

During that time, God brought to my mind all the ugly words I had never voiced but had thought.

• Why is she so rich when I have just as much talent?
• Why is she teaching when I know as much as she does?
• Why is God blessing that ministry with huge numbers instead of ours?

In my complaints, I was telling God that His plan was wrong and mine was right.

Pride made me play God in my own life.

My heart was broken over my sin. I got away to a private place with God; I fell to my knees and wept. I listed every good thing, every compliment I could remember, and I thanked God for what He had accomplished through me, or rather in spite of me.

When goldsmiths create pure gold, they heat up the fire, and the dross and impurities come to the surface. The goldsmiths skim off the impurities until they can see their own reflection in the gold.

The author of Proverbs says, "The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but the Lord tests the heart" (Proverbs 17:3).

God’s grace brought my pride to the surface to be skimmed off. I wanted the impurities taken out of my life until people could see God in me.

Afterward, I wanted to keep my confession between God and myself, but God stoked up the fire again. I felt that He wanted me to openly confess my hidden sin of pride. I was afraid of the criticism my confession would bring on me. After all, I was a leader. I should have dealt with pride long ago.

God showed me when He wanted me to confess, and to whom.

I was discipling a small group of women leaders, and I shared my confession and restoration with them. Later, on a Sunday night, I stood up in front of our congregation during a share time and told the highlights of what I had learned from God.

I knew then I was free, because I didn’t care if they thought less of me; God had accepted me by His grace. My slate was clean.

I did hear some criticism through the grapevine, but mostly I felt personal relief for a burden laid down.

And there was another benefit: a new transparency developed in those who were following my leadership. Because I was honest enough to expose the ugliness of my sin, others felt free to ask for help with hidden areas they had battled for years.

Do you struggle with the ugliness of pride? Bring it to God and allow Him to skim it off and give you a pure, humble heart.

Pam Farrel  with her husband Bill, are  international speakers, and authors of over 40 books including best-selling Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti, Woman of Influence, 10 Best Decisions a Woman Can Make, 10 Secrets to Living Smart, Savvy and Strong, and her newest, Becoming a Brave New Woman. The Farrels, married 35 years, are relationship specialists who help people become “Love-Wise ."

Upgrade Your Graduate's Life

In one year, Pam Farrel and her husband had two kids (a son and daughter-in-law) graduate with a Master’s degree, a middle son graduate from university, and a son graduate high school. So how did they celebrate? They wrote The 10 Best Decisions a Graduate Can Make!

“We prepared our children for higher education,” Pam said, “by setting aside five ‘dinner and dialogue’ times to discuss key questions.”

Choices are a big part of this UPGRADE blog, so I asked Pam to share how she and her husband encouraged their kids’ wise thinking and choices.

She continues …

We wanted to give them a strong “freshman foundation” for an upgraded future!

Here are the key areas we discussed: The 5 Points of a Shining Star Future.

1. Fitness

We decided to start with what was least emotionally volatile—how to stay in shape emotionally, physically, relationally and spiritually in college. A physically strong body makes for an alert and teachable mind. Help your young adult think and pray through housing options and roommates. Where will they succeed emotionally, spiritually, physically and socially?

Can your young person even afford to go away to college, or is living at home for two years a better option—attending junior college and working to save for the second two years? In this case, talk through house rules with this new “adult” under your roof. Have your student prayerfully list their priorities and rank each variable.

If living in a dorm, how will they stay physically fit and not gain “freshman weight”? Handle stress? Deal with Homesickness? What is the plan for health insurance, doctor and dental visits and vitamins? What’s their work, sleep and study schedule?  

2. Finances

Discuss funding. How much will you contribute to education? How much scholarship money is available? Savings? Loans? Grants? How much can he or she work and still achieve well in school?

Introduce the student to the campus financial aid office. Have him or her write a budget, which encourages tithing. Money Management for College Students is a helpful resource from Crown Financial ministries. 

In our family, college is a privilege, not a right.

 Parental help is in direct correlation to growth we see in our kids’ moral, spiritual and community life. We will not fund sin.

Drinking, drug use, irresponsible behavior, having sex outside of marriage, not attending church and not being involved in an on-campus Christian group are all reasons for us to withdraw financial support. 

3. Future

Discuss career goals, internships, work experience, skill, talent and vocational inventory tests and surveys. Life Pathways by Crown Christian Financial Ministry is relatively in expensive comprehensive inventory (www.cfcministry.org).  

When will you expect a declared major?

Help your student research schools with the best reputation in their field. Clubs and organizations can also benefit a career path; and businesses near the university, study abroad, and volunteering can extend employment opportunities.

Discuss how to develop relationships with professors, and use of academic counseling and the college catalog to create a plan for graduation. Be honest about what leadership skills and areas of personal growth they still need to develop, and brainstorm together about how they can learn and acquire those skills. 

4. Friends

Relationships are the centerpiece of a college student’s life. We had lunch dates with our sons to discuss dating standards, how to find friendships with people of similar values, and how to find mentors and reliable leaders to follow. We discussed how our relationship with them would going to change; and we helped facilitate this transition by giving them increased responsibilities.

We also brainstormed with them ways to expand their social circle to gain a broader world view—to spend time with people from a variety of socio-economic backgrounds, cultures and countries. We encouraged wise review of campus clubs, organizations and social options.

5. Foundations

This concerns the important spiritual decisions for their future. Honoring God is key.

Our family motto is: "Those who honor God, God honors" (1 Samuel 2:30).

Ask how they intend to finding a local church to attend. What campus groups will they join? What factors will make up their decisions? (Having a doctrinal statement available and seeking your pastor’s or youth pastor’s opinion is also a wise option.)

Encourage church choice based not just on what they can get from the church, but also what they can give to the church—a place to serve, use their gifts, and mature. Focus on your student’s personal walk with God.

To UPGRADE your grad:  Walk alongside your young adult until he or she is solidly walking alongside God.

Which of these areas needs some extra attention before your grad leaves home? It’s not too late! Ask the Lord to help you.

Pam Farrel and her husband Bill are authors of more than 38 books. Their three sons—all college graduates now—love and serve Christ. To order their graduation book, 10 Best Decisions a Grad Can Make, visit www.Love-Wise.com.

When Hubby's Quirks Annoy You

In Pam Farrel’s book, 52 Ways to Wow Your Husband, she tells women “how to make this year the best year of your man’s life.” Pam and her husband are relationship specialists, and they freely share how they apply marriage principles as a couple.

“My husband, Bill, loves his coffee,” Pam says, “But along with Bill’s love of coffee, he also has a habit that could be very annoying—that is his aversion to get the coffee mugs into the dishwasher.”

I think every wife has a “this really bugs me” issue in marriage, whether it’s laundry that doesn’t make it to the basket, dishes that don’t make it to the kitchen sink, or something as simple as the way toilet paper hangs. Pam offers two creative ways to get past the annoyances and Upgrade our marriages—but I think it’s also good advice for any relationship!

She continues …

I find coffee cups every place imaginable: in the garage, in the car, in the truck, in the closet, on the sidewalk, on the deck and patio, in the shop, in the office, on the stairwell, in the bathroom—you name it, and I have likely found a coffee cup there.

It is a good thing that we are authors and speakers, because we love collecting the coffee mugs from all the churches we speak at and all the TV and radio shows we appear on—and we need every one of them!

How did I handle the mugs issue? I am not a coffee drinker really. I might drink a non-fat latte, but for the most part coffee makes my heart race, and I prefer that only Bill makes my heart skip a beat! Bill says that I am naturally caffeinated by God and it takes Bill drinking three cups of coffee just to keep up with my energy.

On the other hand, Bill has an internal homing device that helps him spot a Starbucks green awning! 

Two choices you can make when something annoys you about your mate:

(1) Appreciate the Difference. Coffee is a part of what makes Bill—well, Bill! One day, as we were preparing to move homes, I was doing that “last load of dishes” and I realized it was composed of all coffee mugs! Forty-seven of them to be exact!

It made me smile because years ago, I decided to pray for Bill every time I saw one of his empty, displaced mugs.

I was seeking to apply the principle, “love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).

I have embraced the ever-reappearing dirty coffee mug with fond affection, because it reminds me of my hard workin’ man who requires caffeine to do all the wonderful acts of service that benefit so many, including me.

2. Celebrate the Difference! For Bill’s 50^th birthday we celebrated by having Bill select, then roast, his own brand of coffee. It took one afternoon to visit a coffee farm, select the beans, roast it to perfection, then design the label. I knew I had a winning date as he sat, lingered a moment to savor the aroma of his Farrel Family blend of Mountain Thunder Vienna roast. He took a sip, then I watched a big grin appear on my husband’s well-caffeinated soul. 

The prayer I hope every woman prays is this:  God, if anyone I love has something that is driving me crazy, help me look for the upside—the flipside of that thing—so I see my family and friends closer to how you see them. Help me desire to bless them. Give me creative ways to express my love when I am irritated. Amen. 

Today, take that thing that is driving you crazy about your husband (sibling, parent, roommate, co-worker) and after praying for that person, look for a way to celebrate him (her).

And if you are married, step out and create a date to WOW him!

Put yourself in your husband’s shoes. How would you want your husband to treat you when some habit, quirk or personality trait is bugging him?

Pam Farrel, along with her husband Bill, speak internationally and are authors of more than 35 books including best-selling Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti, Woman of Influence, 10 Best Decisions a Woman Can Make, 10 Secrets to Living Smart, Savvy and Strong, 52 Ways to Wow Your Husband and her newest, Becoming a Brave New Woman. Married 33 years, the Farrels are relationship specialists who help people become “Love-Wise.” These San Diegans are parents to three children—two married sons—and three grandchildren.

The Treasure of Your Child.

My friend Pam Farrel’s stories about her family have encouraged moms everywhere; and they have encouraged me. This one, a special Upgrade "UPLIFT," reminds us that every child is valuable—a precious creation of God. 

“Ever feel at the end of yourself as a mom?” Pam writes. “Yeah, me too!”

(Oh, I can’t even begin to tell you how many “You’re on my last nerve!” days I had as a young mom. I wish I’d had Pam’s resources back then.)

Pam continues …

One day, our then 8-year-old son Zach came into the house from playing outside with his brothers, Brock and Caleb. His brothers, were in tears. Zach was beating on them again! (Zach had a medical issue and a learning disability and wasn’t very verbal so when frustrated he used his fists.)

 “Zach,” I bent down and whispered intently into his face, “You cannot do this. Hitting is inappropriate. Go upstairs and I will come up to talk to you.”

Zach stomped up the stairs, knocking his brothers over in the process. He slammed the door to his room and threw a baseball at it, knocking a hole through the door as I walked in. I had bounded up the stairs just behind him.

I prayed all the way up the stairs because I had made a commitment to never discipline in anger. But I wasn’t angry. I was scared - scared for my son.

I walked into the room, bent down so I was eye to eye with him and said firmly but calmly, “Zachery, this is inappropriate. I know you are angry. I know you are upset. But you cannot use your fists to show it. You have got to learn to use words to express your feelings.”

(I was thinking in my mind, If you act like this no one will ever marry you and you are going to live with me forever! Use words!)

Zach exploded and yelled back at me, hands on his hips: “You want words? You want words? Then I hate myself and I hate my life and if God made me, I hate Him too!”

I was stood in shocked silence. I simply replied in a whisper, “I’ll be right back.”

I ran to my room in tears. I threw myself across my bed and desperately prayed to God, “Lord, I am a pastor’s wife, Director of Women’s Ministry, I write all these Christian books and I am raising a little atheist upstairs—I need HELP! I am so afraid for Zachery. I don’t know what to do. All I do know is that Psalm 139 says he is “fearfully and wonderfully made” [Psalm 139:13-14].

“I believe that. I believe there is a gift, a treasure, that You place in each and every one of us. But God, Zach is so angry he cannot see the treasure. Help me help him see that treasure!”

Then the idea came. I ran to the office and pulled out a piece of poster board. I drew a treasure map on it and a treasure chest at one end, glued a quarter or two onto the map, and marched myself back upstairs where Zach stood, just as I had left him.

“Zach, here’s the deal. You and I are going to go on an adventure. See, God has placed a treasure, a special unique­ness inside every person. There is a treasure in you, Zach!” (I said by faith!) “You and I and God are going on a treasure hunt to discover that hidden treasure.

“So here’s the plan. I am going to ask you every day to name one thing positive about your day and one thing you think you did well. Then, once a week, you and I are going on a breakfast date and we’re going to talk about what we see God is showing you about the treasure inside you. We’re going to do this for at least six weeks and at the end of that time, I am going to invest money in the treasure God has shown is in you. Zach, you are a special guy. We all love you, and God loves you most of all. Let’s ask God to help us discover your treasure.”

“Zach, what’s one thing pos­itive that happened today? Let’s write it down.”

Zach had a chronic Eyore-like attitude so he said, “It’s hopeless, it’s never going to work.”

I spoke for him, “Honey, you are alive.” (I was holding back my own frustration because I was sarcastically thinking, Yep, you are alive—because I haven’t killed you from sheer frustration, kid! But God miraculously replaced my frustration with compassion.)

I wrapped my arms around that sullen, stiff little body and whispered, “You are God’s treasure!”

Then a miracle happened. Zach started bringing me the treasure map to excitedly list off all the great things he was seeing in himself. At the end of those six weeks, we discovered that relationships were the key to unlocking Zach’s heart, so for years we budgeted funds to send a friend with him to concerts, camps, workshops, etc. so they could grow with God and make good decisions together.

Fast forward, now about 18 years later, and that same son graduated with a Master’s Degree in Exercise Science (with honors) and was hired the day he graduated as a Strength Coach for a Division 1 university. On June 22, 2012, Zach did get married to a beautiful, godly woman who values the treasure of Zach! Miracles happen when you look for the treasure!

Do you see the treasure in your child? Your grandchild? Ask the Lord to give you insight.

Pam Farrel and her husband Bill are international speakers, and authors of more than 38 books including the best-selling 10 Best Decisions a Parent Can Make. (This is an excerpt from that book.) Many other tools the Farrels used with their children to help them reach their potential are also included the book. Additional free relationship and parenting articles, the Treasure of Your Child Treasure Map, and other books and resources can be found at www.Love-Wise.com.