How to Earn the Right to Share Your Story

Maria Keckler is a natural coach. She offers keen counsel to help build bridges in ministry, leadership and personal relationships—an UPGRADE of great importance!

“Empathy,” Maria says, “is the ability to stand in our audience’s shoes, see through their eyes, think through their perspective, and feel with their hearts.”

Have you ever seen an empathetic person in action? I (Dawn) have. She was selfless and genuinely concerned, fully engaged—heart and mind. She listened until she understood! “What a gift,” I thought.

Maria continues ...

Jesus is empathy personified. God wrapped himself in flesh and walked the earth as a man and can forever say,

“I know what it’s like to be you. I know how it feels to be tempted, to lose someone you love, to endure rejection and physical pain.”

And isn’t that why you listen to Jesus—to His story? You know He cares about you because He knows what it’s like to be you.

Empathetic Listening Unlocks the Heart

I’ll never forget a time my husband was facilitating a group listening activity in which participants were asked to pair up. The “listener” was instructed to ask personal questions in order to better understand what his or her communication partner cared deeply about. The “listener” had to be attentive and couldn’t interrupt until the person sharing was completely finished.

Half way through the activity, a woman excused herself and walked out of the room. Later, she shared privately that it was out of character for her to be so emotional—especially in public—but it was the first time in her adult life she felt truly heard.

Empathetic listening is a gift and a choice, but one of the most neglected practices today.

When we are:

• Listening in order to have a chance to respond ...
• Listening to quickly insert our own story ... 
• Listening to find a “sin” we can address with a Bible story ...
• Listening with contempt ... 

... these forms of listening are NOT empathetic listening and will get in the way when we finally get the chance to share our story.

Earning an Invitation to Share

My friend Diane Szuch earns the right to share her story with women whose joy has been stolen and heart has been broken at the feet of sexual abuse, because she first listens to them with extraordinary empathy—and so can you.

What does empathetic listening look like?

The traditional Chinese symbol for listening gives us the clues to empathetic listening. It contains the characters for ears, eyes, attention (mind), heart, and king. In other words, we are to listen fully engaged as in the presence of the king.

In practical terms…

1. Be fully present. Put away the phone.
2. Listen with your eyes. Make eye contact, but don’t be creepy about it. Natural eye contact is not a staring contest.
3. Listen with your body. Lean in, nod and affirm.
4. Listen with your heart. Withhold judgment.
5. Convey empathy. Offer neutral but authentic acknowledgement remarks to indicate you are present. (Really! Wow! Mmm ... Oh my!)
6. Embrace silence. Silence can be one of the most powerful elements of a conversation, opening doors to vulnerability and intimacy.

There are many times we are ready and eager to share our story, but the right opportunity never seems to come.  But you can turn things around today!

How can listening more—and more empathically—help you build a bridge to the hearts of those God has put in your path? 

Maria Keckler has been coaching married couples (with her husband) for more than 15 years. They’re teaching leaders at Shadow Mountain Community Church. Maria is an executive coach, corporate trainer, and the author of Bridge-Builders: How Superb Communicators Get What They Want in Business and in Life. She invites readers to follow her blog and purchase her book.

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of Serge Bertasius Photography at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

How to Minister When There's 'No Time' for Ministry

Melissa Mashburn's insights into Ministry and Leadership are refreshing and practical, as is evident in this UPGRADE.

“I’m late, I’m late, for a very important date,” Melissa says.

Does that sound familiar? I (Dawn) always used to feel pressed for time and often—to my shame—cut out ministry opportunities. Thankfully, the Lord showed me some of the wisdom Melissa talks about today!

She continues . . .

Do you remember the rabbit from Alice in Wonderland? You know the one, he was always running around in a flurry of activity. I can remember being put off that this silly rabbit who was always dressed up and looking so sporty. Within a blink the rabbit was off to wherever else he needed to be at that moment. He left and along with him a rush of anxiety passing right on by as well.

In the busyness of ministry, we can sometimes find ourselves stuck in a vicious cycle of running.

Hoping, dreaming and praying to be purposeful and effective in our ministries, we need to stop and remember we can’t do everything for everyone, but we can do something for one.

Everything was a whirlwind when rabbit was around, and yet, if we are honest for a moment, there are probably a few of us who are just like rabbit. Oh, we don’t mean to, of course, but the demands of ministry and family life can keep us bustling about our days just like that rabbit.

You look at the calendar and see it is overcrowded. Then you get a call from a woman who needs someone to talk to about a crisis in her life. The next “free” minute on your calendar is two weeks away and you're left in that space of “what am I supposed to do now, Lord?”

Oh, my friend, how I can relate to this. I have been in this very spot many times in my fifteen years of  ministry, and I want to share a few things I’ve learned along the way.

Here are three things to help you to minister when there’s “no time” for ministry:

1. Always first, go to God in prayer and ask for His help.

"Hear my prayer, O Lord;  give ear to my pleas for mercy! In your faithfulness answer me, in your righteousness!" (Psalm 143:1, ESV)

There is no way for us to be able to make sense of our already crazy schedules on our own. By seeking His guidance and mercy from the get go, we release ourselves from trying to “fix it.”

2. Ask God specifically what the next step is for you.

"The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives" (Psalm 37:23, NLT).

When frazzled by the demands of ministry, I have to stop and ask Him very directly and clearly, "What is the next step?"

What’s the most important thing God wants me to do—not what I like to do or what I’m good at, but what has He specifically planned for me.

3. Do for one what you wish you could do for all.

 "For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers,  you did it to me" (Matthew 25:35-40, ESV).

Listen, ministry is not a nine to five job. We both know that. It can be demanding and overwhelming, but it can also be incredibly simple at times.

Do for one what you wish you could do for all is simply this . . . be fully present where you are at that very moment.

If you are:

• at the grocery store, be a friendly face to the cashier.
• in the lobby at your church and you see a new face, go up and introduce yourself—welcome them.
• in the carline and someone cuts you off, let it go and let them get in front of you.
• get an email from someone who is hurting, stop and pray for them right that moment.

Ministry doesn’t have to happen the way we always think it should. Sometimes we just have to be prepared to slow down the crazy rabbit in our lives and let God show us what’s next.

What can you do today to minister to others even though there’s not always time for ministry?

Melissa Mashburn passionately pursues God daily, taking her ordinary life and placing it as her offering to Him. She is an author, speaker, mom, pastor’s wife, and trained communicator through CLASSeminars, with extensive background in Womens, Kids and Volunteer Ministry. Her passion is helping women “keep it real” in their lives and ministries. Melissa is married to her best friend, Matt (22 years) and they have two adult sons, Nick & Bailey. She loves to relax with a great book and giant cup of coffee. You can find her at Melissa Mashburn: Real Women. Real Life. Real Faith.

Façades: Laying Down the Mask

With the rise of Facebook, people always see our better side, but do we really minister to people that way? Melissa Mashburn encourages us to lay down our phony masks in this Ministry UPGRADE.

“Ministry is tough,” Melissa says. “I get it. But it’s time we start to lay down the masks and put away the façades so people can see us—the real us—the us that Jesus has changed.”

 Oh, how I (Dawn) have seen this issue hinder relationships and ministry in the church. Jesus is calling us to get real!

Melissa continues . . .

 If you’ve spent any time in ministry, especially with women, chances are you’ve been hurt, burned, back-stabbed or misunderstood.

It’s painful. It’s brutal. It flat out sucks the wind from your sails. And in order to protect yourself from getting hurt again, you put up a façade.

Chances are you probably don’t even remember when you started to wear that mask, but to protect your heart, you did.

I did it too. After fifteen years in ministry, I have seen it all, experienced a lot of incredibly tough stuff and had my heart broken many times.

I built a protective barrier around myself—the façade—in order to keep people from getting close to the real me.

In doing so, though, I also kept myself completely isolated. That led to feelings of loneliness, isolation and, at times, even depression. It wasn’t until about six years ago I decided to lay down the mask and let God show me how to put away the façade.

Paul told the Roman Christians,

“Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other” (Romans 12:9-10 NLT).

In other words, God tells us,

“Lay down your mask! Get real! Love people!”

If you are struggling with this like I have, here are a few things to help you as you learn to lay down your mask.

1. Pray First

Ask God to open your heart and allow you the opportunity to just be you. Ask Him to be your protector, and to also bring you a few truly special, safe friends who can come around you as you take these steps.

2. Talk to Your Spouse or Close Family Member

If you’re married, talk it over with your spouse. Ask him to be a part of the process with you and seek out his prayers.

If you’re not married, talk it over with a close family member who understands you and your struggle to be more authentic in ministry.

3. Talk to Your Pastor

If you’re in ministry at a local church, I encourage you to talk it over with your pastor. Ask him to pray for you as you step into new territory in ministry.

This takes another step of vulnerability. I understand that. But by bringing your pastor in on this process, he can help you venture into new territory.

4. Give Yourself Time

If you’ve been in ministry for more than ten years, you’ve probably slowly built up the façade. It’s not going to just disappear; it will take time.

Make sure you allow yourself time to release years of protective layers around your heart.

5. Give It All Back to God

Whatever steps you make, and however long it takes, if God has called you to ministry, He has equipped you to do it as well.

Celebrate the small steps. Give Him all the glory and continue moving forward.

I know it’s not going to be easy—it wasn’t for me either—but the women God has brought into our lives are desperate for women in ministry to be real, to show them what it is like to live out ordinary lives with God at the forefront.

Let’s take this step together and see what God will do.

Are you wearing a mask today? What is keeping you behind the façade? What will you do to “get real” so God can minister through your transformed life?

Melissa Mashburn passionately pursues God daily, taking her ordinary life and placing it as her offering to Him. She is an author, speaker, mom, pastor’s wife and trained communicator through CLASSeminars, with extensive background in Womens, Kids and Volunteer Ministry. Her passion is helping women “keep it real” in their lives and ministries. Melissa is married to her best friend, Matt (22 years) and they have two adult sons, Nick & Bailey. She loves to relax with a great book and giant cup of coffee. You can find her at Melissa Mashburn: Real Women. Real Life. Real Faith.

Bear One Another's Burdens

Just a passing thought to UPGRADE your Christmas. Think of all the ways you can bear someone's burdens and brighten their days. This isn't just for Christmas, of course, but it's a powerful way to share Jesus' love while people are even more open to acts of kindness.

"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ"  (Galatians 6:2, ESV).

Beary Christmas!

Why Go to a Christian Women's Conference?

Why should you go to a Christian woman’s conference? In this Spiritual UPGRADE, Dawn Wilson tackles that “why.”

Women go to women’s Christian conferences for a variety of reasons.

 They might go …

• for some light entertainment,
• for a deep worship experience,
• to rub shoulders with or hear Christian “celebrities,”
• for a “camp-out” experience—rooming with women for some “fun and fellowship,”
• to open up to and learn from their girlfriends,
• to add to their understanding of themselves—seeking a giant self-help opportunity,
• for a change of pace (maybe some activity or some time to sleep!),
• to search for answers to a problem,
• to “escape” something “back home” for a while,
• because they have a free ticket… or free airfare! (in other words, a financial incentive),
• etc., etc., etc.

Some women avoid “women’s seminars” like the plague! And I do the same sometimes. There are some Christian women’s conferences you couldn’t pay me to attend. I consider them an enormous waste of time. They are either unbiblical, all about self-help, or do not help me in my walk with God.

Others are OK ... but not for me. They're just fluff, crafts and soft-pitch stories. There are many ways to “dress up” a conference or seminar for fun or to pull at the heart-strings. And don't get me wrong, I love crafts, stories and other "fluffy" things.

But what I’ve heard many women saying includes: 

“I’m soul hungry – I need more than warm fuzzies” … “I need to refocus with less thoughts about myself and more time with God” … “I’m so tired, and I need refreshing in the Word” … “I want solid truth - more than the self-help messages the world has to offer … “I want some encouragement for my ministry” … “I need biblical solutions for real problems.”

A woman (at a conference) told me recently,

“I don’t want silly stuff, and I don't want to be ‘blasted’ with heavy stuff. I just want to know how to live out what Jesus already accomplished for me ... the life-changing stuff!"

Amen, Sister!

A women’s conference or seminar should offer some milk for new believers, but also plenty of meat for the more mature. It must go beyond sentimental stories to a greater agenda: helping women better grasp the Good News—the most important story of all—and the implications of the gospel in practical living.

So … WHY GO to a Christian women’s conference?

1. To see your great need of Jesus. He came for sinners, and He is the Author of abundant life for all who place their faith in Him. (Luke 5:32; Acts 3:19; John 10:10b)

2. To understand the power of the cross, embrace the resurrection, and learn how to apply both in life, family, church and ministry. (1 Corinthians 1:18; Philippians 1:21; Colossians 3:1-4)

3. To learn how to identify with and abide in Christ. To understand your identity, security and dignity in Him. (Romans 6:11; 8:29; John 15:5).

4. To see Jesus in all His glory—the One who is all-sufficient for our needs. (John 1:14; 2 Corinthians 3:5)

5. And to do all this in the context of biblical, edifying speakers (2 Timothy 3:16; Ephesians 4:14; Romans 16:17-18; Galatians 1:8-9; Romans 14:19; Ephesians 4:12) and encouraging Christian sisterhood! (1 Thessalonians 5:11; Hebrews 10:24).

That’s the kind of conference I love. And that’s the kind of conference I will always seek out and promote. (I have some friends who are powerful conference speakers.)

At the moment, I am in the middle of the True Woman ’14 national conference, an outreach of Revive Our Hearts. It is so worthwhile. I'm already hearing powerful testimonies. God is opening women’s eyes and changing their hearts.

You can JOIN THE LIVE STREAM of the conference messages here, October 9-11. (NOTE: I will be commenting on the Live Feed! Tune in!)

What is the last women’s conference you attended? What did you learn that you still practice today?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Ministries, is the creator of three blogs: Heart Choices Today, LOL with God (with Pam Farrel), and Upgrade bwith Dawn. She is the President of the San Diego chapter of Network of Evangelical Women in MInistry (NEWIM San Diego). Dawn is the co-author of LOL with God and contributed "The Blessing Basket" in It's a God Thing. She and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.