Upgrade Your Graduate's Life

In one year, Pam Farrel and her husband had two kids (a son and daughter-in-law) graduate with a Master’s degree, a middle son graduate from university, and a son graduate high school. So how did they celebrate? They wrote The 10 Best Decisions a Graduate Can Make!

“We prepared our children for higher education,” Pam said, “by setting aside five ‘dinner and dialogue’ times to discuss key questions.”

Choices are a big part of this UPGRADE blog, so I asked Pam to share how she and her husband encouraged their kids’ wise thinking and choices.

She continues …

We wanted to give them a strong “freshman foundation” for an upgraded future!

Here are the key areas we discussed: The 5 Points of a Shining Star Future.

1. Fitness

We decided to start with what was least emotionally volatile—how to stay in shape emotionally, physically, relationally and spiritually in college. A physically strong body makes for an alert and teachable mind. Help your young adult think and pray through housing options and roommates. Where will they succeed emotionally, spiritually, physically and socially?

Can your young person even afford to go away to college, or is living at home for two years a better option—attending junior college and working to save for the second two years? In this case, talk through house rules with this new “adult” under your roof. Have your student prayerfully list their priorities and rank each variable.

If living in a dorm, how will they stay physically fit and not gain “freshman weight”? Handle stress? Deal with Homesickness? What is the plan for health insurance, doctor and dental visits and vitamins? What’s their work, sleep and study schedule?  

2. Finances

Discuss funding. How much will you contribute to education? How much scholarship money is available? Savings? Loans? Grants? How much can he or she work and still achieve well in school?

Introduce the student to the campus financial aid office. Have him or her write a budget, which encourages tithing. Money Management for College Students is a helpful resource from Crown Financial ministries. 

In our family, college is a privilege, not a right.

 Parental help is in direct correlation to growth we see in our kids’ moral, spiritual and community life. We will not fund sin.

Drinking, drug use, irresponsible behavior, having sex outside of marriage, not attending church and not being involved in an on-campus Christian group are all reasons for us to withdraw financial support. 

3. Future

Discuss career goals, internships, work experience, skill, talent and vocational inventory tests and surveys. Life Pathways by Crown Christian Financial Ministry is relatively in expensive comprehensive inventory (www.cfcministry.org).  

When will you expect a declared major?

Help your student research schools with the best reputation in their field. Clubs and organizations can also benefit a career path; and businesses near the university, study abroad, and volunteering can extend employment opportunities.

Discuss how to develop relationships with professors, and use of academic counseling and the college catalog to create a plan for graduation. Be honest about what leadership skills and areas of personal growth they still need to develop, and brainstorm together about how they can learn and acquire those skills. 

4. Friends

Relationships are the centerpiece of a college student’s life. We had lunch dates with our sons to discuss dating standards, how to find friendships with people of similar values, and how to find mentors and reliable leaders to follow. We discussed how our relationship with them would going to change; and we helped facilitate this transition by giving them increased responsibilities.

We also brainstormed with them ways to expand their social circle to gain a broader world view—to spend time with people from a variety of socio-economic backgrounds, cultures and countries. We encouraged wise review of campus clubs, organizations and social options.

5. Foundations

This concerns the important spiritual decisions for their future. Honoring God is key.

Our family motto is: "Those who honor God, God honors" (1 Samuel 2:30).

Ask how they intend to finding a local church to attend. What campus groups will they join? What factors will make up their decisions? (Having a doctrinal statement available and seeking your pastor’s or youth pastor’s opinion is also a wise option.)

Encourage church choice based not just on what they can get from the church, but also what they can give to the church—a place to serve, use their gifts, and mature. Focus on your student’s personal walk with God.

To UPGRADE your grad:  Walk alongside your young adult until he or she is solidly walking alongside God.

Which of these areas needs some extra attention before your grad leaves home? It’s not too late! Ask the Lord to help you.

Pam Farrel and her husband Bill are authors of more than 38 books. Their three sons—all college graduates now—love and serve Christ. To order their graduation book, 10 Best Decisions a Grad Can Make, visit www.Love-Wise.com.

Reframing What 'Drives You Nuts' in Marriage

I "met" Laurie Wallin on a post at The M.O.M. Inititative, and had to laugh when I saw the title of her book, Why Your Weirdness Is Wonderful. My kind of author, I thought. I asked Laurie to share two posts. This first post, a Marriage UPGRADE, addresses how we can deal with "quirks" in marriage.

"When our quirks clash with someone else’s," Laurie said, "asking the right questions can take that relationship beyond survival mode to thriving mode."

A personal story about burned biscuits come to mind, but I [Dawn] will save that for a post of my own. Suffice it to say, I had to learn to dwell with my husband according to knowledge, and learn how to be kind and prudent! (Ephesians 4:32; Proverbs 8:12)

Laurie continues ...

Years ago, my husband walked into the kitchen when he got home from work and said something that almost blew up our marriage: “Honey, let’s rearrange the kitchen cabinets. What if we put the glasses in this one? And—”

The spatula whizzing by his face interrupted him.

Wiping my hair out of my new-mom, when-was-my-last-shower face, I took mental inventory: dinner on the stove, preschool World Wrestling Federation ensuing, a crying baby wrapped in a sling around my torso, and the man wants to add a task to my life? His suggestion seemed so insensitive, so clueless, so hurtful to a mom of two then foster kids who was still trying to figure out which way was up.

It was that tense place where my love for knowing and living our personal strengths was born.

On the recommendation of a friend that same week, I’d done some reading and work to figure out my strengths. And that’s when the miracle happened: I realized my husband must have strengths too! (Yeah, I know. How can that be, with the comment about the cabinets?)

But it was true. And that moment—that realization—saved my marriage. It opened my eyes to the two questions that can make any relationship great:

• What strength is my partner trying to live right now?
• How can I see it so we’re on the same team? (What did that look like practically?)

To start, I had to figure out which one of my quirks was annoyed at which one of his. By following my resentment trail, I found the culprit. Each time he brainstormed ideas and shared them with me, I was automatically thinking, I have to do that. Right now.

That response revealed the offended quirk: my “get ’er done” strength. It was mistranslating his think-of-ideas strength as a demand and a plan of action. On top of it all, my make-a-difference strength was offended because when he offered a suggestion for organizing the kitchen, I was hearing that as “You aren’t a good organizer for our family.”

From there, away I went on the crazy train!

That’s where the second step came in. I asked myself, How can I see it so we’re back on the same team? Even asking the question put me in a posture of noticing and working with our commonalities instead of being run over by our differences. Turns out if I asked him, “Is this a fully baked [that is, get ’er done] idea? Or is it still pondering?” his ideas didn’t get on my nerves nearly as often!

It shocked me how many times he answered the latter, and I realized how often my get-it-done assumption was getting us in trouble. Over time, I learned to relax when he thought out loud, to see it as his mind and heart working as God designed: a beautiful gift of creativity and imagination.

When our quirks clash with someone else’s, asking the right questions can take that relationship beyond survival mode to thriving mode.

Next time your spouse’s quirks rub you the wrong way, isn’t it worth holding off throwing that spatula long enough to ask these questions that help the “yours, mine, and ours” weirdness to be wonderful together?

Which of your spouse’s quirks most often clash with your own? How might you use the questions above to shift from “me versus you” to “us versus issue” next time conflict arises?

NOTE: To enter a 5/16/14 drawing for Laurie's book, Why Your Weirdness Is Wonderful:  (1) Share how God helped you overcome your own marriage quirk ... OR (2) share how you and your spouse (or co-worker or friend) learned to operate in each other's strengths (for better teamwork).

Laurie Wallin is a Christian speaker and certified Life Coach. She's helped women worldwide regain joy and confidence by letting go of energy drainers and using their God-inspired strengths.  Her new book is Why Your Weirdness Is Wonderful. Laurie, her husband and their four daughters make their home in San Diego.

The Woman I Call Mom

I've watched my niece, Jamie Thompson Wood, grow from being my sons' childhood playmate to an incredible woman of God. She's a God-fearing young woman worthy of praise (Proverbs 31:30b). I know this transformation doesn't just happen. In Jamie's case, her parents played a huge part in her development.

I asked Jamie to share this Mother's Day tribute (Proverbs 31:28a) to her mom, Janice Thompson - an UPGRADE Partner who writes about finances. I know Jamie's brother David would echo the same kind of love and respect for their mother, but I want you to hear Jamie's heart.

She wrote ...

When I think of my mom, I think of:

• heart-to-heart talks over hot tea,
• kneeling down together by my bed each night growing up to read Oswald Chambers’ My Utmost For His Highest,
• a silly song that when played over the radio instantly connects us across the miles and time zones,
• crawling into her bed late at night as a teenager to share details, details, details after returning from a date, and
• a woman who singlehandedly embodies the picture of wisdom, intentionality, and a life lived in faithful obedience to God. 

Mom is a woman on a God-ordained mission with an unparalleled tenacity to live into the fullness of what God has for her. 

She has modeled for me what it looks like to hear from God and then follow His leading. 

She taught me though her life what it looks like to: love your spouse well, put your family first, plan for the future, see money as a tool and not a master, and balance the many hats a woman wears with grace and strength.

To many, she’s a sought after business professional, to others she’s a confidante and a source of wise counsel, and to yet others, she’s a friend. 

But I am one of two on this entire earth who get the high privilege of calling her "Mom." 

I pray God gives me the strength and faithfulness to walk in a way that honors her model and maybe someday, I will hear someone say, “You remind me of your mom.” 

That will be a very good day.

If you are a woman, you are likely a "mom" to someone, by parenting or by influence. Are you living worthy of a tribute? Your daughter (or spiritual daughter) is watching your life. May God encourage all of us "Moms" to be careful as we shape young lives.

Jamie Wood was born into a Pastor’s family and desires to disciple women for Christ. She has served as a conference planner for Anne Graham Lotz at AnGeL Ministries, as the Women’s Spiritual Life Director at San Diego Christian College, and on staff in the Women’s Ministry Department of Shadow Mountain Community Church. She has traveled to 36 countries and loves teaching others how to study and apply God's Word. Jamie, her husband Jeff and their baby son, David, live in San Diego.

How to Bless Your Mother-in-Law

Deb DeArmond's new book, Related by Chance, Family by Choice, captured my attention. I knew she'd be perfect for this relationship UPGRADE!

“Take my mother-in-law ... please!” garnered laughs for a once-famous comedian," Deb said, "but if you tried to take mine, I’d have to hogtie you, Texas style!"

I (Dawn) call my husband's mom my "Mother-in-Love." She is truly a treasure. I know there are some Mother-in-Law (MIL) / Daughter-in-Law (DIL) relationships that are a constant struggle, but I do believe any relationship can improve if even one of the women is willing to love, be patient, forgive and render blessings. 

So I really appreciate Deb's "blessing" tips for DILs. (Read her book for the other half of the equation!)

Deb continues ...

You heard me. Unhand her. She belongs to me.

The woman who raised the man of my dreams is a gift in my life.

“Wait! Stop!” I hear you cry. “Isn’t that your mother-in-law?”

Yes, indeed. The woman who nurtured a boy into the man of God I’ve loved for 40 years is one of the great gifts I got in this package deal when we married at age 19. When you do the math, she’s been my back-up-mama for 66% of my life.

Who needs two mothers? I did, and I’ll be you do too. Each taught me so much, and each lesson was unique to the woman involved. My mom’s been gone for many years. How good of God to create this bonus plan!

Mother’s Day is fast approaching, and even if you are not as close as my MIL and I, it’s a great time to let her know you appreciate her.

After all, without her, you might have married Ernie. You remember Ernie, don’t you? So let her know you are grateful for the role she played in the life of your man.

Here are a few tips to bless her:

1. Plan a special MIL/DIL day. What would she enjoy? Pedicures and lunch at a favorite spot? A trip to a local public garden? Tea at that cute antiques shop?

Matching her interests with your plans communicates your care and interest in her.

2. Write her a note or card. Handwritten notes, not emails, were the favored way to share heartfelt sentiments among the generations before ours. The surprise of a card in the mailbox is a fun way to let her know she’s special to you.

Whether she lives across town or across the country—everybody loves real mail. And get your kids to sign some “to my Gigi” cards, too. She’ll display them proudly for her friends to see when they visit.

3. Thank her for the special man her son is.

Motherhood sometimes goes unacknowledged—especially for boy mamas. Men may be less aware of the impact Mom had in his life and forget to express their appreciation. She invested her life and energy in raising him—and then had to hand him off when he was just becoming the man she’d envisioned all those years.

Tell her what you appreciate most about him. Be specific about the qualities and characteristics as husband, father and friend she helped build. Share some examples that will make her button-busting proud.

4. Ask for her advice. When you ask someone to share their insights and ideas, you are acknowledging they’ve done a good job.

What tips might she be able to offer you about being a great wife? What suggestions does she have in dealing with your rebellious teenage daughter?

So this year, let your mother-in-law know just how much credit she deserves in your happiness! Someday, if not already, you too will be part of some young woman’s package deal.

Sow the seeds of blessing now.

So, what’s your plan to make this a Mother’s Day she’ll never forget?

Deb DeArmond’s passion is family—not just her own, but the relationships within families in general. Her recent book, Related by Chance, Family by Choice: Transforming the Mother-in-Law and Daughter-in-Law Relationships explores tools and tips to building sound relationships between moms and the girls who marry their sons. Deb and her husband, Ron, live in the Fort Worth area. For more about Deb, visit her "Family Matters" site.

Graphic in text, adapted: Image courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

How to Counter Lies about Anger

Leslie Vernick is a counselor, coach, author and speaker who loves to enrich people’s relationships. In this post, she addresses the lies people believe about anger.

“Anger is a normal part of being a human being,” she says, “but it can be a dangerous emotion and has the potential to wreck our relationships and our lives.”

I (Dawn) thought I never had an "anger issue" because I don't blow up. But the Lord showed me I can be angry under the surface. It shows up in bitterness, resentment and a host of other attitudes that are just as ugly as ungodly external anger.

Leslie continues …      

Here are the four most common lies about anger, and God’s countering truth.

1.   When I feel angry, I must let it all out.

Too much damage has been done to people we love by blurting out angry feelings in the moment of their greatest intensity. Doing this might provide some sort of relief but it is never beneficial to the hearer or the relationship. 

Proverbs 12:18 says reckless words pierce like a sword, and Proverbs 29:11 warns us, "Only a fool gives full vent to his anger."

Better ways to get some relief from intense anger are to journal or pray your honest emotions to God. 

2.    Other people or provoking situations make me angry. 

We say things like, “You make me so mad!” or “If you wouldn’t have done that, then I wouldn’t have reacted that way.”

Difficult people or situations don’t MAKE us angry, although they do tempt us. What really happens when we encounter these kinds of people is that they expose us.  Jesus tells us, “It is out of the overflow of your heart, your mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45).

Start to listen to your internal self-talk when you feel angry. For example, “I can’t believe this is happening to me” or “they can’t get away with this.” 

Start to understand what the real problem is that’s causing our anger to escalate. Our own thought life. Calm yourself down (with different self talk and God’s Word).

3.    I’m entitled to use my anger to get what I want—if what I want is a good thing.

Anger motivates us and helps us to speak up against wrong, as well as take action to fight against injustice and evil in our world. Because it is such a powerful force however, the apostle Paul warns us not to sin in our anger (Ephesians 4:26).

Most of the time what we want is permeated with self-centered desires. James 4:1 asks us what is the source of quarrels and conflicts among us? He says it comes because we’re not getting what we want.

The Bible tells us not to merely look out for our own interests (what we want), but also the interests of others (Philippians 2:4).

4.    I have always had a bad temper and this is just the way I am. I can’t change.

The good news of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that he not only redeems us but he restores us. He changes us. The deeper problem that causes your anger is what needs to change.

Romans 8:5 says, “Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the spirit desires.”

When God changes our heart, it’s not that we never get angry, but we no longer want to use our anger as a weapon to demand our own way, prove our point or make sure everyone knows we’re right. We don’t want to hold onto grudges, nurse resentment or harbor bitterness in our heart. Instead we want to forgive and reconcile.

I want to look out for the interests of others because I care about them and therefore I hold my anger in check when I’m not getting what I want and weigh that with what others might want or need.

James tells us to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for a man’s anger (or a woman’s anger) does not produce the righteous life that God desires (James1:19-20)

What triggers your anger? Have you believed any of these lies about emotionally-destructive anger?

Leslie Vernick is a national and international speaker, author, licensed clinical social worker, consultant and relationship coach with an expertise on the subjects of personal and spiritual growth, marriage improvement, conflict resolution, depression, child abuse, destructive relationships and domestic violence. She has 25 years of experience helping people enrich the relationships that matter most! Visit her website!

Graphic in Text, adapted: Image courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net