12 Keys to an Extraordinary Marriage - Part 1

I asked Dianne Barker—married almost 50 years—to share a Marriage UPGRADE with us. There's much wisdom here for all of us.

“What was I thinking," Dianne said, "leaving that man alone in the yard with pruning shears!”

Now, knowing my husband's propensity to prune with abandon, I (Dawn) couldn't wait to read Dianne's story!

Dianne continues... 

I went outside just in time to catch my husband mutilating our shrubs … again. I like sprawling new growth—he likes neatly cropped. That’s one of many different perspectives adding interest to our marriage.

Occasionally when he’s away, I use my trusty scissors to give the shrubs a gentle trim, knowing James will soon follow with a drastic cut. This time he got to them before I did.

It will take years for those shrubs to recover!

“I’ve got a surprise for you,” he said, giving me an innocent grin. Looking around, I spotted a bundle of leafy stems—sweet potato plants for our little garden! For years I’d asked him to grow sweet potatoes for me, but he insisted they were too much trouble.

Knowing my husband would choose to inconvenience himself for me drained my anger before it spewed all over him. Thank goodness!

I’ve learned the hard way if I don’t say it, I don’t have to clean up the mess.

James and I have been happily married forty-nine years … happier some days than others. We are, in fact, happily incompatible with opposite personalities causing us at times to irritate each other nearly to death.

What were we thinking when we vowed “till death do us part?” We’re stuck in this marriage and we can’t get out!

We married young with no counseling on building relationships or teaching on how to make a marriage flourish. Being as opposite as two people can be, we needed an instruction manual for this marriage to survive.

I searched the Scriptures for a quick list, “Ten Commandments for a Successful Marriage.” I never found that list—but I discovered numerous relationship principles that would impact my marriage … if I chose to put them into practice.

What a surprise to find putting God’s instructions into practice in my life had nothing to do with my husband.

If you want an extraordinary marriage, begin here:

• Guard your speech and thoughts. “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer” (Psalm 19:14).
• Choose nourishing communication. “Let no corrupting talk come out of your  mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29).
• Forsake anger and bitterness. “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31-32).
• Live in a state of continual forgiveness. “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14-15).
• Forget the past. “Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead” (Philippians 3:13).
• Practice covering love. “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).

One person in the relationship willing to obey God can, by His grace, change the relationship. Will you be the one? Love covers.

The shrubs will grow. Now … if James just doesn’t power-wash my Boston ferns again!

Which of the extraordinary marriage "keys" could use some work in your own relationship? [Dianne will share six more Keys in Part 2.]

Dianne Barker is a conference speaker, freelance journalist, radio host, and author of eleven books, including the 1986 best-seller Twice Pardoned. Her 2014 book, I Don’t Chase the Garbage Truck Down the Street in My Bathrobe Anymore! Organizing for the Maximum Life, won the Christian Authors Network Golden Scrolls third-place award for non-fiction book of the year. This post is adapted from her forthcoming book, Help! I’m Stuck and I Can’t Get Out! The Maximum Marriage Maintenance and Repair Kit, which will be available at www.diannebarker.com.

'You Matter to Me!'

Kathy Carlton Willis is a transparent, creative woman  of God. In this UPGRADE Your Worth post, she reminds us to embrace God's imput about our value, not the world's.

"October 7^th is 'You Matter to Me' Day," Kathy says. "Let’s celebrate by taking a look at a woman’s worth and we’ll see just how much we matter to God and each other."

Now I (Dawn) didn't know there is such a thing as "You Matter to Me" Day ... but I can think of all kinds of ways to celebrate that! Can't you?

Kathy continues ...

I’m getting ready for an all-alumni high school reunion next month. I haven’t seen my schoolmates in over thirty years. Definitely not enough time to lose a hundred pounds!

Why do I worry about what others will think about my weight-gain? It’s because I know how petty we humans can be. We notice when other women gain weight rather than paying attention to their hearts smiling. We are cruel to ourselves and to others.

What does God think of that?

God’s been showing me that I matter to Him—that I’m a woman of worth. You are too. If you feel out of touch with who you really are, think of this quote:

“Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?” – Danielle LaPorte

Our Problems:

• Appearance. The world attempts to define us based on how we look and what we do. “A woman’s worth isn’t measured by her outer appearance,” says Jarrid Wilson, “but whether or not her heart is focused on The One who created her.”
• Busy-ness. After appearance, the next way women gain respect and clout is to have a successful career or be the SuperMother envied and resented by other moms on Pinterest. We hold up our to-do lists as proof that we matter. Who are we trying to impress? Others? Or are we trying to convince ourselves that we’re important? What does God think of that?
• Comparisons. We always judge ourselves unfairly when we compare. We think of our worst measured against their best. We can never win that comparison trap! I’m learning not to seek the answer of my worth by comparing myself to others.

What Does the Bible Say?

Proverbs 31 shows us how unique God wants us to be. This virtuous woman has amazing power and influence on others. Her value eclipses her looks. She is worth a great deal to God and to others because of who she is on the inside. Yes, because of that she has wonderful fruit: productivity, hard work ethic, and close-knit relationships.

"A good woman is hard to find, and worth far more than diamonds. Her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it. Never spiteful, she treats him generously all her life long. Her children respect and bless her; her husband joins in with words of praise:

“'Many women have done wonderful things, but you’ve outclassed them all!' Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades. The woman to be admired and praised is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God" (Selections from Proverbs 31, MSG).

Ten Evidences of a Woman’s Worth

1. Confident in Christ
2. Glows with grace
3. Loves and knows God’s Word
4. Close to God through prayer
5. Concerned and compassionate toward others
6. Cares for her family
7. Faithful to God, family and church
8. Pursues good health by being a good caretaker of her body
9. Tends to her resources responsibly, as gifts from God
10. Filled with the fruit of the Spirit

You matter to God and your worth is in Him.

Others matter too, and perhaps they struggle with knowing their worth. Who can you show value by letting her know she matters to God and to you?

Kathy Carlton Willis writes and speaks with a balance of funny and faith—whimsy and wisdom. She shines the light on issues that hold women back and inspires their own lightbulb moments. Almost a thousand of Kathy’s articles have been published and she has several books releasing over the next three years, including Grin with Grace with AMG Publishers. She and her husband/pastor, Russ, live in Texas. Learn more at: www.kathycarltonwillis.com/

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of stockimages at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

10 Keys to Defusing Anger

Poppy Smith's humor and wisdom invite women to think through serious issues. In this Attitude UPGRADE, she shares insight about the anger that trips us up in our relationships.

“Everyone gets angry from time to time,” says Poppy. “Some people think there’s nothing they can do about it, but there is. God provides not only life-changing advice, He also provides the power we need to zip our lips.”

Now I (Dawn) seldom get angry ... externally. But boy, can I seethe inside! I need Poppy's wisdom.

Poppy continues ...

Flying through Chicago airport recently I heard a woman shouting at the Boarding Agent. Everyone swiveled around to see what was happening. I didn’t catch the reason for her angry outburst but she had no intention of keeping it to herself.

After taking her abuse for so long, the Agent locked up his desk and disappeared.

Five minutes later he reappeared with a burly man in a bright yellow vest—clearly a “mediator” of some kind. Talking softly and soothingly to the irate customer, he helped her calm down and listen to what the airline could do to help with her frustration. She was wiping her tears as I heard my call to board.

Whether you’re angry at an airline employee, fuming in traffic, annoyed at work, or irritated at home–what is going on? If your anger erupts fast and hot, what can you do?

Those of us “blessed” with the gift of being verbal often need help with controlling our tongues and temper.

At least, I do!

I want to live an emotionally healthy and happy life–not to mention one that reflects my relationship with Jesus.  As I’ve prayed about my problem and practiced what God has shown me, I’ve discovered ten keys to turning off our ready to blow inner fuse-box. 

ASK Yourself:

1. What is making me angry?

2. Were my expectations reasonable given the circumstances? Had I made them known?

3. Am I feeling anger–or is there something else underneath. What is the real problem?

4. Is my anger justified or am I making a mountain out of a molehill, blowing off steam and blaming?

5. Am I mind-reading, claiming the person I’m angry with should have known how I’d feel?

6. Is my self-talk feeding my anger?

7. Will my anger bring about what I desire—a better relationship, less stress, a solution?

CALM Yourself:

8. Change your “should” statements to: It would have been nice if…. I wish the situation were …

9. Stop and identify what thoughts “trigger” your anger. focus on thoughts that cool you down.

10. Evaluate your responses: Was something said or done intentionally to upset you?

     PRAY for control and SPEAK TRUTH to yourself.

Tell yourself, “With God’s help I can cope, I can tolerate the situation, there are solutions, and I can learn new responses.”

“Slowness to anger makes for deep understanding; a quick-tempered person stockpiles stupidity” (Prov.14: 29, The Message).

“A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire” (Proverbs 15:1, The Message).

If we’re wise, we intentionally choose to set a guard over our mouths.

Three powerful words that I’ve etched in my mind are ZIP YOUR LIPS! Try practicing this phrase over and over before you need it—you’ll be glad you did.

What makes you mad? Which of these keys can you use to help defuse your anger?

Poppy Smith is British, married to an American, and has lived in many countries. A former Bible Study Fellowship teaching leader with a Masters in Spiritual Formation, she is a multi-published author who speaks globally challenging women to make their lives count by looking at their choices, attitudes, and relationship with God. Poppy has just returned from ministry in China and had a fun time signing her one book that is in Chinese! Visit her website.  

How to Love Cantankerous People

Dianne Barker helps women navigate the challenges in their lives, encouraging them to follow Jesus. In this UPGRADE, she offers practical tips for tough relationships.

          

“Where do they come from? Surely there’s a factory somewhere in America turning out cantankerous people like an auto assembly line. They’re everywhere!” Dianne said. “Grocery check-out. Department store. Medical office. Work place. School. Neighborhood. Church. Under our own roof.”

A woman’s name instantly came to my (Dawn’s) mind as I read those words. How about you? As you read this post, think about the “cantankerous” person in your own life.

Dianne continues …

We encounter cantankerous people when we least expect them—prayed up, filled with joy, minding our own business…then bam! Somebody comes along stomping out happiness.

Unprovoked touch-and-go stranger clashes rattle us momentarily, but we recover, pray for the person, and move on. The challenge: living in a daily unchangeable relationship with a cantankerous person. I call this complicated dimension hard lovin’.

I wasn’t sure cantankerous was a legitimate word. It is indeed and loaded with meaning. Bad-tempered, irritable, crabby, argumentative, difficult, complaining, unreasonable, belligerent, cranky, grouchy, grumpy, disagreeable. Anyone you know?

We spend life from cradle to grave sharing relationships. Some are easy. Some are downright hard.

How do we practice hard lovin’ in permanent relationships with cantankerous people who may act more like an enemy than kin?

Jesus, in His own words:

“…Make it a practice to love your enemies, treat well (do good to, act nobly toward) those who detest you and pursue you with hatred. Invoke the blessings upon and pray for the happiness of those who curse you. Implore God’s blessing (favor) upon those who abuse you (who revile, reproach, disparage, and high-handedly misuse you)” (Luke 6:27-28 Amplified).

That kind of love is gut-wrenching! Why bother? Apostle Paul said, “I always take pains to have a clear conscience toward both God and man” (Acts 24:16).

I bother so my conscience is clear.

I’ve learned this:

1. One person in the relationship, relying on God’s grace, can change the relationship.

“Ah, Lord God! It is you who have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you” (Jeremiah 32:17).

2. The relationship is more important than the last word.

“The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent” (Exodus 14:14).

3. Loving most is a Christ-like thing. He laid down His life.

He said, “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:12-13).

4. If I do all the giving, I get all the blessing.

“Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us…” (Ephesians 3:20).

5. The quality of a relationship is determined by one radical decision: I will obey God, putting into practice what His Word says, no matter what.

“When a man’s ways please the Lord, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him” (Proverbs 16:7).

More from Paul (Romans 12:9-12):

• “Let love be genuine…
• Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor…
• Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them…
• Live in harmony with one another…
• Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all…
• Never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’
• To the contrary, ‘if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

 How do we practice hard lovin’ in difficult permanent relationships? Just do it.

 “Let a man be what he will, you are to love him” (Andrew Murray, Absolute Surrender).

 Which of the five tips will help you best respond to your “cantankerous” person?

Dianne Barker is a conference speaker, freelance journalist, radio host, and author of eleven books including the 1986 best-seller Twice Pardoned (life of Harold Morris, Focus on the Family Publishing). Her new book, I Don’t Chase the Garbage Truck down the Street in My Bathrobe Anymore! Organizing for the Maximum Life throws a rope to the desperate drowning in disorganization—purging interior garbage (inferiority, low esteem) and submitting fully to Christ. She and her husband James have two married children and one grandson.

Graphic in text adapted, Image courtesy of Michal Marcol / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Upgrade Your Toxic Relationships

Have you ever taken a whole year to focus on relationships? Kathy Carlton Willis shares some powerful insights about one hurtful kind - toxic (poisonous, destructive, unhealthy) relationships.

"This is the Year of the Relationship in the Willis household," Kathy says. "We have committed to make the most out of existing relationships, build new relationships, and upgrade our toxic relationships by figuring out how God wants us to deal with them better."

Some families have a lot of drama. But almost every family has at least one toxic, deeply frustrating relationship. The good news is, God can transform our relationships. At the very least, He can show us how to love others with the love of Jesus.

Kathy continues ...

What makes some relationships toxic? Is he or she a travel agent for guilt trips? If they insist on a long list of “ought tos” and “should dos” you’re on dangerous ground. Manipulation and shame creates unhealthy relationships.

Other times, a relationship becomes toxic when they go outside of God’s direction for their lives. It might require tough love and boundaries to prevent more relationship pain. We create boundaries in order for our toxic family relationships to be functional, for work relationships to be productive, and for friendships to be accountable.

Ask Yourself:

• How can I handle my disappointment when my toxic person chooses unacceptable behavior?
• How can I show love without condoning or rewarding the poor choice?
• What does God want from this?
• How can I share the truth in love?
• How can I release my feelings so they aren’t invested?
• How can I be okay if this is never resolved to my satisfaction?

One key is to never lose hope that they will realign with God’s principles. Keep praying. When we pray in love, and hope in love, we respond in love.

Love grows as we pray for God to show us how He loves them.

When It Can’t Be Fixed:

Sometimes, no matter what we do, the relationship is too broken, and the repair is outside our control.

• Seek discernment to know how involved to be with someone who isn’t going to be a positive part of your life.
• We can’t control the other person, but we have control over our own response. We also have control over our feelings and choices.
• We don’t have to fix everything.
• God mentions times when we are to separate ourselves from others who are toxic.
• God doesn’t expect us to connect hearts with them, when they are dishonoring Him or hurting His children. (We don’t have to hold their hands while they’re slapping ours!)
• God does want to make sure we create a loving atmosphere to encourage their return to what is right so they know there is always hope of reconciliation.
• Love doesn’t mean we roll over and play dead. It means we release them, much like the Prodigal Son, to find their way back to what God wants in their lives.

While waiting for someone to make the right choices, avoid getting worked up about their faults and flaws. Don’t focus on how disappointed you are in their self-absorption, distorted perspectives, or poor communications skills. Obsessing on their shortcomings can render you ineffective for God’s use.

In John 13:35 (Holman), Jesus says: “By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” Will you join me in making a goal to upgrade your relationships this year?

Think of a toxic relationship in your life. How can you reframe your thoughts to deal with that person in a healthier way?

Kathy Carlton Willis shines for God, reflecting His light as a speaker at writer's conferences and women's retreats, and as an author - contributing to three books and writing hundreds of columns and articles online and in print publications. She has several books releasing over the next three years, including Grin with Grace with AMG Publishers at the end of this year. She and her husband/pastor, Russ, live in Texas.

Image in Text adapted, courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net.