4 Tips for Being a Fun, Faithful Grandparent

I'm always amazed by how much truth Gail Purath can pack into her 1-Minute Bible Love Notes posts. But I also know she is a loving grandma, and I asked her to share this relationship UPGRADE. (NOTE: If you are not a grandma or even a mother, consider how you might apply Gail's counsel to a mentoring sitution.)

"Six-week-old Emma had never said anything clever nor done anything noble or good," Gail said. "She required constant care and gave nothing tangible in return. But whenever I held her in my arms, I was overcome with love for my very first grandchild."

Almost any grandparent will identify with that. I (Dawn) have three granddaughters and they mean the world to me. I'm always looking for fun projects to do with them, but also for ways to build a legacy.

Gail continues ... 

We experience this love as parents, but experiencing it with our children’s children is doubly sweet. It helps us understand God’s love in new ways and gives us an awesome mission in our senior years.

We might paraphrase Ephesians 2:10:

“We are grandparents by God’s design, created in Christ Jesus to be fun and faithful, doing those things God prepared in advance for us to do.”

Six times since Emma's birth, my arms have held a new grandchild. And in my ten years as a "grammy" I've learned some things I'd love to pass along to make your grandparenting more fun and faithful:

1. Share Your Talents

Whether you're good at cooking, sewing, music, gardening, athletics or woodworking, you have something to share.

One thing I love doing is baking my signature cinnamon rolls with my grandchildren. They love getting their hands in the dough, and we end up with cinnamon and flour everywhere.

But the mess is part of the memory, and we all have a good time.

2. Share Your Faith

This may be the most important evangelism you do in your entire life, so ask God for creative ways to do it.

Last year I had an after-school "Bible Club" for my two oldest granddaughters, and this year I started reading Christian missionary biographies with my ten-year-old granddaughter. What  wonderful opportunities we've had to discuss the Lord together.

3. Pray for Your Grandchildren

Your age, experience and love give you special wisdom in praying specifically for your grandchildren’s hearts and lives.

Many throughout history have been influenced by the lives and prayers of their grandparents—Timothy, for one (2 Timothy 1:5). This aspect of our grandparenting can't be overestimated.

4. Be Available and Have Fun

Grandparents usually have more time than parents. Even if you're still working full time, you have fewer dependent family members to keep you busy.

It’s true that age steals some of our energy, but reserving some of that energy for our grands is well worth it.

One afternoon my six-year-old granddaughter Gracie asked if she could come to my house while her mom went to the gym.

"I don't know if Grammy wants to babysit today," my daughter cautioned.

"Oh, Grammy doesn't babysit me," Gracie insisted, "We just hang out together."

If you haven’t learned it yet, it’s high time to learn the art of just “hangin’ out.” Enjoy your “second childhood” by rolling on the floor, being silly, playing with paper dolls, and riding bikes. Grandchildren are wonderful playmates.

Yes, grandparenting is more than an awesome responsibility; it’s an awesome opportunity to love and be loved, an opportunity to share our gifts, our faith, our prayers, our lives, and our creativity with our children's children. Let's make the most of it!

What are some special things you've done with a grandchild to create some God-honoring memories?

Gail Purath has been married to her best friend Michael for 42 years, living the life of a nomad here on earth (40 homes in 62 years), looking forward to her heavenly home. She is the mother of two and "grammy" of seven—three boys and four girls (ages 2-10). Gail writes about her joys, struggles, failures and victories in her short-but-powerful 1-Minute Bible Love Notes and shares a short Bible study each week on Bite Size Bible Study. Gail writes about her joys, struggles, failures and victories in her short-but-powerful 1-Minute Bible Love Notes and shares a short Bible study each week on Bite Size Bible Study.

Linked to these blog hops:

Modest Mom

Time Warp Wife

Raising Homemakers

Grandma's Briefs

Parents: Choose to Diffuse the Battle

After I read an excerpt from Cindi McMenamin’s new book on inspiring daughters, I asked her to share some tips on dealing with parenting “battles.”

“Are you tired of living on a battlefield when it comes to raising your children?” Cindi asks. “Does it seem like every time you turn around there's an argument brewing?” 

I [Dawn] recently watched an angry mom struggling with her son's belligerance at Wal-Mart. She mimicked his attitude rather than responding to it. She needed this UPGRADE Your Parenting wisdom!

Cindi continues …

As I was writing my book, When a Mom Inspires Her Daughter, I included some practical ways we can choose our battles wisely and also diffuse some battles so we're not constantly in a warzone with our children. 

But I realized recently, that these peace-making principles can apply to ANY relationship. That's probably because our battles can be intensified or diffused altogether based on how we—as wives, moms, and girlfriends—choose to react.

Whether you're going head-to-head with your teenager, husband, difficult family member, or anyone else, these steps can help you bring calm to an otherwise chaotic situation:  

1. Don't Overreact. It's easy for some of us to think the worst and overreact to a situation. To react emotionally, rather than rationally and maturely, tends to escalate a discussion into a battle.

This is where James 1:19 is so appropriate, especially in the heat of the battle:

"But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger;  for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God."

2. Don't Lose Your Cool.  Our volume and energy level can escalate or eliminate a battle in the making.

After many situations of completely blowing it in this area with my daughter when she was a teenager, I have learned to say a quick prayer in the heat of the moment: "God, help me to respond in a way that will bring about a gentle and loving response from her."

When I put the emotional thermometer in my lap and make it my responsibility, it's amazing how well that will diffuse or eliminate a battle, altogether.  

3. Don't Let Your Pride Get in the Way. If you find you are in a "fighting all the time" phase with a child, spouse, or someone else, it may be that another issue is involved.

I learned early on in my marriage that if I am triggered into an argument or a defensive position, there is likely an issue of pride at stake.

• Unhealthy pride. The kind that says "Who are YOU to talk to ME that way?"
• Pride also says "I am not going to let this person think this way about me."
• Pride can also rear its ugly head when we think: I've had it. I'm not going to take this anymore!

I'm not talking about responding to issues of emotional, verbal, or physical abuse. I am talking about discussions or arguments that go sour because our feathers get ruffled and our pride gets hurt.

I'm talking about dying to self and the desire to protect our image at all costs.

It takes a great amount of trust in God to give up our need to defend ourselves and leave our reputation in God's hands. He sees our hearts, He knows our motives, and He can protect our name. After all, if we are following and identifying ourselves with Him, then His name is our name. And He is perfectly capable of taking care of His own.

Can you take one—or all—of these steps today and diffuse a battle that is knocking at your door?

Cindi McMenamin is a national women's conference and retreat speaker and the author of a dozen books, including When Women Walk Alone (more than 120,000 copies sold), When a Woman Inspires Her Husband, and When a Mom Inspires Her Daughter, upon which this article is based. For more on her books and ministry, or to download free resources to strengthen your marriage, parenting, or individual walk with God, see her website: StrengthForTheSoul.com.

Graphic in text: adapted, Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Bricks into Cathedrals

Sue Badeau is an amazing, caring woman. She loves to give children roots and wings. She and her husband are the lifetime parents of twenty-two children (two by birth and twenty through adoption). She knows a lot about “care-giving,” and I invited her to share some insights with us.

“As a caregiver, when you feel like you’re running into brick walls,” Sue says, “you’re well on the way to supporting healing and wholeness for your loved one.”

I have to tell you, I [Dawn] wept when I read this post. My own sister was a caregiver for my grandmother, and now she cares for my mom. I can’t wait to share this precious post with her.

Sue continues …

Caregiving is hard and may feel like there’s no end in sight. Whether caring for a child, spouse, sibling or aging parent coping with physical or mental challenges, grief or trauma, we need a hopeful vision.

A folktale challenges us to reframe our perspective:

A person on a journey came upon workers laying bricks. She stopped, asking the first, “What are you doing?”

“I’m laying bricks,” the first worker replied.

Not satisfied, she asked a second worker, “What are you doing?”

“I’m building a great and strong brick wall.”

Still seeking to better understand, the wayfarer asked a third worker, “What are you doing?”

The third worker responded with enthusiasm, “I’m building a soaring cathedral to last throughout time, drawing men and women to the glory of God."*

Laying bricks is important work. Each contributes to the whole. But don't focus solely on bricks. Upgrade your perspective. Today’s caregiving tasks are bricks helping the person you love to achieve his or her life purpose with dignity. Can you envision the sturdy wall you are building with today’s bricks?

Now, upgrade again. Stretch your vision to extend beyond the wall until you see the soaring cathedral. Are you able to enthusiastically and purposefully undertake your role contributing bricks, one-by-one, to the cathedral—even if it takes years or decades to complete? 

Effective parents and caregivers must have a soaring vision and then work towards this vision on a daily basis. 

“Where there is no vision, the people perish” (Proverbs 29:18).

Here are four tips for upgrading your life by developing and implementing cathedral visions to sustain you through the brick-laying work of parenting and caregiving:

(1) Imagine the future. What are all the hopes and possibilities for the child or person you are caring for? Engage the person him or herself in describing their own “cathedral.” Dream big!

(2) Place a visual representation of your “cathedral” to be seen daily. Whenever you’re discouraged, it’ll remind you of the cathedral you’re building! 

For example, one of our daughters was told she’d never walk due to cerebral palsy. She longed to dance. Her vision of dancing was her hope for a future of self-expression and independence. We placed a music box with a ballerina on top on her dresser. It was a visual reminder of the reason we slogged through difficult physical therapy (brick-laying) exercises.

(3) Break the vision into smaller components. Just as a cathedral-builder’s blueprint will include the layout of all necessary walls (See I Kings 6-7), for our daughter, components included learning to feed and dress herself, walk and climb stairs. 

(4) Prepare to make adjustments. Our daughter’s love for dance was the inspiration she—and we—needed to lay bricks for her to become the person God created her to be.

Today she is able to dance, but she is not defined as a dancer. Her cathedral changed as it soared to new heights. She is an independent adult, raising two children. The dance vision wasn’t the full cathedral, but it gave us all the perspective we needed to keep at it day after day.

Who are you caring for, laying bricks each day? Can you upgrade this to a Cathedral vision? (How about your own life—are you building a Cathedral?) Sue (and Dawn) would love to hear about your caregiving experiences.

Sue Badeau is a nationally known speaker, author, child welfare and trauma expert. Sue and her husband, Hector, are lifetime parents of twenty-two children, two by birth and twenty adopted. They wrote the book Are We There Yet: The Ultimate Road Trip Adopting and Raising 22 Kids. Learn more about Sue at suebadeau.com and badeaufamily.com. 

* Cathedral story adapted, author unknown. Photo of the cathedral taken by Sue Badeau.

Upgrade Your Expectations

Kathy Carlton Willis shines as she encourages writers and speakers, but she has insight to share with all of us about expectations in this attitude UPGRADE.

"Don’t worry. We all have them. Unmet expectations, unrealistic expectations, unhealthy expectations. These lead to disappointment—in others, in ourselves, even in God," Kathy says.

The Bible says, "hope deferred makes the heart sick" (Proverbs 13:12) and, believe me, I've been heartsick over unmet expectations during my lifetime - especially as a young woman. I wish I'd known some of the things Kathy shares in this post.

Kathy continues ...

Sometimes expectations are based on what we want to see happen—no matter how unrealistic. Other times our expectations are based on what another person has promised. But not everyone carries out his or her promises.

What to Do:

1. Pre-plan a healthy way to handle your expectations. It’s impossible to have a godly response in the heat of the moment without having a predetermined course of action.
2. Focus on the difference between reactions and responses. Reactions are based on emotional reflexes and are governed by the heart. Responses are based on disciplined actions and are led by the Spirit.
3. Disengage your feelings from the response so you’re not allowing others to push your buttons. (And we all have buttons—usually a mix-matched set!) Take it out of the realm of feelings and put it in the realm of godly thoughts and actions.
4. Pray for God’s wisdom and discernment.
5. When a situation arises, be intentional rather than irrational. Remove yourself for a timeout if you need to disconnect from your feelings. Refocus on what Christ’s response would be. Being intentional means you have a strategy in place ahead of time, and you act on that strategy. This is called reframing your thoughts.

The Problem with Expectations:

Often our expectations of others are another form of judging motives and intentions. We forget to offer unconditional love, extend grace, give the benefit of the doubt and practice The Golden Rule. It’s easier to assume, expect, and judge.

When we expect something outside of our control, we set ourselves up for all sorts of frustrating emotions, and it doesn't help us or the one on whom we’re projecting our expectations.

Bible Remedies for Expectations:

Philippians 4:6-7, The Message:

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."

• How can your expectations be a cause of anxiety?
• What is to accompany your prayers and supplications?
• What do you need to let God know about?
• What does God promise that His peace will do for you?

Isaiah 26:3 (NLT):

"You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!"

• What can you expect God to give you when you truly trust in Him?
• When you focus on the unmet expectations, you overlook all the amazing stuff that God is doing in your life and in the world.

Prayer Points:

• When you have unmet expectations, take them to Jesus.
• Allow your unmet expectations to draw you closer to the One who can do “abundantly more than all you can ask or imagine.”
• Focus on the ways Jesus exceeds our expectations. He has eternity in mind, not just today.

What one thing can you take away from this to try as preventative maintenance so you upgrade the way you handle unmet or unrealistic expectations?

Kathy Carlton Willis shines for God, reflecting His light as a speaker at writer's conferences and women's retreats, and as an author - contributing to three books and writing hundreds of columns and articles online and in print publications. Her article today is an excerpt from Speaker to Speaker: The Essential Speaker’s Companion (Oaktara Publishing, to be released later in 2014). Kathy is also a publicist with Kathy Carlton Willis Communications. She and her husband/pastor, Russ, live in Texas.

Image in Text adapted, courtesy of Stuart Miles/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Write a Thank You Note. Use Paper.

In this Relationships UPGRADE, Dawn Wilson writes about something we don't want to leave behind in our rush into more and more technology.

Don't get me wrong. I love the ease of Facebook and email. It's so easy to jot a quick "thank you" to friends and family.

But there's nothing like a handwritten note. I want to focus on that in this Relationship UPGRADE.

Writing thank you notes isn't just good for the recipient ... it's good for you!

Lawyer John Kralick's New Year's resolution in 2008 was to write one thank you note each day to family members, friends, co-workers, even his Starbucks barista! (His notes are recorded in the book 365 Thank Yous: The Year a Simple Act of Daily Gratitude Changed My Life.)

Kralik says,

"Things we write in cyberspace are so easily deleted and forgotten ... buried by the next 30 emails we recieve. In this day and age, a handwritten note is something that people really feel is special."

I once heard about a mom who kept a precious note in her Bible. She told friends she often read the note - written many years before - because, as she says, "It always encourages me when I think people don't appreciate me."

I began writing thank you notes years ago when I traveled with a revival team. Years later, I keep blank cards in my Bible and car. (You might also keep one in your purse. In my purse, it would likely get crushed!)

Kralik's 10 Tips for writing the "perfect" thank you note are helpful and practical. But I want to share just a few insights - Four Key Words that express what I've discovered through the years.

1. FOCUS. It's not about you.

A thank you note isn't written to impress someone or win their favor. People can read through that nonsense. Take time before you write to think about the person.

Why are you writing? Is it for a selfless reason? (Philippians 2:4) Is there something in a person's life you can highlight with praise? (Philippians 4:8)

And consider this: How can your thank you note focus on the Lord too - to glorify God? (1 Corinthians 10:31).

2. TIME. It's a gift.

It takes just a bit more time, perhaps, to write a handwritten note. You'll have to gather up a pen and paper or a special card (although Kralik wrote many of his on simple 3 x 5 cards). But treat your note as a special gift.

The recipient will, if he or she chooses, be able to hold it, store it, treasure it. It's worth your time.

In fact, it's one wise way to use your time, especially when you are encouraging those who do not know the Lord! (Colossians 4:5)

3. GRATITUDE. It is a "thank you" note, after all.

Allow the gratitude in your heart to pour out onto the paper. Christians have many reasons to be grateful (Ephesians 5:20). God is the ultimate foundation for our grateful spirit. We can learn to see opportunities to express gratitude to Him - in fact, why not write a thank you note to the Lord today and slip it in your Bible? And we can thank others in Jesus' name (Colossians 3:17).

Don't think it must be about material things or what a person has done for you. Consider how he or she  has touched your life ... an attitude you admire, a character quality that has motivated you, a perspective that changed your mind.

It may be something simple to you, but expressing gratitude for even little things can bless others.

We can give thanks to God in every situation, and it's a privilege to express our grateful heart to others (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

4. SIMPLICITY. Forget the "flowers," unless they're on the card.

While we can aim for a "word fitly spoken" (Proverbs 25:11), keep notes simple.

It's tempting to get flowery with words, but that's usually a sign of trying to impress, not to express.

So forget the phoney frills. Consider what you're grateful for and just say it. Add a simple "blessing" prayer or scripture, when appropriate. 

Aim to encourage (1 Thessalonians 5:11) and "give grace" with your words - especially to those who do not know the Lord (Ephesians 4:29b; Colossians 4:6).

You may never know, this side of heaven, how your note has blessed another soul.

Do you have a treasured thank you note? How did that note encourage you?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Ministries, is the creator of three blogs: Heart Choices Today, LOL with God (with Pam Farrel), and Upgrade with Dawn. In these ministries and as President of the San Diego chapter of Network of Evangelical Women in MInistry (NEWIM San Diego), Dawn encourages, edifies and energizes women with  scripture so they can better enjoy life, bless others and honor God. Dawn and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.